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Ricardo · 03-12-2012, 08:58 PM

You can screw up in your studies, you can screw up in your career, you can screw up with your friends, you can screw up with your enemies.

Admit you screwed up, ask forgiveness -if appropriate, make amends as possible, and move on. No problem.

But if you screw up with your marriage, or if your spouse ends up being a total louse, God wants you to have a completely miserable life, He (in this case God is definitely a He,) wants to punish your kids to a terrible life. No life in abundance for you. No joy, peace, love patience for your family. By order of God.

Jeremy · 03-12-2012, 09:05 PM

(03-12-2012 12:00 PM)Sharon Wrote: And, I'm sorry, but it's your fault for being too pretty? That is insane. Stop listening to your crazy sister. (ok now I'm done.)

The #@$%'d up thing about all this is most guys would use the OPPOSITE argument, namely, "my wife isn't attractive enough so I have to get my kicks elsewhere." The dude's argument is a new level of bullshit. Seriously, if you're insecure because a beautiful woman fell for you, your insecurity is beyond cure. And that's not her fault.

Ricardo · 03-12-2012, 09:22 PM

You know, the worst part is, you can get all the porn you want for free. AND, Planet Fitness is only $10/month.

So there: two more reasons to divorce the bastard.

**redhot** · 03-14-2012, 09:39 AM

I appreciate everybody's support for my situation. I'm new to posting on this forum, and I hope this doesn't become just a thread about me, cuz I'm sure that wasn't the original intent. (sorry to the original post Smile

Since I haven't figured out how to highlight specific portions of replies to comment on, I'll just quickly address two comments: My brother said the same thing about the porn: Why pay when you can get it for free? However, he was in live chat rooms: pick a girl, hair color, boob size, shaving/piercing preferences, toys, etc., and she'll perform. Guess you can't get that for free. And I have contacted a lawyer about protecting my assests, but he said that he can prove an emotionally distressing environment, which would "allow" me to leave. I hope he's right.
And to everyone who says it's always the wife's fault: yes, I have encountered this since the beginning. My sister in law says I should consider the beam in my eye before judging him for the mote in his. If I prayerfully ask God to show me how I drove my husband away, God will reveal to me how to mend this.
Again, thanks for the support. Nice to hear from others who have experienced the same things.

**redhot** · 03-14-2012, 09:44 AM

And to Ricardo: I'm used to FB: I keep trying to "like" your posts. I have said the exact same thing: that Baptists will forgive anything except divorce. That is the unpardonable sin.

~~Persnickety Polecat~~ · 03-14-2012, 11:46 AM

(03-14-2012 09:39 AM)redhot Wrote: I appreciate everybody's support for my situation. I'm new to posting on this forum, and I hope this doesn't become just a thread about me, cuz I'm sure that wasn't the original intent. (sorry to the original post Since I haven't figured out how to highlight specific portions of replies to comment on, I'll just quickly address two comments: My brother said the same thing about the porn: Why pay when you can get it for free? However, he was in live chat rooms: pick a girl, hair color, boob size, shaving/piercing preferences, toys, etc., and she'll perform. Guess you can't get that for free. And I have contacted a lawyer about protecting my assests, but he said that he can prove an emotionally distressing environment, which would "allow" me to leave. I hope he's right.
And to everyone who says it's always the wife's fault: yes, I have encountered this since the beginning. My sister in law says I should consider the beam in my eye before judging him for the mote in his. If I prayerfully ask God to show me how I drove my husband away, God will reveal to me how to mend this.
Again, thanks for the support. Nice to hear from others who have experienced the same things.

That's making the ENORMOUS assumption that you would WANT to mend it. Not everyone -- or even most people -- would.

And while I can agree that it takes two people to build a marriage and two people to break it down, I do NOT agree that you are responsible for HIS failures and wrongdoing. That's absurd.

My husband was unfaithful to me years ago after the birth of my third child. I was suffering from severe PPD. I withdrew into myself. He felt ignored, and when a 19 yo nurse (wth -- 19???) started fawning all over him, he ate it up. Bottom line: I may have contributed to the breakdown of our relationship, but HIS choices and actions were ALL his own. I could have used my husband's support, and he was utterly selfish and cruel to use my most vulnerable moment as an excuse to have an affair.

~~Persnickety Polecat~~ · (This post was last modified: 03-14-2012 12:03 PM by Persnickety Polecat.)

(03-12-2012 09:05 PM)Jeremy Wrote:
(03-12-2012 12:00 PM)Sharon Wrote: And, I'm sorry, but it's your fault for being too pretty? That is insane. Stop listening to your crazy sister. (ok now I'm done.)

