I'm having a bad day

[exIFB]

I really feel like giving up. Here is a warning - there is going to be a lot of the word "I" in this next part. Everytime I have spoken about my depression to a baptist, I always get the "look at how many times you said "I" in your post, it's all about you, you are being selfish". Well, I know.

I don't understand hell. I don't understand how finite sins warrant infinite punishment. And I don't understand how Christians who do understand it can stay sane at the thought of people suffering in hell for eternity! I don't get why I am so distressed. I don't get why Church is so depressing. I go to church and people are fake. They try to be nice and welcoming, and I try to comply and be friendly, but I am hurting inside and the messages offer no consolation. I don't know if I am saved, I don't know if I am lost. If I try to take comfort in Jesus sacrifice, I am then told now I need to be baptized again, so I have to go join a church, which I am fearful of since all my problems began there. I struggle with sin, and while I am victorious over them at times, I often fall back into them, triggering more depression. I feel unloved. I think I've sinned too much. If I am lost, then I'm past my "Day of grace". If I am saved, then I've probably lost it, even though in my head I don't believe it's possible. When I read the Bible, I'm condemned. I have no joy. The only time I feel sane is when I am at work and I am busy. If I think about sharing the gospel with work colleagues, I get sick. And then I think "I am ashamed, I must not be saved".

I'm having a bad day, and I have to go to my own birthday party in 3 hours. My father in law is going to try and insert God into everything, and say it in the most awkward way possible, and I'll manage to mutter out a "yeah, that's true". Like we'll be eating cake and out of the blue "Ahh Cake, what a wonderful thing. You know, God is so amazing to give us flour". And I'm thinking "okay.. where did that come from and why?". I don't know if he is faking it or what.

I'm just ready to toss in the towel. Give it all up. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. I can't seem to escape my own fears. I might get some comfort and then someone sends me a link to Ray Comfort and I am back at square one, thinking that since I'm not actively shareing the gospel on a soap box, I'm lost. Churches never preach about Jesus. They only speak about what I should be like, and 10 steps to get there.

[Darren]

Praying for you.

[Lizzy F.]

((((Hugs))))

It's ok to have lots of "I".

[chris1000bc]

(02-19-2011 04:33 PM)Darren Wrote:  Praying for you.

Ditto.

[Phatchick]

Big zen hugs going out.

[pastor's wife]

A couple thoughts (OK, I'm re-editing this first line to say "A whole bunch of thoughts") --

I've had periods of time where I've felt absolutely tormented and felt no joy and wondered with agony if I were a believer and if I were not, if there were any chance of my being able to become one. I totally get it when you say that only keeping busy helps, because then your mind is on something else, but when you relax, your mind just returns to these horrible, never ending thoughts. For me, all I can say is that I eventually got past the worst of it, although doubts have still plagued me from time to time.

You struggle with witnessing because right now you have nothing to witness about. Give it time. Ecclesiastes says there is "a time to be silent and a time to speak." Jesus didn't begin His public ministry until He was 30. Paul didn't begin evangelizing immediately. Tell God that you might not want to witness right now, but you want to have the desire. That's a first step. Also the Bible says we're surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses. Maybe you are being a testimony to the unseen world as a struggling saint trying to hold onto his faith in the midst of tremendous oppression. (I'm just surmising based on that one Bible verse.)

I would read the Psalms - especially in a version that's not the KJV. David often struggled with great doubts and expressed his frustration to God. Maybe that would resonate for you.

I LOVE contemporary Christian music now (after not listening to it for most of my life). It can truly touch my soul. If you can find songs that speak to you, listen to them often. A couple ideas - Third Day's "Lift Up Your Head" (a bit rocky for me at first; don't know your music preferences); Casting Crown's "Praise You in This Storm" (you are in a tremendous storm of depression); Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise" (I love that song especially, but I think the whole album is great. He wrote it after his daughter died in a car accident, but the darkness of soul you're undergoing right now might make these lyrics meaningful to you); "Untitled Hymn" or "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice (just soak it in and let your soul call out to Jesus, not focus on the 10 steps toward spiritual maturity that you're getting in church); and the Streams CD from 1999. I couldn't find most of the songs on youtube, but this CD is specifically geared toward people in crisis. My favorite is the first track, "Job." I included a link because I had a hard time tracking it down a couple months ago when I tried to find it on the internet: http://www.amazon.com/Streams-Jon-Anders...B00000J7SE

I also LOVE "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman. It says, "Blessed Be Your name when I'm found in the desert place. Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed Be Your name. Every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord!" This past year left me incredibly depressed with friends rejecting us, our church splitting, and our finances taking a mega-hit. I would simply sing this song to God, even though I felt HORRIBLE!

Also a few years ago, our marriage was going through a rough spot. One particular horrible afternoon, my mind was racing around trying to think of what I could do and thinking there was no way out and I simply began to praise the Lord. I started singing out loud hymns, choruses, anything that just focused on God and how amazing He is. I couldn't even pray I feeling so awful that I had no words - but I sang. I didn't sound good, but I sang praise while crying and I truly believe God heard and blessed my life and helped me through those dark days. Focus on God and His love for you expressed in Jesus Christ, not on yourself, whether you've believed right, what you have to do -- put yourself aside and just focus on Him.

