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**boymom** · 04-23-2012, 06:44 AM

That is a well thought out, well-written letter. If you do leave in the details about why your parents left, I would change the word 'tightwad'. Its the only truly negative word in your letter, and it will most likely be latched onto. Maybe 'frugal' instead. I personally would probably ignore her, but at least now you are prepared and ready to move forward.

Kate · 04-23-2012, 12:37 PM

(04-23-2012 06:44 AM)boymom Wrote: That is a well thought out, well-written letter. If you do leave in the details about why your parents left, I would change the word 'tightwad'. Its the only truly negative word in your letter, and it will most likely be latched onto. Maybe 'frugal' instead. I personally would probably ignore her, but at least now you are prepared and ready to move forward.

Thanks. I owe a big tip of the hat to Pastor's Wife. You are right about the "tightwad". It's always been a bit of a joke, really, but under the circumstances your point is well taken. I'll go with frugal. Still haven't decided to send this, though. Sigh.

Hollandmichigan · 04-23-2012, 12:49 PM

Well, if you didn't already thoroughly enjoy the first forty years of being stalked then brace yourself for forty more years of bliss. She obviously craves attention. And this is probably too honest, but quite frankly your letter is full of passive-aggressive crap. Especially the part about enjoying her friendship when you obviously found every moment excruciatingly painful. Block her like your life depended on it because it probably does...

**pastor's wife** · 04-23-2012, 12:58 PM

Kate, I used your own words throughout my example letter! I'm glad if what I wrote helped.

I love what you heard in chapel: "Sometimes we must face up to injustice in order to maintain peace."

If I were in your shoes, I also wouldn't be sure what to do. Often speaking to fundies is a waste of time because they refuse to believe you, label you, and even use your own words later to attack and discredit you. But at the same time, there is great freedom and a feeling of power in standing up and speaking out.

I liked your letter a lot and appreciate your humility in admitting how God had changed your attitude and opinion toward church music. I agree with laura that you might not want to give the details about what happened to your parents, but it's certainly your choice to present it, especially if she gets mad and cuts off contact -- then at least you'll know that you presented your parents' side of the story. If you keep their story, I would also change "tightwad" to frugal. You might reconsider "sheeple" as well and just say "sheep" or "church members."

Totally not sure if you should send it or not, but remember either way, you have grace and freedom in Christ. There's no black/white, right/wrong answer here, whichever way you choose.

God bless!

Don · 04-23-2012, 01:30 PM

Kate,
This person is not associated with the Fundie missionaries who are returning is she? You don't think that while they were on depuatation that there was some interaction there? I hope not. It just seems a little bit odd given the timing of this "contact" attempt.

Kate · 04-23-2012, 03:32 PM

(04-23-2012 01:30 PM)Don Wrote: Kate,
This person is not associated with the Fundie missionaries who are returning is she? You don't think that while they were on depuatation that there was some interaction there? I hope not. It just seems a little bit odd given the timing of this "contact" attempt.

Don, I seriously doubt any connection with the missionaries. They are from the south, Gerogia, this gal is in Arizona. The missionaries actually told me they had never been to the Southwest. Or anywhere in the West for that matter. Also, my old friend wouldn't know me by my married name and the missionaries don't know me by my maiden name. That all changed only three years ago. I've been a bit of a rolling stone the past 20+ years, visiting lots of churches with our music ministry and moving around the West. I've rolled across her path a few times. I guess it is a small world after all. Who woulda thunk I'd roll all the way to England and she still turn up!! At least she's not here. I hope!

Kate · 04-24-2012, 04:54 AM

(04-23-2012 12:49 PM)Hollandmichigan Wrote: Well, if you didn't already thoroughly enjoy the first forty years of being stalked then brace yourself for forty more years of bliss. She obviously craves attention. And this is probably too honest, but quite frankly your letter is full of passive-aggressive crap. Especially the part about enjoying her friendship when you obviously found every moment excruciatingly painful. Block her like your life depended on it because it probably does...

Perhaps I need to clarify the situation. This woman and I were friends when we were teens in the late 60s. I did enjoy her friendship. She was not the one bringing lies against my mother in an agenda to get my dad to leave the church...it was her parents, both of them, I am certain. Cathy and her sister were both away at college. And dollars to donuts, she has no clue whatsoever about the truth of that incident. Her parents were not going to tell the truth. As far as she is concerned, there is no reason that we should not resume a friendship. It is the association with her remaining parent, her 80+year old dad, that causes me anxiety. Telling her the truth about what was done to my parents and about the behavior I have seen in IFB churches over the years that is unkind as well as unbiblical...how is that passive aggressive crap? Seems honest to me. At least, that was my intent.

Hollandmichigan · 04-24-2012, 07:25 AM

(04-24-2012 04:54 AM)Kate Wrote:
(04-23-2012 12:49 PM)Hollandmichigan Wrote: Well, if you didn't already thoroughly enjoy the first forty years of being stalked then brace yourself for forty more years of bliss. She obviously craves attention. And this is probably too honest, but quite frankly your letter is full of passive-aggressive crap. Especially the part about enjoying her friendship when you obviously found every moment excruciatingly painful. Block her like your life depended on it because it probably does...

Perhaps I need to clarify the situation. This woman and I were friends when we were teens in the late 60s. I did enjoy her friendship. She was not the one bringing lies against my mother in an agenda to get my dad to leave the church...it was her parents, both of them, I am certain. Cathy and her sister were both away at college. And dollars to donuts, she has no clue whatsoever about the truth of that incident. Her parents were not going to tell the truth. As far as she is concerned, there is no reason that we should not resume a friendship. It is the association with her remaining parent, her 80+year old dad, that causes me anxiety. Telling her the truth about what was done to my parents and about the behavior I have seen in IFB churches over the years that is unkind as well as unbiblical...how is that passive aggressive crap? Seems honest to me. At least, that was my intent.

Ok maybe i misread you, it seemed like you were saying before that you hadnt really liked her as a friend. I'd just be careful to be honest about how you feel; obviously she wants to reconnect with you in some way, and if you have no real desire to do that, then it's only fair to the both of you to explicitly tell her that.

Kate · 04-24-2012, 08:18 AM

(04-24-2012 07:25 AM)Hollandmichigan Wrote:
(04-24-2012 04:54 AM)Kate Wrote: Perhaps I need to clarify the situation. This woman and I were friends when we were teens in the late 60s. I did enjoy her friendship. She was not the one bringing lies against my mother in an agenda to get my dad to leave the church...it was her parents, both of them, I am certain. Cathy and her sister were both away at college. And dollars to donuts, she has no clue whatsoever about the truth of that incident. Her parents were not going to tell the truth. As far as she is concerned, there is no reason that we should not resume a friendship. It is the association with her remaining parent, her 80+year old dad, that causes me anxiety. Telling her the truth about what was done to my parents and about the behavior I have seen in IFB churches over the years that is unkind as well as unbiblical...how is that passive aggressive crap? Seems honest to me. At least, that was my intent.

Ok maybe i misread you, it seemed like you were saying before that you hadnt really liked her as a friend. I'd just be careful to be honest about how you feel; obviously she wants to reconnect with you in some way, and if you have no real desire to do that, then it's only fair to the both of you to explicitly tell her that.

Thanks for trying to understand. It is very hard to condense all this into short enough bits that are readable yet convey the details. My fault for not being clear.