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**Sharon** · 03-16-2012, 08:20 AM

(03-16-2012 08:01 AM)redhot Wrote:
(03-15-2012 11:43 PM)Harry Seaward Wrote: Redhot, first let me say that I'm not coming from a "divorce is a sin" angle (I'm agnostic). Next, if you don't have any kids, stop reading now and do whatever you want.

If you do have kids, though, you really need to consider if splitting your family up over this is the right thing to do.

It sounds like your husband has a sex addiction and possibly OCD. Have either of you considered getting him into a recovery program? SA is free, a great place for him to identify as a sex addict (if in fact he is) and may end up being all he needs to get his life back on track.

Of course, he may be doing these things because he's checked out of the relationship, in which case there's not much you can do. But what if he wants to make it work? What would it take for him to earn your trust back? Is there a reason you wouldn't give him another chance? If he won't change, then of course he's going to be a bad influence on the kids, but if he is willing to try, you owe it to your kids to let him.

I do not have children.
He has made numerous irresponsible decisions about finances in the past, and when I pulled a credit report in January, I found $21,000 in credit card debt for gyms, porn, electronics, clothes, etc., in the past 18 months. He also took out $25,000 student loan, after telling me that his company was paying for his education. The night before I left, I came home to find vomit all over my house, and he was passed out. Come to find out, he had stopped at a bar on the way home and got drunk, to "make him feel better since it was the anniversary of his grandma's death." When I left the house for a few days to "clear my head", he told his family and the church that I left him "while he was sick" (drunk) and "there is $4,000 in debt, which she (me) put on there for groceries, gas, etc." He conveniently forgot to mention the porn, personal trainer, etc. (PS: I don't use credit cards... ever)
He says he wants me back, yet when I pulled a credit report last week, there are $3,000 more in charges since January. And my girls basketball team saw him out to dinner last week with a single woman from our church. Of course, the pastor does not see this as a problem, as they are "old friends". (again, I believe this is a double standard cuz it would have hit the fan if I had been out with a guy). He also told his lawyer that the credit card debt is mutual and I should pay for half.
It's only been 9 weeks, and I'm still really sensitive. I feel like I'm always having to defend myself to ... whoever... for not giving him a chance. IMHO using phrases like "sex addict" as an excuse for poor choices is a cop out. And since I feel like I have to defend myself, let me just say that I would beg him to have sex with me and he turned me down. Of course, now I know why.
To "earn my trust back" maybe he should start by cutting up his credit cards and telling the truth.
Again, sorry everybody to make this thread all about me.

I'm so glad you have a lawyer. Have I mentioned that? Your lawyer will fight his lawyer for you.

Staying together for the kids is, imo, stupid. My parents divorced when I was little, both found second spouses that made them happy. Yes, things were tough sometimes with two families, but because my cparents were happy in their marriage relationships I was more emotionally healthy than my best friend. Her parents stayed married "for the kids." My friend used to pray to God they would get divorced. Everyone in that house was miserable.

Divorce is a very hard thing to go through. Preachers like to talk as if it's a "1 2 3 now you're free" process, but it's hard. You have to face that someone you loved and trusted isn't really who you thought he (or she) was.

Ricardo · 03-16-2012, 08:58 AM

People would love to claim there was a "bait and switch" in the case of their marriage. Sometimes it is true. One spouse never showed the darker side of themselves until after the wedding.

On the other hand people change. Sometimes, as we grow emotionally and intellectually, We grow apart. No evil intent on either part. Sometimes our spouse stays the same or grows in a different direction.

I had a close friend who developed from a meek little housewife into the lead singer of a musical group I was part of. One night, at her house (where we rehearsed,) I overheard an argument with her husband, who told her: "You are no longer the little girl I married." How true. How sad. He was not willing to see her as a rising star, full of potential, ready to use the talents God gave her. He wanted to keep a subservient little girl, pregnant, barefoot, in the kitchen.

Sometimes, no, make it MANY times we sacrifice of ourselves to make a marriage work. BUT, when it is always one spouse who is doing the giving in, it is no good. We are called to a life in abundance. For both spouses. Yes, sometimes we "carry" our spouse, while they are in a bad spot, or while they are studying, or whatever. BUT, there has to be some expectation of reciprocity.

