Permission to date?

[dk1970]

My dad's rules for dating were that we could date at the age of 16, if he approved of the guy/girl. The problem with that was, everytime a guy asked me out, I'd have to tell him that he'd have to ask my dad.

My dad said no on various occasions because...

1. The guy's dad was a democrat
2. The guy's dad (Vietnam vet who was loopy) didn't hold a regular job and his mom was "too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good" -- as in she was more like Mary than Martha.
3. The guy was younger than me -- "God made Adam before he made Eve"
4. The guy went to BJ -- which was considered a liberal school by my dad.

The only guy my dad ever approved of was one that I was not at all interested in.

Anybody else have to get permission to date?

[Jordan M. Poss]

(01-22-2011 10:51 PM)dk1970 Wrote:  Anybody else have to get permission to date?

That's never really been an issue for me. I did ask my first girlfriend's dad for permission--after asking her if I should as a matter of form. My second girlfriend was estranged from her family but I did make an effort to be nice to them when we met. That's as much experience as I have with the phenomenon, although if we're discussing lame reasons we haven't gotten to date people, I was recently shot down because I'm not a Calvinist.

[Don]

I have a daughter old enough to think she is old enough to date.
I think I'll adopt this approach:

[Elijah Craig]

"Permission to date" is a quaint idea that does have ois virtues. However, in the hands of the wrong man it can turn into a nightmare.

[pastor's wife]

As a teen I didn't even know any Christian guys between the ages of 12-25 (not that I would have dated anyone that old, but there just weren't a lot of people in our church!) There were guys at the weekend teen retreats at our local GARBC camp (I was usually the only one from my church who'd go), and I was too shy to try to meet any guys. So I never dated until I went to BJU and never had to get parental permission.

[Jordan M. Poss]

(01-23-2011 03:09 AM)Elijah Craig Wrote:  "Permission to date" is a quaint idea that does have ois virtues. However, in the hands of the wrong man it can turn into a nightmare.

I agree, though I stop short of calling it "quaint." Fathers--or parents generally--are supposed to protect their children, and screening potential dates is an important aspect of that role as protector. I have been amazed at how often mere "hunches" that a new boyfriend or girlfriend isn't good have turned out to be 100% accurate. And of course some people are going to abuse the role of protector, but, well, that's life. It doesn't rob the tradition of its legitimacy.

[Tony Mel]

(01-22-2011 10:51 PM)dk1970 Wrote:  Anybody else have to get permission to date?

I did, last year. I will not do something like this again.

[Naomi]

(01-23-2011 03:09 AM)Elijah Craig Wrote:  However, in the hands of the wrong man it can turn into a nightmare.

I understand your meaning, but I think a better approach all-around is to have parents/guardians involved enough in their children's lives (without being controlling) that children feel comfortable asking for advice, knowing that their opinions on who they want to date will be taken seriously. If children are old enough to date, and parents don't trust them to make reasonably (age-appropriate) healthy and informed choices in the process, there's a problem with the parents' approach.

Also, why wouldn't this be the involvement of both parents? Unless you're talking about a gay couple? Mothers should be equally involved in dating advice. I guess I'm uncomfortable with your statement above, and here's why: If a system is giving power (without recourse) to one person who could be abusive, there's a problem with that system. It shouldn't depend on a father not being abusive.

I didn't get permission to date because by the time I actually started a relationship, I was an adult. The lack of dating before that is a whole other issue.

[dk1970]

I don't think it was so much the permission to date that bothered me as the reasonings behind the "no's". Incidentally, all four of the guys in my first post are still very active IFBers. Two even pastor. If I had dated and married any of them, my father would now be extremely proud of the man I had married. And...I am so thrilled that I didn't end up with any of them. Funny how that works.

[Elijah Craig]

(01-23-2011 09:18 AM)Jordan M. Poss Wrote:  

(01-23-2011 03:09 AM)Elijah Craig Wrote:  "Permission to date" is a quaint idea that does have ois virtues. However, in the hands of the wrong man it can turn into a nightmare.

I agree, though I stop short of calling it "quaint." Fathers--or parents generally--are supposed to protect their children, and screening potential dates is an important aspect of that role as protector. I have been amazed at how often mere "hunches" that a new boyfriend or girlfriend isn't good have turned out to be 100% accurate. And of course some people are going to abuse the role of protector, but, well, that's life. It doesn't rob the tradition of its legitimacy.

I called it quaint because it's uncommon in this day. Two or three generations ago it was the norm. It's an old fashioned way of doing things that's a little obsolete given the way our society and economy have changed. Once young women are grown up, through college, and living in another city and paying their own bills it is unreasonable for a man to have to get permission to date them. Really, even when they're in college in another state they it's not feasible to require a man to ask permission. So I think the custom has died out.