40 years of Being Haunted by a Fundy

[Kate]

PW, that is absolutely beautiful! That is certainly what I would like her to know. My friends refused to give "Sue" my phone number but said they would pass hers along to me, which they did, leaving the ball in my court. So, unless she can find me on Facebook and contact me that way, she's in the dark. Do I initiate contact? That's my struggle. Is it worth it? Is she worth it? Would my contacting her and saying what you have suggested even do any good? I hate conflict, too. And I also love truth and justice. I fear that my responding to her may turn into my trying to one-up her. Ugh! So many bad memories! I did not enjoy being a teen becausd they made it weird. They taught us that Christians were to be a "peculiar people" and they took it as peculiar/odd. So be the weirdo for Jesus and try to be as peculiar as possible. Every time I have interacted with "Sue", however briefly, over the past decades, she would always bring up memories from when we were teens. And I don't remember what she does! I have no desire to sit and giggle about the good old days. Because they weren't good. And I'm afraid I might dissolve into how not good they were. I'll wait and pray about it another day.

[elfdream]

You are under no obligation to approach her first. However do take the time to prepare some kind of response just in case SHE tries to contact you again. Write it down if that helps.

More than likely she has an agenda. She probably wants bring you around from your 'backsliding' ways.

[Mommy2Kids]

(04-21-2012 01:13 AM)Kate Wrote:  PW, that is absolutely beautiful! That is certainly what I would like her to know. My friends refused to give "Sue" my phone number but said they would pass hers along to me, which they did, leaving the ball in my court. So, unless she can find me on Facebook and contact me that way, she's in the dark. Do I initiate contact? That's my struggle. Is it worth it? Is she worth it? Would my contacting her and saying what you have suggested even do any good? I hate conflict, too. And I also love truth and justice. I fear that my responding to her may turn into my trying to one-up her. Ugh! So many bad memories! I did not enjoy being a teen becausd they made it weird. They taught us that Christians were to be a "peculiar people" and they took it as peculiar/odd. So be the weirdo for Jesus and try to be as peculiar as possible. Every time I have interacted with "Sue", however briefly, over the past decades, she would always bring up memories from when we were teens. And I don't remember what she does! I have no desire to sit and giggle about the good old days. Because they weren't good. And I'm afraid I might dissolve into how not good they were. I'll wait and pray about it another day.

The word "peculiar" doesn't mean odd. It's an Old English word that used to mean a beloved possession. We're supposed to be special, not "special."

[MKxcomm]

Run! If she is tracking you down 40 years later, getting in contact with her now would be a big mistake. Don't feed the beast!

My IFB relatives are still constantly stalking me after three years of me keeping complete radio silence on them. THEY WON'T STOP!

Don't encourage this woman's insanity!

[Papa Bear]

I agree with MKxcomm. No matter what you do, it will prove (in these people's minds) that they are right. Why give them more information to distort to their purposes? While making contact might not end painfully, I don't see any good coming from it, either. You know what happened. They think they know what happened, and will take any new information as evidence they were right.

[Kate]

I called my parents yesterday. "Guess who called Seth and Cassy trying to get my phone number?" Of course, they couldn't pull this one out of their hats. "Cathy B." I said. I knew what Mom would say --"YOU'RE KIDDING!" My parents are now in their 80s, and, since I am living in England they both get on the line whenever I call, Dad on speaker phone. I can see Dad now. He does this great mouth-hanging-open dumbfounded look, and I can imagine him throwing that at the phone. They both think I should let it ride and not contact her. I have told them about SFL and the stories others have shared from Fundydom, that what we experienced was not isolated to us, nor was it as awful as others have experienced. Mom said, "Well, I guess God was watching out for us and got us out of there." Yup. Even though it hurt, God did indeed deliver us from the lion's den. I took that moment to thank my dad for leading up that exodus. Mom and Dad had not remembered that this all happened in my first year of Bible college. I said, "Did you remember that I had wanted to go to HAC with Cathy and Susie because that was the opening year of the college?" They had forgotten that. I said, "Do you remember that Dad talked me out of wanting to go there and offered to pay my first year at the school here?" They did recall that. And I took another opportunity to thank my dad. But still--the three of us were just astounded that this gal has turned up yet again in my life! The proverbial bad penny. Once every 10 years it seems. Good grief! I did write out a rough draft of a letter, using PW's lovely one as an example. So my thoughts are down. Just couldn't resist a juicy paragraph on what really happened with my family when she and her sister were away at college at HAC, because we all know she would never have been told the truth. And maybe for that reason I'd better not contact her. Because I feel compelled to make sure she knows the rest of the story.

[Kate]

The message in church yesterday was "blessed are the peacemakers." And the chaplain's points spoke right to my dilemma! Sometimes we must face up to injustice in order to maintain peace. So I am wondering if I should go ahead and Facebook this gal. I'll post a draft of my message and welcome any suggestions and advice. Even advice that says "keep running". By the way, Pastor's Wife, I did llift some things from the message you suggested above. It couldn't have been said better. Hope you don't mind!

My rough draft:


Dear Cathy,

The other day I got a Facebook message from Cassy saying that you had contacted them wanting my phone number. Cassy gave me your number and left it to me to contact you if I wished. I must say I could not imagine why you would go to such lengths to contact me by phone. After all, we knew each other 40 years ago in jr high and high school years and have, oddly enough, crossed paths a few times since then. I can only hope that all is well with you and you are experiencing an abundance of God's blessings in your life.

I hesitated contacting you because, frankly, it has been a lot of years and we have gone different ways, as life tends to do with folks. While I enjoyed friendship with you and Susie back in those day so long ago, there are things that happened to my family in connection your parents' ministry that are not good memories. I do not look with fond reminiscence upon my years in Minot or Boulder. Hence, my hesitation in contacting you.