For a young marriage, a $25,000 debt is a MAJOR issue. It is no surprise some here have wondered if this person is sick, out of their minds. The idea of going back to "the way it used to be," is not really an option anymore. Not only does the spending has to stop, but the repayment of the incurred debt will affect the relationship. There is a very good chance that the man will not accept a relationship where he is accountable, financially, to her. It would appear as thou, at present, he is not response-able. On the other hand, if he already has a lawyer, it would appear as though the gloves are off.

elfdream · 03-16-2012, 10:22 AM

The wife's appearance, whether she is beautiful or not has nothing to do with porn addiction. He is obsessed with porn because he is an addict. His wife could look like any hot entertainer and do everything he asked but he would STILL look at the porn.

captain_solo · 03-16-2012, 11:01 AM

(02-18-2012 09:02 AM)JordanMaria Wrote: So.... she believes divorce is wrong and god a divorce because of the previous divorce.

She just put another "sin" on top of her other "sin".

That totally makes sense.

Sad.

I feel very bad for the poor man.

**M Go Blue** · (This post was last modified: 03-16-2012 01:04 PM by M Go Blue.)

(03-14-2012 09:44 AM)redhot Wrote: And to Ricardo: I'm used to FB: I keep trying to "like" your posts. I have said the exact same thing: that Baptists will forgive anything except divorce. That is the unpardonable sin.

Not all Baptists! Tongue

As a man whose parents are divorced (and has a step-dad) and whose brother got a divorce and remarried, this Baptist will tell you that divorce is not the worst thing a person can do. In fact, I'll be the first to suggest to a friend (if they ask and the situation is appropriate) that they should divorce his/her spouse. If the marriage isn't working and all attempts at fixing it (if it's worth fixing) have failed, I see absolutely no reason to stay married.

**redhot** · 03-16-2012, 02:10 PM

(03-16-2012 01:01 PM)M Go Blue Wrote:
(03-14-2012 09:44 AM)redhot Wrote: And to Ricardo: I'm used to FB: I keep trying to "like" your posts. I have said the exact same thing: that Baptists will forgive anything except divorce. That is the unpardonable sin.

Not all Baptists! As a man whose parents are divorced (and has a step-dad) and whose brother got a divorce and remarried, this Baptist will tell you that divorce is not the worst thing a person can do. In fact, I'll be the first to suggest to a friend (if they ask and the situation is appropriate) that they should divorce his/her spouse. If the marriage isn't working and all attempts at fixing it (if it's worth fixing) have failed, I see absolutely no reason to stay married.

I

your signature!! Go Blue!!
As a rule, I have found Baptists (IFB) to be very unforgiving toward divorce; obviously individuals are different.
I hope to eventually get remarried, but for argument's sake, what does the Bible say about it? I still am not sure. Fornicaton is a cause for divorce, and I think porn qualifies; but as for remarriage, the Bible does say if someone marries someone who is put away, that is committing adultery. However, if marriage is a contract and one party breaks it, does that release the other from the marriage, thus freeing them to marry again?

**M Go Blue** · 03-16-2012, 02:38 PM

(03-16-2012 02:10 PM)redhot Wrote:
(03-16-2012 01:01 PM)M Go Blue Wrote: Not all Baptists! As a man whose parents are divorced (and has a step-dad) and whose brother got a divorce and remarried, this Baptist will tell you that divorce is not the worst thing a person can do. In fact, I'll be the first to suggest to a friend (if they ask and the situation is appropriate) that they should divorce his/her spouse. If the marriage isn't working and all attempts at fixing it (if it's worth fixing) have failed, I see absolutely no reason to stay married.

I your signature!! Go Blue!!
As a rule, I have found Baptists (IFB) to be very unforgiving toward divorce; obviously individuals are different.
I hope to eventually get remarried, but for argument's sake, what does the Bible say about it? I still am not sure. Fornicaton is a cause for divorce, and I think porn qualifies; but as for remarriage, the Bible does say if someone marries someone who is put away, that is committing adultery. However, if marriage is a contract and one party breaks it, does that release the other from the marriage, thus freeing them to marry again?

