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Don · 02-26-2011, 03:12 PM

A Blonde in a Southern Church

An Alabama, Independent, Fundamental, Baptist preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Don · 02-26-2011, 03:18 PM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

[Image: thinking-023.GIF]

Don · 02-28-2011, 07:36 PM

From my daughter who works in a grocery store:

A fellow comes through the line and is checking out.
The bagger asks him, "Paper or Plastic Sir?"
His response:
"It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sacktual."
ba-dum-bum

Faith · 02-28-2011, 07:47 PM

There's a guy in my church choir who usually sings with the tenors but sometimes sings with the altos. We call him a bi-sectional. True story.

Lizzy F. · 02-28-2011, 11:51 PM

(02-28-2011 07:47 PM)Faith Wrote: There's a guy in my church choir who usually sings with the tenors but sometimes sings with the altos. We call him a bi-sectional. True story.

I've got to tell my choir buddy that!! She'll love it!! Big Grin

captain_solo · 03-01-2011, 09:24 AM

(02-28-2011 07:47 PM)Faith Wrote: There's a guy in my church choir who usually sings with the tenors but sometimes sings with the altos. We call him a bi-sectional. True story.

I can sing Bass Tenor or Alto. However, I am not even sure its possible to be tri-sectional, It darn sure isn't legal.

**LMcC** · 03-01-2011, 01:47 PM

(03-01-2011 09:24 AM)captain_solo Wrote:
(02-28-2011 07:47 PM)Faith Wrote: There's a guy in my church choir who usually sings with the tenors but sometimes sings with the altos. We call him a bi-sectional. True story.

I can sing Bass Tenor or Alto. However, I am not even sure its possible to be tri-sectional, It darn sure isn't legal.

Yeah, but someone out there probably wants it on tape anyway. Wink

(Actually, I know someone who did that. She did a recording for her mother of herself singing soprano, alto, and tenor parts, and I think she also played the piano.)

AFA singing goes, I sing in the shower and the water cuts off. If anyone sings in the house, it's Hubby and the cat.

Apathetic or whatever · 03-02-2011, 02:29 PM

A fundy wife convinced her gambling addict husband to go to church with her one night for the revival meetin'. Her husband had never been to a church service like this before. People were running the aisles and shouting. The husband decided that these people were weird but he might as well join in. Soon he was standing on a pew, shouting and swinging his coat over his head.
In the car on the way home the husband said to his wife
"I bet I really surprised you in there didn't I?"
His wife just glared stonily out the window. Finally she said " I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. The word is Hallelujah not Hialeah.“

Don · (This post was last modified: 03-15-2011 07:26 PM by Don.)

The Old Couple were sitting on the porch one lazy summer evening just watching the day wind down and rocking easily in their chairs.

Out of the blue the old man stopped rocking and reached over and "slapped" his wife right out of her chair.

She picked herself up off the porch and gained enough composure to ask, "What... was that for?"

He said, "THAT... was for 43 years of terrible sex!"

She said nothing, and went back to rocking. After several minutes she got up and went inside. She came out with her 10 inch, cast-iron, frying pan, rared back and knocked the old man out of his chair, off the porch and out into the yard.

When he came to he picked himself up and returned to his rocking chair on the porch.

Finaly he asked, "And what was that for?"
She answered...
"THAT... was for knowing the difference!"