Finally, on hell - it is absolutely horrible. I don't think the Bible teaches annihilation, but I hope that somehow I've misunderstood those passages and the unregenerate will just cease to be. In the end, I have to stop thinking about it, and just focus on the fact that God is both good and just.

Praying for God's peace and joy to come to you. Have a blessed birthday too and know you are loved by God.

[Tooktheredpill]

Quote:I don't understand hell. I don't understand how finite sins warrant infinite punishment. And I don't understand how Christians who do understand it can stay sane at the thought of people suffering in hell for eternity!

I feel the same way exIFB.

I once had a conversation with an agnostic guy from a muslim country who I was trying to convert to Christianity. The one thing that he couldn't get over about Christianity was that God would send so many people to hell to suffer endlessly (he had many close friends who were muslims). I kept trying to get him to "just trust in God." Eventually, I began to realize that I was the one who had the problem. I was ok with a theology that condemns millions of human beings to eternal anguish. The guy from the muslim country actually cared about the people I was willing to flippantly consign to hell with my theology.

[Jenn]

I just want to empathize with you that I can relate to everything you are saying. I have spent years going through the same crisis of faith.

At one point my mind would not stop racing with thoughts about hell, and over analyzing everything over and over in my head, I could no longer even concentrate on my work.

And the same chronic guilt over not witnessing and then wondering if I'm ashamed of Christ. And maybe if I'm ashamed of him, well, he'll be ashamed of me and then blot out my name from the book of life.

And then I stop and wonder why this is all so distressing to me? When there is so much mystery that none of us can understand, why should it hang so heavily on my shoulders?

I had a gigantic breakdown in 2006 and was in therapy for three years. I felt guilty that I was in that therapist's office talking about myself so much. (the whole I, I, thing... get over yourself, right?)

At the time I had no connection to any other Christians that had been through this kind of a faith crisis due to fundy experiences (at least no one I knew who would admit it).

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I just want you to know that I hear what you're saying and I get it.

How was the birthday? Did your father in law say anything about the flour?

[Trapped Pentecostal]

exIFB, I also know how you're feeling.

My response to my personal crisis in faith was to drop my faith entirely, which may not seem like an encouraging option to you or others here.

I tried for years to enjoy reading my Bible. I did it every day for years. I got through the whole thing more than once, and it was nothing but a chore to me.

I got tired of trying to justify the behavior of other Christians, and of trying to justify the Bible itself. I came to realize that none of it made a lick of sense, and that this wasn't just because God is mysterious and complicated and only reveals to us what he wants us to understand, and leaves us bewildered the rest of the time.

If God exists, and he wants me to believe again, maybe he can talk to me directly, instead of through his people who can never seem to get their lives together, or poorly translated texts that were arbitrarily assembled into a book over a thousand years ago.

People may say I threw out the baby with the bathwater when, in my own head at least, I left the faith. However, since God never spoke to me or revealed himself to me directly, it's impossible for me to say there was ever a baby in the bathwater to begin with. People say that through Christ we have a relationship with God. Well, in my mind, a relationship implies two people talking to each other, not one person just talking to some entity that may or may not exist who never actually responds.

[elfdream]

I've felt the burnout. I was so tired of it all and walked away for three years. No church, no anything. I wasn't angry or bitter, just tired. Tired of trying to measure up and tired of people in my way. Tired of the one way conversation. During that time I let a lot of 'church' fall away. I was pretty much an agnostic.

I don't know why I came back when some have not. All I know was I was watching a u2 video one day and the thought came to me. "If those guys with all their wealth and fame still believe I think I will give this God thing one more chance'. I was coming from absolutely nothing. It wasn't God speaking to me from on high...it was just me being open to the possibility. I know some will think 'God doesn't speak to anyone through a worldly rock and roll video'. All I know is that is where the journey back started.

I started out going to a seeker friendly church. There were a lot of damaged burnt out Christians there. We were allowed to do our 'own' thing and find our own path. No bashing or yelling. No altar calls or sinner's prayers. CCM music and a live band but they also had alternatives, simple Sunday night worship with low lights and candles and quiet meditation...they were good people who cared about me. While I was there I investigated everything. Orthodox, Episcopalian...and I respect both those traditions. I even looked into Quakerism and Buddhism. I went everywhere. In the end they did not care that I was investigating Catholicism and when I swam the Tiber the minister reacted with a "That's so cool!"

And I came back. Why? I was for the most part happy being nothing but I do admit there was a 'void' there. Something missing. No way was I going to back to fundamentalism. Those days were long gone..but I knew I needed something more than what I had and I was open to anything. There was no 'I'm not going to do that or go there!" No one was more surprised than me when I ended up where I did.

So my advice? All I can say is what worked for me. A time away. A time to shut up the voices in the head. A time to find out what life without God is really like. A time to honestly ask myself if that was what I really wanted. Well it help anyone else on their spiritual journey? I don't know.

People here care because we understand. I hope you all can find some real life people in your lives who do as well.

Peace be with you.