That being said, I looked you up on Facebook and thought perhaps I'd contact you this way and let you know how God has worked in my life. Over the years He has led me more and more to discover His grace and love, which stands in stark contrast to what I have seen in a lot of churches. Sadly, these were churches that were full of "sin-hatin', Bible thumping" rhetoric that went unbalanced by compassion and gentleness. There was a foolish admiration for certain preachers for how high they could jump on the platform while preaching, not how well they divided the Word of God, and some such men so admired were to later become embroiled in the grossest and most obvious of sins (like running off with the secretary). I saw cruel innuendo, manipulation, silly circus tricks to entice kids to ride the Sunday school bus, ridiculous lengths taken in "church discipline" on new Christians who needed to be lovingly taught and counseled rather than be kicked out of the church as an example to keep the rest of the "sheeple" in line, the hero worship of celebrity preachers, so-called "great men of God" like Jack Hyles, emulating his acerbic style but being unwilling to acknowledge his feet of clay, preachers whose opening remarks in the pulpit were things they were against followed by rants designed to guilt the people into filling the altar at the invitation, a focus on numbers rather than individuals...so many things that showed none of the fruit of the Spirit and left people wounded and desperately hurt.

You probably never knew the real reason my family left the church in Boulder while you and Susie were away at HAC. I know you were never told the truth, because there was no truth in it to begin with. In fact it was all about false witness brought against my mom, namely "gossip." Without ever being counseled or questioned, my mom was vilified in a closed deacons' meeting, accused of gossiping. The whole thing was ridiculous, because my mother did not socialize with anyone from church except your family, and phone calls to Boulder in those days were long distance. Tightwad that my dad was, he never would have let a phone bill carrying a lot of long distance charges go unchallenged. My mother had no clue what being done to her behind closed doors. The biblical principle in Matthew 18 was ignored in order to carry out an agenda. She had no chance to defend herself. She only knew that something strange was up because none of the "men of the church" could look her in the eye. Dad came out of that meeting, grabbed the family and we left. Dad was becoming more and more disenchanted with the dictatorial "my way or the highway" pastor rule that was so common in the BBF churches in Colorado at that time. Dad wasn't one to let unbiblical pastor rule go without challenging it. That wasn't going to leave the pastor smelling like a rose, so "Clint had to go." Attack him on his weak flank--his wife who would never stand up for herself even if she was accused to her face. That was the last straw for Dad. It wasn't worth the fight. We landed in a great church. It did not have BBF on the door.

I ran afoul of other BBF ministries over the years, some in my teaching career, some in my music ministry career, and I have encountered some really great ones where I have made lifelong friends, like Cassy's mom and dad.

I feel strongly that the type of Christianity I saw when we were young was NOT what Jesus was talking about in the Gospels. Instead I have discovered that Jesus wants His leaders to be humble and patient, focused on others, forgiving and compassionate, not harsh and angry.

I am rejoicing in the life God has given me. He has given me awesome experiences. I have enjoyed a very rewarding career in Christian education. Then He took me into a music ministry and gave me experiences I could never have imagined, taught me things I never thought I'd learn to do, given me friends, both saved and unsaved, that I treasure. And now, in these "more mature years" He has given me a wonderful husband, a widower with five grown children and nine grandkids! He has brought me to England for a few years, given me an opportunity to serve Him through the Protestant Women of the Chapel at the base chapel both in leadership and teaching. He has lowered my arrogant nose regarding music--where I held forth, often obnoxiously, to my shame, that the old hymns and gospel songs were the "only thing appropriate for church", He taught me that I was mistaken, that while those are certainly good and I love them, they are a cultural preference, that He is pleased when He is worshipped in love and truth even if the music is played on guitar and accompanied by drums.

My Heavenly Father directs, guides, leads, teaches, challenges, and corrects me in an ongoing journey. I have no desire to go back into the legalistic bondage that I encountered in the religion of my youth. This is why I hesitate to make contact with you. I know where you come from, and it appears that you may still be there. And I know what "There" is like. I was "There" once and recognize it well. I would not be surprised if you read this and judge that I have fallen away from the faith, that I have "backslidden" or become liberal. That's what the IFB movement teaches you to do. If one doesn't exhibit the outward appearance of what is declared to be what a Christian should look like, dress like, talk like, smell like, act like, then that person must certainly be unsaved. So unbiblical! If I am wrong, and you are not there anymore, then I do apologize and humbly ask your forgiveness. But I can only go by my experiences of our shared past.

If you desire to try to "witness" to me and rehabilitate me, please just "unfriend" me from Facebook. I and solid and secure in Christ and in His amazing grace. He does all the growth and teaching that I ever need.

I love to talk with folks about how good God is and to enjoy Him together. If you want to do that, then I welcome your friendship.

Blessings,
Kate Taylor Warren

[elfdream]

I still would ignore her BUT....

If you choose to do this I hope the truth sets her free.

I can remember my mother's reaction whenever anything was brought up against a preacher. She would call them 'lies'. She simply could NOT believe that Godly people could behave in such ways. That they were somehow 'protected' from the sins of the rest of us because they spent so much time in the Word and praying. The memory is fuzzy but I'm pretty sure that's how she reacted to the news about Dr. Jack Hyles. That it was lies. It was like there was this glass wall of denial up in front of her that she refused to break down.
I'm sure that others here know what I'm talking about and so do you. That wall will probably go up in front of this person at least for a while. Expect resistance but her reaction to the truth is not your problem. You will have done what you could.

[laurat99]

Kate, great letter. I wouldn't share the details about what happened with your parents, though. It will turn into a she said/she said kind of thing. Just leave it at my parents were very hurt by the BBF movement. The rest of your letter is perfect.

[bean]

Wow, that was a an amazing letter!