Where to go, What to do -- Redo

[pastor's wife]

This thread got hijacked so we took it down, but ddandb's original question is still out there so here it is back again. Feel free to continue the discussion:

Quote:ddandb Where to go, what to do
I'll try to keep it short. If you read nothing else my main question is... how do you look for a church?
Was Fundy under Pastor form HAC. Left as a completely demoralized individual.
Some good friends from that church also left and starting attending what I've been calling a Fundy-Lite Church. My wife also started attending and eventually joined. I just go on Sunday nights.
I have no real problems with the current church. It is certainly a lot more guilt free (except when missionary's or guest speakers come in to preach) but I don't think that's where I should be.
The problem is that I do have some good friends there and the biggest.. my wife is a member and genuinely likes the church. Church 'shopping' is not something she is going to want to do.
So... stay put? It is an OK place.
Look around without the wife and maybe become a two church family? Children are grown and married so that is not an issue.
What's the best way to look for a church?

Any help is appreciated.

Quote:08-30-2012, 02:27 PM
C_Fresh

RE: Where to go, what to do
I know people in a similar situation. Not really sure what the aswer would be. Personally, I'm not a fan of separate churches if it can be helped but for some people it works fine. You can poke around and see if some of the other churches post sermons online. That would let you and your wife get an idea without actually needing to skip the church she currently attends. Gotta love e-commerce.

Quote:
08-30-2012, 02:29 PM
co_heir

RE: Where to go, what to do
Since I believe that "church" is anytime, anywhere followers of Jesus meet to build each other up, I would say look for folks who are willing to just get together. Invite some other believers over for dinner, go to a ball game together, hang out together in a coffee shop (or bar, if that's your thing). Maybe start a Bible study. You could do those things and still attend services with your wife. The important part is finding a way to fellowship with other Christians so you can disciple them and be discipled by them.

Quote:08-30-2012, 03:02 PM
Xian Pugilist

RE: Where to go, what to do
First you gotta decide if you are going to attend churches your wife wouldn't go to? That could cause flak, to say the least. Maybe it wouldn't, I don't know.

If you stay with your wife, then the challenge is how to get her to meet you half way and shop churches with you; oR how can you stay there? Perhaps you could hook up with a small group a night or two a week to get your fix of the "more stuff" you need than your wife.

Quote:08-30-2012, 04:04 PM
Bob M

RE: Where to go, what to do
It depends on where you live. If i knew that, it might help.

Finding a church is not hard. Look online for their doctrinal statement. Eliminate any that smack of fundy. (i.e. separation as a main doctrinal item, requiring people to believe the pre-trib rapture to be a member, photo galleries where all the women are in long, drab dresses, etc you get the idea)

Then visit. Listen to the preaching. For me, that is the one thing that matters. If you get fed, seriously fed spiritually, then take it to the next step and meet with someone on staff and ask questions.

If they end up being guilt trip evangelicals or fundies, get out. Find one church you feel confortable in and stay. It might take a year.

Geting your wife to come is another story. My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world. When we left fundyville, I wanted to attend one large church. She tried another with the kids. The kids loved the one she took them to, but theologically I could not go there. My oldest son ended up joining that church, and I bless him for it. In the end, my wife agreed, after I explained my misgivings to her, to the one I liked. We have been there since. Like I said, I have the most wonderful wife in the world, but that is another story. Maybe for another thread when I feel much more safe.

Quote:08-30-2012, 04:18 PM elfdream

RE: Where to go, what to do
We went to a seeker friendly church. Husband is still there. I go to another church but we do so many things together (yes we are one of those joined at the hip couples) that going to separate places of worship is not a point of friction. We focus on the things we have in common.

[paul]

My biggest advice for anyone looking for a church, and especially a couple/family... have a family discussion (or multiple) with open and honest discourse about what are the most important priorities for you in a church. This helped after we floundered for nearly a year here. We visited and would like bits and pieces of each church, but never really felt "right".

So we talked it over and my wife and I agreed that, for us, the most important issue was hearing the gospel each and every week. Growing up with tons of rules and veiled Gnosticism, we have embraced grace and the gospel and want to hear that. So we refreshed our search to find what we were looking for.

ddandb, I can sympathize as well. When it comes to issues regarding theology, I am "further along" on the journey out of fundamentalism than my wife. We both know this and acknowledge it. For me, it was a matter of being patient for God to work on her in His time and just being honest about what I thought and felt and believed, even if I couldn't always express it clearly.

[ddandb]

Thanks for cleaning up my thread.

I put my zip code in and started looking for churches in my area. It looks like the best bet is to just start visiting on Sunday mornings or a weekday service and see what it's like.
This is going to sound a little cold and calculating, but I'll keep a list. Yes.. No.. Maybe.. Once I feel I've visited enough churches I'll check out the yes's and maybe's again and narrow it down to few and visit back and forth till I feel that God is leading me to one in particular.

Best thing I can figure out so far.

[paul]

(09-05-2012 10:32 AM)ddandb Wrote:  Thanks for cleaning up my thread.

I put my zip code in and started looking for churches in my area. It looks like the best bet is to just start visiting on Sunday mornings or a weekday service and see what it's like.
This is going to sound a little cold and calculating, but I'll keep a list. Yes.. No.. Maybe.. Once I feel I've visited enough churches I'll check out the yes's and maybe's again and narrow it down to few and visit back and forth till I feel that God is leading me to one in particular.

Best thing I can figure out so far.

Do Not discount the possibility of virtual visiting. Visiting churches can be very draining on you (and to a lesser extent, to the church). Depending on how high a priority the teaching (theology) is, you can probably eliminate quite a few churches by visiting their website and listening to a sermon or two. This is a hard thing to bring yourself to do on a Sunday morning coming from a background of being in every service, but it can be very rewarding in the long run.

[notdrinkingthekoolaid]

"Virtual visits" can help a lot! I wish we had thought of that a few years ago when we relocated. It took us almost a year of complete misses and near misses to find the church we now call home. One place we walked out before the worship service was over. Not so bad...except that we'd never been there and had to go searching for our older 2 kids who were in classes! Oops!

[Jeremy C]

(09-07-2012 06:19 PM)Victoria Wrote:  I see a church home as two-fold.

First, a place where they can minister to me.

Second, a place where I can minister to them.

And of course doctrine, etc, being in order.

I think your 2nd point is essential, and it's something we often forget about. Church isn't just about us (I'd say it's primarily NOT about us, but that's another thread), it's about a chance to serve others and build them up. If all you're doing is being fed, then you'll get spiritually fat instead of spiritually fit.