Things that HACK ME OFF!

[amyrose5]

Four people who are very close to me were adopted as infants. Three of them are my first cousins and I grew up with them. Their feelings are mixed, but I know none of them would change the lives they had. One has adopted a child herself.

Another friend of mine adopted a child from China. I was very close to her at the time she and her husband went through that process and I know their eyes were wide open. On the other side of the spectrum, this woman's parents adopted two special needs children and essentially returned one to state custody when he was in his teens due to difficulties as a result of fetal alcohol syndrome. Because of this, my friend understood that there would be problems. She understood that starting life in an orphanage meant that her daughter may have learning disabilities, attachment disorder and many other problems. She actually has a degree in special education and grew up with two adopted special needs siblings, she was well aware of the issues they might face and the impact they would have. It has been their good fortune that the worst effects their daughter has faced are learning disabilities which my friend is well equipped to help her navigate and has been able to be an advocate for her with the school system as well (my friend does not use her degree to teach). They have also been aware of the cultural challenges; the family took a trip to China two years ago. Their daughter is a talented dancer and is pursuing a ballet career. They also have a biological child with a whole different set of talents and dreams. They nurture both of them to find their niche. And if there is any favoritism that I have observed, it is toward their adopted daughter--something they need to recognize and stop. But favoritism happens to the best of parents whether their children are biological or adopted.

On the other hand, one of my adopted cousins is 3/4 Native American. When she found her biological mother, she learned that she is Ogalala Sioux and her mother has spent her entire life on the Pine Ridge Reservation. If you know anything about the Pine Ridge, you know it is the most poverty stricken place in the U.S. Many families live without electricity or plumbing. My cousin knows she escaped a life of terrible poverty. Her biological mother has a serious alcohol problem as well. But...so does her adoptive father. So she merely got to experience being a child of an alcoholic on an upper middle class acreage rather than in total poverty. Who knows if the trade off really mattered. The major negative aspect of her adoption (which would not have happened two years later after the Indian Child Welfare Act banned most adoptions of Native children to non-Native families) is that her parents felt that it was appropriate to ignore her ethnic background entirely. My cousin looks 100% Native American. Her only feature that would make anyone question that ethnicity is blue eyes. She knew from childhood that she was not white, but my aunt and uncle insisted that she was. When she attempted to explore her Native identity as a young teenager by reading about Native history, myth, culture, etc...they shut her down and took the books back to the library. This has harmed her in a variety of ways. She has struggled with her own identity very much as an adult. Finding her biological mother should have helped but the relationship was tense as the mother hoped for financial support from her, so she has refused opportunities to visit the reservation or be formally accepted back into the tribe. I know a tribal historian from another Sioux tribe who has told me that this is not an uncommon situation and that most white parents who adopted Native children ignored or even banned any recognition of the children's ethnicity. Adoptees who are able to return to the tribe are welcomed with open arms and some tribes have ceremonies to welcome them home. He considers it an important step in healing their loss of identity.

Adoption is complicated. That doesn't mean it is evil. But all of the rhetoric needs to be more balanced. Adoptive parents need to be made aware of the challenges and consequences. And people who adopt children of other cultures or ethnicities need support systems to help the children remain connected to their own heritage.