The #@$%'d up thing about all this is most guys would use the OPPOSITE argument, namely, "my wife isn't attractive enough so I have to get my kicks elsewhere." The dude's argument is a new level of bullshit. Seriously, if you're insecure because a beautiful woman fell for you, your insecurity is beyond cure. And that's not her fault.

Hate to say it, but a lot of men "cheat down." People aren't cheating because of someone's physical appearance or lack thereof. They have all kinds of reasons for cheating -- whether it's because of a lack in the relationship of a lack in character. It's silly to continuously judge a woman by her looks, and by saying a woman is too pretty to cheat on or too pretty to be faithful to (and sorry -- but this kind of porn issue is imo cheating) is saying exactly that -- that the op is only the sum of her appearance -- well, it's bull. My last sentence got away from me, Stephenie Meyer's style. I hope someone can figure it out.

As for being insecure over having a beautiful woman falling for you? You bet. You then spend the rest of the relationship freaking the heck out that she's going to leave you for someone else.

Ricardo · 03-14-2012, 12:47 PM

(03-14-2012 09:44 AM)redhot Wrote: And to Ricardo: I'm used to FB: I keep trying to "like" your posts. I have said the exact same thing: that Baptists will forgive anything except divorce. That is the unpardonable sin.

The equivalent of "like" here is the button net to FIND. (reputation.)

Harry Seaward · 03-15-2012, 11:43 PM

Redhot, first let me say that I'm not coming from a "divorce is a sin" angle (I'm agnostic). Next, if you don't have any kids, stop reading now and do whatever you want.

If you do have kids, though, you really need to consider if splitting your family up over this is the right thing to do.

It sounds like your husband has a sex addiction and possibly OCD. Have either of you considered getting him into a recovery program? SA is free, a great place for him to identify as a sex addict (if in fact he is) and may end up being all he needs to get his life back on track.

Of course, he may be doing these things because he's checked out of the relationship, in which case there's not much you can do. But what if he wants to make it work? What would it take for him to earn your trust back? Is there a reason you wouldn't give him another chance? If he won't change, then of course he's going to be a bad influence on the kids, but if he is willing to try, you owe it to your kids to let him.

**redhot** · 03-16-2012, 08:01 AM

(03-15-2012 11:43 PM)Harry Seaward Wrote: Redhot, first let me say that I'm not coming from a "divorce is a sin" angle (I'm agnostic). Next, if you don't have any kids, stop reading now and do whatever you want.

If you do have kids, though, you really need to consider if splitting your family up over this is the right thing to do.

It sounds like your husband has a sex addiction and possibly OCD. Have either of you considered getting him into a recovery program? SA is free, a great place for him to identify as a sex addict (if in fact he is) and may end up being all he needs to get his life back on track.

Of course, he may be doing these things because he's checked out of the relationship, in which case there's not much you can do. But what if he wants to make it work? What would it take for him to earn your trust back? Is there a reason you wouldn't give him another chance? If he won't change, then of course he's going to be a bad influence on the kids, but if he is willing to try, you owe it to your kids to let him.

I do not have children.
He has made numerous irresponsible decisions about finances in the past, and when I pulled a credit report in January, I found $21,000 in credit card debt for gyms, porn, electronics, clothes, etc., in the past 18 months. He also took out $25,000 student loan, after telling me that his company was paying for his education. The night before I left, I came home to find vomit all over my house, and he was passed out. Come to find out, he had stopped at a bar on the way home and got drunk, to "make him feel better since it was the anniversary of his grandma's death." When I left the house for a few days to "clear my head", he told his family and the church that I left him "while he was sick" (drunk) and "there is $4,000 in debt, which she (me) put on there for groceries, gas, etc." He conveniently forgot to mention the porn, personal trainer, etc. (PS: I don't use credit cards... ever)
He says he wants me back, yet when I pulled a credit report last week, there are $3,000 more in charges since January. And my girls basketball team saw him out to dinner last week with a single woman from our church. Of course, the pastor does not see this as a problem, as they are "old friends". (again, I believe this is a double standard cuz it would have hit the fan if I had been out with a guy). He also told his lawyer that the credit card debt is mutual and I should pay for half.
It's only been 9 weeks, and I'm still really sensitive. I feel like I'm always having to defend myself to ... whoever... for not giving him a chance. IMHO using phrases like "sex addict" as an excuse for poor choices is a cop out. And since I feel like I have to defend myself, let me just say that I would beg him to have sex with me and he turned me down. Of course, now I know why.
To "earn my trust back" maybe he should start by cutting up his credit cards and telling the truth.
Again, sorry everybody to make this thread all about me.