Thanks! I love my Michigan Wolverines! Big Grin

~~Persnickety Polecat~~ · 03-16-2012, 02:43 PM

(03-15-2012 11:43 PM)Harry Seaward Wrote: Redhot, first let me say that I'm not coming from a "divorce is a sin" angle (I'm agnostic). Next, if you don't have any kids, stop reading now and do whatever you want.

If you do have kids, though, you really need to consider if splitting your family up over this is the right thing to do.

It sounds like your husband has a sex addiction and possibly OCD. Have either of you considered getting him into a recovery program? SA is free, a great place for him to identify as a sex addict (if in fact he is) and may end up being all he needs to get his life back on track.

Of course, he may be doing these things because he's checked out of the relationship, in which case there's not much you can do. But what if he wants to make it work? What would it take for him to earn your trust back? Is there a reason you wouldn't give him another chance? If he won't change, then of course he's going to be a bad influence on the kids, but if he is willing to try, you owe it to your kids to let him.

There are a lot of things that I'd try to work through with my husband "for the sake of the kids." But not something like this. Obviously, Redhot's choices are her own business, but a porn addiction is denigrating to her and the children both. If nothing else, she may be able to move out with the kids and then try to work through it (only if he is willing to go through intensive therapy). But I personally would not feel an ounce of guilt "for the kids' sake" for leaving my husband over a porn addiction that left us without intimacy and drove my family into thousands of dollars of debt.

Harry Seaward · 03-16-2012, 06:57 PM

(03-16-2012 08:01 AM)redhot Wrote: I do not have children.
He has made numerous irresponsible decisions about finances in the past, and when I pulled a credit report in January, I found $21,000 in credit card debt for gyms, porn, electronics, clothes, etc., in the past 18 months. He also took out $25,000 student loan, after telling me that his company was paying for his education. The night before I left, I came home to find vomit all over my house, and he was passed out. Come to find out, he had stopped at a bar on the way home and got drunk, to "make him feel better since it was the anniversary of his grandma's death." When I left the house for a few days to "clear my head", he told his family and the church that I left him "while he was sick" (drunk) and "there is $4,000 in debt, which she (me) put on there for groceries, gas, etc." He conveniently forgot to mention the porn, personal trainer, etc. (PS: I don't use credit cards... ever)
He says he wants me back, yet when I pulled a credit report last week, there are $3,000 more in charges since January. And my girls basketball team saw him out to dinner last week with a single woman from our church. Of course, the pastor does not see this as a problem, as they are "old friends". (again, I believe this is a double standard cuz it would have hit the fan if I had been out with a guy). He also told his lawyer that the credit card debt is mutual and I should pay for half.
It's only been 9 weeks, and I'm still really sensitive. I feel like I'm always having to defend myself to ... whoever... for not giving him a chance. IMHO using phrases like "sex addict" as an excuse for poor choices is a cop out. And since I feel like I have to defend myself, let me just say that I would beg him to have sex with me and he turned me down. Of course, now I know why.
To "earn my trust back" maybe he should start by cutting up his credit cards and telling the truth.
Again, sorry everybody to make this thread all about me.

I'm sorry you felt like you had to defend yourself to me or anyone else here. That certainly was not my intent and is the entire reason I started my post asking about kids. If the relationship is simply two adults calling it quits, so be it. It's not any different than any other relationship that comes to an end - you don't owe an explanation to anyone except yourself and the other person.

Harry Seaward · 03-16-2012, 07:03 PM

(03-16-2012 08:20 AM)Sharon Wrote: Staying together for the kids is, imo, stupid. My parents divorced when I was little, both found second spouses that made them happy. Yes, things were tough sometimes with two families, but because my cparents were happy in their marriage relationships I was more emotionally healthy than my best friend. Her parents stayed married "for the kids." My friend used to pray to God they would get divorced. Everyone in that house was miserable.

I didn't say stay together "for the kids". I said if he wanted to try to work things out, why not let him? Yes, if either side can't/won't compromise, it's not going to work and better in that case to end it earlier than later.