Divorce and Remarriage

[Qrayze]

you know, when you get married and say your vows and make the super magical covenant between you, your spouse, and God, no where does it mention any children you have or may have together in the future. imo, while kids should be constantly assured that they are not the reason for the parent's divorce, the actual decision to divorce should have nothing to do with them. co-dependent/narcisistic relationships run rampant in the IFB, and saying you have to consider the kids is just another guilt trip to keep the co-dependent in his or her place.

[Harry Seaward]

(03-18-2012 11:40 PM)Qrayze Wrote:  you know, when you get married and say your vows and make the super magical covenant between you, your spouse, and God, no where does it mention any children you have or may have together in the future. imo, while kids should be constantly assured that they are not the reason for the parent's divorce, the actual decision to divorce should have nothing to do with them. co-dependent/narcisistic relationships run rampant in the IFB, and saying you have to consider the kids is just another guilt trip to keep the co-dependent in his or her place.

Here's the deal.... I place zero significance in vows people make at the altar so you're barking up the wrong tree with me there. This is NOTHING about keeping vows and commitments. I see these kinds of things as superstition - "If I say it out loud, it will come true." If two people got married so they could have sex without sin in the eyes of their god (after all, the Bible does make this reason alone a valid one for getting married), then after 6 months decide they just don't like each other anymore but are too lazy to bother finding out why and working through their differences, it's nobody's business if they go on their separate ways. (Ironically, they probably won't because of the convictions they have about the fantasy pledge they made in the first place, but that's beside the point.)

The minute you bring kids into this world, though, your selfish desires immediately, and until those kids can fend for themselves, must come 2nd to things that are in the best interests of your kids. This means that things you were too lazy to work through before you had kids suddenly become something you owe to your kids to try to work though. It also means that, if splitting up your family is in the best interest of the kids, you do exactly that putting aside any guilt you may feel over the situation....which I have said previously, by the way.

Edit: If you don't want to have to think about anyone else when making decisions later in life you also have the option of not bringing kids into your world - which would be my first choice, actually.

I get the feeling that some of the people that have responded to me feel they need to justify their reasons for divorcing. I don't know any of you and don't know anything about any of your situations. If you have divorced and you don't have any kids or know divorcing was in the best interests of your kids if you do have them, good for you and for your kids. You deserve to be recognized for your bravery and courage in doing the difficult thing when others judged you harshly. I mean that sincerely; no sarcasm, no BS.

[Bill]

(03-19-2012 12:39 AM)Harry Seaward Wrote:  . I mean that sincerely; no sarcasm, no BS.

That's interesting, because your posting history would indicate a different tone. Did you ever have a spinster Sunday school teacher who never married but felt compelled to "train" others in how to have a good marriage? That's how you come across.

Or, it could be that you're a troll who has come to sow discord and prey on the pain of many members here.

If its the latter... I have a great recipe for braised troll carcass...

[NotUnderLaw]

(03-11-2012 02:56 PM)redhot Wrote:  I recently moved out of my house after discovering that my husband has spent $10,000 on Internet porn and $6,000 on gym memberships and personal trainers in the past 18 months. My sister says his porn addiction is my fault because men find me attractive and it made him feel insecure. Of course my IFB pastor and my dad, who is also IFB, say I should go back... forgive seventy times seven, marriage pictures relationship between Christ and the church, etc. I haven't filed for divorce yet, since I teach in the church's school and don't want to lose my job. Scared to even think about remarriage; I'll probably be ostracized from my family. In the mean time, due to his inability to perform with a live woman, it's been more than a year since.... The Bible does say it's better to marry than to burn so I think based on need, I'll be getting remarried.
Scripturally speaking, my brother says that marriage is a covenant between two people and if one person breaks it, the other person is free. I believe even a strict anti-divorce advocate would say that live, online porn chat is covered under "fornication".

I hope I am not the first to say that your husband needs help, is probably deeply ashamed, doesn't know where to turn and needs grace not condemnation. If my wife had run out on me when she found out my problems, I think I'd be dead now. I don't mean to be heartless, but have you actually sat down and discussed these issues with your husband, or did you just blow up at him and condemn him. I was introduced to rubbish at age 14, and it stuck with me for years.

When I got married I thought the days of looking stuff up would be over, but they weren't. Even now, the temptation lingers. I never spent money on anything (seriously, I can't understand why anyone would these days, since there is so much free stuff available, unless you count bandwidth and general internet fees), but I had so much shame and loneliness that I felt like I couldn't tell my wife. Now, I tell her everything. I don't keep secrets, and the only reason I can do that is because I know that if I tell her, she won't condemn me.

