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~~Persnickety Polecat~~ · 03-18-2012, 08:50 AM

(03-17-2012 07:48 PM)Harry Seaward Wrote:
(03-17-2012 06:37 PM)Persnickety Polecat Wrote: Link, please.

As you wish...

Quote:a porn addiction is denigrating to her and the children both.

Quote:I personally would not feel an ounce of guilt "for the kids' sake" for leaving my husband over a porn addiction

Quote: If a man or woman is substituting porn for sex and ignoring the needs of his or her partner , imo, that is cheating.

Interesting that in every one of those quotes from ME, you highlighted only the word "porn" and ignored the word immediately following -- addiction. I fixed it for you, though, because there's a huge difference in recreational porn use and PORN ADDICTION. Smile

And you'll notice in the final quote, I qualified it. So ... yeah. Your point was not made at all. Try again. You're here not to have a civil discourse but to stir up strife and discord.

**Sharon** · 03-18-2012, 10:25 AM

(03-17-2012 07:48 PM)Harry Seaward Wrote:
(03-17-2012 06:37 PM)Persnickety Polecat Wrote: Link, please.

As you wish...

Quote:a porn addiction is denigrating to her and the children both.

Quote:I personally would not feel an ounce of guilt "for the kids' sake" for leaving my husband over a porn addiction

Quote:I'm simply saying that porn and/or affairs are equally incredibly damaging and take a mountain of work to overcome.

Quote:It really sucks that a man is supposed to get away with stealing thousands of dollars of family funds to fuel his porn addiction while treating his wife like crap just because he has a penis.

Quote:In my opinion, porn or an affair...BOTH are destructive to a marriage.

Quote:My first marriage failed due in large part to my ex husband's taste in porn.

Quote:If a man or woman is substituting porn for sex and ignoring the needs of his or her partner, imo, that is cheating.

Quote:the relationship was broken two years ago by the husband. For two years he has refused to confront his wife, settle their differences, and instead has engaged in deception and destructive behaviors.

Quote:The result of a 3 month affair may be more immediately apparent, but the effects of 3 months of porn are just as damaging.

By lifting a single sentence from the post I made, and removing it from its context, you have misrepresented me, and I am disappointed in your "debate" skills.

lucrezaborgia · 03-18-2012, 04:19 PM

Oh look quote mining, how original!

lucrezaborgia · 03-18-2012, 04:29 PM

Also, how the fuck did this turn into a porn debate?

This dude spent THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS on activities that had nothing to do with his marriage and all about filling some sort of hole in his soul. It seems obvious to me that he didn't give a flying fuck about his wife and was staying married for some weird reason, probably guilt over how sinful divorce is. It does not matter what your views on porn are at this point.

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Harry Seaward · 03-18-2012, 10:18 PM

(03-18-2012 08:50 AM)Persnickety Polecat Wrote: You're here not to have a civil discourse but to stir up strife and discord.

Yes, I'm the one. The guy advocating that couples should try to work through their differences out is being accused of promoting discord.

Unbelievable....

lucrezaborgia · 03-18-2012, 10:40 PM

(03-18-2012 10:18 PM)Harry Seaward Wrote:
(03-18-2012 08:50 AM)Persnickety Polecat Wrote: You're here not to have a civil discourse but to stir up strife and discord.

Yes, I'm the one. The guy advocating that couples should try to work through their differences out is being accused of promoting discord.

Unbelievable....

People tend to get that impression when you harp over and over your POV and insist that no, everyone else has it wrong and you are totally right. It would be one thing if this were an issue where we all had somewhat concrete facts, but we don't. Should couples work out differences? Sure! However, no one is obligated to do so and to insist in this forum in this specific thread to do so is quite insulting and smacks of someone who still lives in Fundyland.

At the end of the day, the OP's husband has spent years living a secret life and spending THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars to support it. That isn't the kind of issue that can change with a bit of therapy and hand-holding. In fact, divorcing him just might be the kick in the ass he needs to straighten his life out. In the meantime, the OP can get on with her life. Maybe one day they will reconnect, maybe not. In the time she's decided to divorce, he hasn't done jack shit to change and everyone around her is telling her she is selfish for divorcing because that's just not done in Fundyland.

Seriously, WTF did you think people would say to you? Have you read the blog at all? Have you read any of the other forum posts and how people in Fundyland treat women who wants to divorce? If you want to debate the merits of staying verses leaving, don't do it in a thread where a woman is already being guilted to hell and back over divorce.

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Harry Seaward · 03-18-2012, 11:03 PM

(03-18-2012 04:29 PM)lucrezaborgia Wrote: Also, how the fuck did this turn into a porn debate?

