Teaching your kids about sex

[laurat99]

From what I've gleaned in the "What did your fundy parents teach you about sex" thread, the fundy or avoid talking about sex at all costs method didn't really work. As a believer, how have you or will you talk with your kids about sex?

I want my kids to wait until marriage for sex, but I'm not totally ignorant to the fact they will most likely have sex before marriage. I'd feel like I was compromising if I said it was ok to talk about it outside the context of marriage.

[elizabethn]

Since the vast majority of people in the USA *do* have sex before/outside of marriage, it would be wise for you to talk about it, even if you feel like you are "compromising." This is a fact of life, no different from the gazillion other facts of life that fundies ignore or distort.

Education is the best possible tool for shaping behavior. If you educate your children thoroughly about sex, and make it into as minimal of a deal as possible, you will take it out of the realm of being something "big and bad" that kids can do to express their rebellion. You will also demystify the subject. If you show them that a whole bunch of their curiousity can be satisfied through education, it will lose a certain bit of its allure.

Take sex off the pedestal and out of the shadows. Give them access to all the information they want. It will help them make more informed choices when the time comes. More informed choices are not always "good" choices, but the odds will go up a bunch that they will be "better" choices than ones made out of ignorance or out of the inability to evaluate matters in any manner except by the Big Rule Book in the Sky.

[pastor's wife]

I have talked to my oldest about it. She's 13 and finishing 8th grade. I haven't yet talked to my younger kids although I need to since they're in public school and will be hearing things. (Well, they'd hear things in Christian school too, although for some reason I never did.)

Quote: I'm not totally ignorant to the fact they will most likely have sex before marriage

Scary! I'm not ready to go there. My siblings both did, but my husband and I waited as did I think all of his siblings. I truly hope with all my heart that I can encourage them to wait.

I still find it hard to even say the word "sex" so talking to my kids is not easy, but I do believe it necessary. I also don't want them thinking sex is a dirty secret or something gross that you "have" to do when you're married but you aren't supposed to enjoy. I want them to see it as a gift of God. I have picked up a couple Christian books about growing up too and want them to read them when they're interested instead of making things like that taboo.

I hate to admit how old I was before I even heard the word "vagina" or knew what it meant.

[elizabethn]

(05-25-2012 10:59 AM)pastors wife Wrote:  I hate to admit how old I was before I even heard the word "vagina" or knew what it meant.

^^This! Is what (I believe) parents need to avoid at all costs. If your kids can't yet talk about any or all of their bodily functions and anatomy openly, then it's past time to make it so. For starters, it greatly increases the chances that they will understand that a molester is doing something bad, AND they will feel a little bit more able to tell you what happened.

Sex education is about a LOT more than trying to get kids to wait till marriage.

[myotch]

Parenthood is not for the squeamish.

Answer every question they ask, truthfully, honestly, and as much detail as you can muster. Take away the mystery. Don't be afraid to say "penis", "vagina" or any other term. Your kids will probably die of embarrassment. That's ok.

Oh, it's what you don't have to say that's just about as important. I read once the best sex education a kid can have is to see dad swatting mamma's butt....and the momma liking it

Other than that, don't be afraid to have sex with as much gusto and noise as to wake up the whole neighborhood. Your kids will eventually get the idea what it's all about, and if you wake 'em up enough, they will meet your sexual activity with a roll of the eyes.

[Persnickety Polecat]

(05-25-2012 10:43 AM)laurat99 Wrote:  From what I've gleaned in the "What did your fundy parents teach you about sex" thread, the fundy or avoid talking about sex at all costs method didn't really work. As a believer, how have you or will you talk with your kids about sex?

I want my kids to wait until marriage for sex, but I'm not totally ignorant to the fact they will most likely have sex before marriage. I'd feel like I was compromising if I said it was ok to talk about it outside the context of marriage.

I didn't want sex to be a big mystery, nor did I ever want to end up having to have "the talk" with my kids, so I made sure there was a dialogue starting very early. My kids have always known the correct names for their body parts. When they were very young, we would talk about how moms have ovaries that make eggs, and when one is fertilized, the egg travels to the uterus where it can grow into a baby until it's ready to be born. Very, very simple stuff. (My husband gets all awkward and prudish when the subject of sex comes up, so he's pretty much opted out of sex ed in our family, sigh).

We haven't gone into the mechanics of sex yet, but our oldest is just a bit over 9. Still, when they ask questions, I answer as honestly and age-appropriately as I can. They have all seen babies born, and they are very aware that men and women are built differently.

As for waiting until marriage: It's a toughie. I would like for my kids to wait, if not for marriage, than at least for someone they love and are 100 percent committed to. Of course, talking about safety, contraceptives, respect and more is all a natural part of discussing sex either inside or outside the context of marriage. However, discussing sex within the context of marriage solidifies *your* family's values and your personal morals.

I think it's like everything else in parenting. It's our job to give them the information they need to make good choices. They aren't always going to make good choices -- or choices with which we agree. But if we've given them the right information to the best of our ability, we've done our job. Their choices are their own beyond that point.

[Persnickety Polecat]

(05-25-2012 11:03 AM)elizabethn Wrote:  

(05-25-2012 10:59 AM)pastors wife Wrote:  I hate to admit how old I was before I even heard the word "vagina" or knew what it meant.

^^This! Is what (I believe) parents need to avoid at all costs. If your kids can't yet talk about any or all of their bodily functions and anatomy openly, then it's past time to make it so. For starters, it greatly increases the chances that they will understand that a molester is doing something bad, AND they will feel a little bit more able to tell you what happened.

Sex education is about a LOT more than trying to get kids to wait till marriage.

I wish I could bold, highlight, italicize, and underline this a thousand times over. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and more yeses. Just yes.

[elfdream]

You all might think this extremely silly but do any of you all remember the TV show Full House? My two oldest watched that when they were little. Uncle Jesse and Becky getting married and having children was the starting point for us. It showed two people falling in love, getting married and having kids..... It was almost too perfect.

I admit that I spent more time on the 'cult talk' than I did on the 'sex' talk though.

[WifeofBill]

We realized how ignorant we had kept our kids when I was pregnant last year and mentioned dad had a role in me being pregnant. My then 10 year old son was perplexed that it took two people to get pregnant. So, my husband talk to him about the basics. My 7 year old daughter asked to be in the delivery room. My midwife was great at helping explain what would happen. She now knows exactly how babies enter this world. She's asked to be there when my sister delivers. My sister is having her first so she wants no one there. I want to be as open and honest as I can, but I'll admit it's tough.

[Sharon]

My elder son's understanding of "where babies come from" was based on the Pokemon game--two pokemon get dropped off at the daycare, get married, and have babies. (he was 5 or 6 at the time)

We didn't do a "sit down and learn everything" approach. We started with anatomy, then moved towards the basics of mammalian reproduction. We maintained a conservative "this is for married people only" perspective till just this past year or so--my idiot brother had a child by a woman he isn't married to, so that's not exactly an illusion I can maintain any more. At the same time I tell him this does work between unmarried people, I tell him that there are measures one can take to prevent it, and that one needs to be responsible for his or her own reproduction.