If he doesn't care, shows no intention of trying to overcome it, then that is a different story. But seriously, the pron issue is not about wanting more attractive women to bed. It's about loneliness, and wanting acceptance. Pictures don't condemn, they don't accuse, they don't argue, and they are always there. It's a fantasy, easily accessible, but totally deceiving. And I don't blame my wife for my problem at all, and I'm not intending to blame you for your husbands. My addiction was raging before I even got married. I tried to tell my wife several times but always ended up backing out and talking about something less serious. I feel like I deceived my wife and when I told her, she was really hurt. But she listened to me. Knowing that she loves me and won't condemn me if I slip up has really helped us both make strides in our marriage and in me overcoming the issues I had.

[lucrezaborgia]

(03-21-2012 07:05 PM)NotUnderLaw Wrote:  I hope I am not the first to say that your husband needs help...

Did you even read this thread?

Also, what do you mean by porn addiction? Did it interfere with your life to the point of almost loosing your job/wife/etc? What exactly are we talking about because I don't think your issue was anything close to what is going on with redhot's soon to be ex-husband.

[Tiarali]

Don't you love how someone needing help becomes synonymous with them being protected from the consequences of their actions (which, in the long run, does nothing to help them). Whereas the victim of their actions really does need help, but are being guilted into sacrificing themselves for a creep's benefit. Great.

[dramaturge]

(03-21-2012 08:37 PM)lucrezaborgia Wrote:  

(03-21-2012 07:05 PM)NotUnderLaw Wrote:  I hope I am not the first to say that your husband needs help...

Did you even read this thread?

To be fair, after about the second page, this thread became basically unreadable. haha

[NotUnderLaw]

(03-21-2012 08:37 PM)lucrezaborgia Wrote:  

(03-21-2012 07:05 PM)NotUnderLaw Wrote:  I hope I am not the first to say that your husband needs help...

Did you even read this thread?

Also, what do you mean by porn addiction? Did it interfere with your life to the point of almost loosing your job/wife/etc? What exactly are we talking about because I don't think your issue was anything close to what is going on with redhot's soon to be ex-husband.

Not all of it. It was difficult to follow.

Yes, it did interfere with my life. I couldn't work. I would search all day for the answers to my questions "Am I really saved?" etc. It wasn't as bad as searching for filth at work, but the result was the same. My work suffered. A lot. My relationship with my wife suffered.

My intention is not to make redhot feel guilty. That is the last thing I want to do. She is a victim. I don't know about the entire situation. I was saying that porn/sex addiction is deeper than "I want to look at hot girls/guys whatever". Any guy addicted to porn is a victim, the women involved in porn are victims. The wives of addicts are victims. And the solution is not condemnation and ganging up against someone for having committed sins. I needed someone to talk to, who wouldn't judge me for things I already knew were wrong. I knew I was sinning. I needed help understanding why I kept going back to stuff I hated, knew was hurting me and knew was hurting my wife. And her husband needs that too. Maybe he won't accept it from her, but someone needs to help him.

It might come as a surprise to some to think that God actually loves her husband.

And it wouldn't come as a surprise to me if at least half of the men on this forum were addicted to pornography in some way or another.

[Shoes]

NotUnderLaw Wrote:And it wouldn't come as a surprise to me if at least half of the men on this forum were addicted to pornography in some way or another.

i'd say that OVER 9000 people are addicted to pron

[JordanMaria]

(03-21-2012 07:05 PM)NotUnderLaw Wrote:  I hope I am not the first to say that your husband needs help, is probably deeply ashamed, doesn't know where to turn and needs grace not condemnation. If my wife had run out on me when she found out my problems, I think I'd be dead now. I don't mean to be heartless, but have you actually sat down and discussed these issues with your husband, or did you just blow up at him and condemn him. I was introduced to rubbish at age 14, and it stuck with me for years.

(03-22-2012 12:00 AM)NotUnderLaw Wrote:  And the solution is not condemnation and ganging up against someone for having committed sins.

The solution is also NOT NOT NOT telling a woman who found out her husband isn't the person she thought he was, that she needs to show "grace" and not "condemnation". Are you freaking KIDDING me?!? I think you need to reevaluate your fundy response to someone who has been hurt. If I was molested by an uncle, would you tell me he "needs grace" and that I need not to condemn him??? I should hope not! Yes, the hurt is different, but it's still hurt. A person needs to be allowed to go through the normal stages of grief and anger. Her husband made his choices. Now he has to deal with the consequences.

Just because your wife didn't throw you out on your ass, doesn't mean she has to do the same. There are limits to what each individual can handle and accept. Your situation, no matter how similar, is NOT her situation.

I get all stabby when people tell others they need to show "grace" to those who hurt them.