This dude spent THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS on activities that had nothing to do with his marriage and all about filling some sort of hole in his soul. It seems obvious to me that he didn't give a flying fuck about his wife and was staying married for some weird reason, probably guilt over how sinful divorce is. It does not matter what your views on porn are at this point.

The part you and everyone else seem to be missing is that I stopped talking about the "dude" after my first post on Redhot's situation. The relevance of her situation ended FOR ME when I found out there were no kids involved. Apparently everyone else felt it necessary to carry the torch for her cause, although I'm not sure why because several times I made it clear (including my very first post in this thread) that I didn't care what she did and what I had to say was not intended to be directed at her or her situation. I now realize that when people kept talking about "porn" they were still talking about the porn the "dude" was engaging in. Since I had made it clear I had moved on, I failed to realize that my comments were still being interpreted as being directed at Redhot. I guess people didn't take me seriously when I said I was not talking about her situation, I don't know. What more could I have done to make myself clear?

So for the last time - Redhot, I honestly don't care what you do. I'm very sorry if you took my comments to be judgmental toward your situation. They were not intended to be. I know you're going through a difficult time and I certainly have no desire in piling any more guilt and bad feelings onto what you're going through. I'm definitely ornery at times, but I would never kick a person when they are down. I sincerely apologize and hope you can see that this was a misunderstanding. If it was my insensitivity that caused the misunderstanding, I will own that and ask that you forgive me.

lucrezaborgia · 03-18-2012, 11:07 PM

I think people kept taking you to task because you said that the rules for divorce should be different if children are involved. At the same time, you kept saying that we should be more forgiving of spouses and be willing to help them work through their issues which I and I'm sure others agree here, to a point. Porn is a big issue for some people here so you will definitely get some people fired up about it.

Harry Seaward · 03-18-2012, 11:13 PM

(03-18-2012 10:40 PM)lucrezaborgia Wrote:
(03-18-2012 10:18 PM)Harry Seaward Wrote: Yes, I'm the one. The guy advocating that couples should try to work through their differences out is being accused of promoting discord.

Unbelievable....

People tend to get that impression when you harp over and over your POV and insist that no, everyone else has it wrong and you are totally right. It would be one thing if this were an issue where we all had somewhat concrete facts, but we don't. Should couples work out differences? Sure! However, no one is obligated to do so and to insist in this forum in this specific thread to do so is quite insulting and smacks of someone who still lives in Fundyland.

At the end of the day, the OP's husband has spent years living a secret life and spending THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars to support it. That isn't the kind of issue that can change with a bit of therapy and hand-holding. In fact, divorcing him just might be the kick in the ass he needs to straighten his life out. In the meantime, the OP can get on with her life. Maybe one day they will reconnect, maybe not. In the time she's decided to divorce, he hasn't done jack shit to change and everyone around her is telling her she is selfish for divorcing because that's just not done in Fundyland.

Seriously, WTF did you think people would say to you? Have you read the blog at all? Have you read any of the other forum posts and how people in Fundyland treat women who wants to divorce? If you want to debate the merits of staying verses leaving, don't do it in a thread where a woman is already being guilted to hell and back over divorce.

Points taken, but please understand my "harping" was not because I believed Redhot was doing something wrong and I had all the answers. I now realize that everyone ignored my proclamations that I wasn't talking about her situation, but before I realized that, I thought people just weren't getting where I was coming from which is why I felt I needed to keep trying to further clarify my points.

Harry Seaward · (This post was last modified: 03-18-2012 11:47 PM by Harry Seaward.)

(03-18-2012 11:07 PM)lucrezaborgia Wrote: I think people kept taking you to task because you said that the rules for divorce should be different if children are involved. At the same time, you kept saying that we should be more forgiving of spouses and be willing to help them work through their issues which I and I'm sure others agree here, to a point. Porn is a big issue for some people here so you will definitely get some people fired up about it.

I didn't say we should be forgiving, but I think some understanding is absolutely in order if a person has a disease that requires treatment to overcome. And I don't think understanding means always sticking by that person no matter what, either. Alcoholism can be a horrible condition for the rest of the family to deal with, and if the person refuses to do something about it, the family has to get out. They should also realize, however, that the person they experienced was heavily (if not completely) influenced by a disease that, were it not present, would have created a completely different experience of that person. i.e. "So and so wasn't a bad person. They were sick and their sickness made them act in a way that was not really who they were supposed to be. Their actions were not safe for you so we had to get away from them until they get better."

Edit: Of course it's possible the person doesn't have a disease and is just an idiot that doesn't really care about anyone else. This should be pretty easy to suss out, though, and there's not much anyone can do about it so there's no real debate to be had in this case. Cut your losses, learn whatever lesson you're supposed to learn from the situation and move on.