What's up with all the teen drug use and pregnancies in fundy churches?

[Papa Bear]

(11-11-2011 01:06 PM)DaisyDeadhead Wrote:  When I found her room empty and the window open in the dead of night, I dragged my then-16-year-old daughter to the doctor, POSTHASTE. Feminism took over and Catholicism went on the back burner. IMMEDIATELY.

NO BABIES. We were obviously way past the point of arguing. I had one thing on my mind: No. Babies. No. Abortions. No.

Consequently, she didn't have children until she was married. I take full credit for being sensible at a time that I was near-hysterical over her behavior.

But see, that gave her time... she came out of it, eventually. She didn't need the further "punishment" of unwed motherhood, and I saw that clearly.

I think many fundie parents will not do damage control. Not sure why. Admitting failure? Against the dogma? I dunno, but I remember several people tsk-tsked to me, about the birth control pills, and their kids all had babies since.

I did right, in a time of trial, and I think not being fundie, made it a clear choice for me in ways that being a fundie prohibits.

If that makes sense?

So you put her on bc, I take it, to buy some time to deal with the situation. I can respect that. OTOH, I've known parents who held positions of authority in the church who knew their kids were having sex, so they provided the kids with birth control so they could go on pretending their kids weren't having sex. The kids learned that they could have all the sex they wanted, with no commitment or consequences, as long as they didn't embarrass their parents by making a baby. It was all about the parents' reputation. (Of course, if bc failed, it was all the kids' fault.)

[bean]

It's hard for anybody when kids make poor choices. My oldest is 20 and he's a great kid but has found himself on the edge of getting into trouble a couple of times. Found out today he got a ticket for open container last weekend. There's worse things he could be involved with, I know. But right now I'm beating myself up for the dumb things he chooses to do.
He lives in a frat house where marijuana is apparently being used by some members. A few were busted this week. He had quite a scare..he had done nothing but it worries me that he lives in that setting. (Pretty sure if he was full of b.s. he would have been booked or cited and he got neither.)
You just want to get his attention and let him know that dumb mistakes at 20 can be with a person for a long time.
He's a good kid and doesn't lie, cheat, or steal. I thought being a parent would get easier and it's really hard to not over-react to some of this. Ideas?

[Monipenny]

(11-11-2011 06:14 PM)bean Wrote:  It's hard for anybody when kids make poor choices. My oldest is 20 and he's a great kid but has found himself on the edge of getting into trouble a couple of times. Found out today he got a ticket for open container last weekend. There's worse things he could be involved with, I know. But right now I'm beating myself up for the dumb things he chooses to do.
He lives in a frat house where marijuana is apparently being used by some members. A few were busted this week. He had quite a scare..he had done nothing but it worries me that he lives in that setting. (Pretty sure if he was full of b.s. he would have been booked or cited and he got neither.)
You just want to get his attention and let him know that dumb mistakes at 20 can be with a person for a long time.
He's a good kid and doesn't lie, cheat, or steal. I thought being a parent would get easier and it's really hard to not over-react to some of this. Ideas?

I told my kids that there are two things that will be very important to them for life, 1. living in a home (if you're renting) and 2. a job and most landlords and employers do background checks, you don't want to screw that up and have a record that will make life that much harder on you.

Being a landlord, my kids knew I wasn't kidding as they have seen me turn away applicants left and right for things on their record. Must have worked, all 4 have clean records.

[elfdream]

There are all kinds of reason for beginning the descent into drugs and alcohol but one of the reason they stay there is because it masks the PAIN. There is something going on in their lives that causes them to have feelings they don't want to have. Something hurts and they would rather feel numb.

[Persnickety Polecat]

(11-11-2011 08:30 AM)notreallyfundy Wrote:  I've noticed that most of the kids who have grown up in my church (the ones whose families were involved in everything, the "core of the church" type people) have been involved in drug use and drug dealing, alcohol abuse (drunken driving arrests/accidents), pre-marital sex (many babies born to unwed teens/20somethings), and criminal activity such as stealing, breaking and entering, etc.

I've also noticed that the kids who grew up in families that weren't necessarily the "core of the church" but went to church most Sundays and were much more moderate on all things fundy, managed to get through adolescence without getting into too much trouble and without criminal records.

Have any of you noticed this as a trend in your churches?

Why do you think this is? Is it because the ultra strict homes likely place an emphasis on rules and the externals and neglect the condition of the heart, so these kids aren't saved to begin with? Or are the parents too busy with things of the church to really pay attention and parent their children? These kids seem to put on a great facade in the church, but their lives outside the church are much worse than many so called unsaved and "worldly" people that I know.

I should add that my church is fundy but not as extreme as many of the churches mentioned on this site--there are rules for ministry workers and dress codes for activities, KJVO, no drums, etc... but the pastor doesn't get involved in anyone's personal life or dictate what members do on their own time.

Sounds much like my church - KJV, rules regarding ministry workers on Sunday (they need to dress up), and I also think those who hold positions of leadership need to sign a statement of faith (won't swear to it -- I'm not in a leadership position), but our pastor has never been the screaming/frothing kind, nor does he get all up in our business.

That said: We've not had too many problems with our teens -- could be luck or something else. I've gone there for 20+ years, and we've never had a big problem.

My observation of teens who get into a LOT of trouble is that they tend to be searching for something. Something is missing in their lives. It doesn't necessarily mean their parents messed up (although it can), but most of the time, a kid who is into drugs and abuses (mind you I say abuses, not uses) alcohol is self-medicating, not "just" partying.

[Persnickety Polecat]

(11-11-2011 11:51 AM)Scorpio Wrote:  I think part of it is the "forbidden fruit" syndrome. Tell someone they can't do something or have something, and they want it all the more. The kids of the "hard-core" fundys have been told their whole life about how bad and evil EVERYTHING outside of church is.
Then, when they get to a certain age, curiosity creeps in. And they try something on the forbidden list (like a beer or kissing someone etc.) and realize that they didn't immediately burn up in an eternal flame. And then they go off the deep end.
There is no balanced approach of instilling into children WHY something may not be good for them. It's part of the black/white thinking of fundies.

I completely agree with this.

[Natalie]

(11-11-2011 08:37 AM)Presbygirl Wrote:  IMO, the extreme focus on externals, combined with negligent parenting...

That's the answer right there.

[Elijah Craig]

It is very normal for teenagers to rebel. It's part of forming one's own identity. Fundagelical kids are often a few years behind their peers in development, and so some of the rebellion happens in college instead or even after college. The more controlling the environment, the stronger the rebellion seems to be.

There's also a desire to fit in with one's peers. Preacher's kids that I've spoken to have said that they always went the extra mile to prove to their peers they weren't "goody two-shoes."

Also, some of these kids are acting out to get their revenge on their parents, and perhaps to cry out for attention.

We always want to spiritualize matters but many times basic psychology answers it better.

[zeusTHEgoose]

What always frustrated me the most was shunning the people who did drugs or had sex. Wouldn't the correct response be the opposite, you know, helping out? Teenage girl has a baby doesn't know a thing about raising a child and the response is to kick her and her family out of the church? Boy sniffs glue like they're roses from Eden so the response is to close the doors where his friends and family are? Fundy logic

[Tiarali]

Yet they'd honestly believe they were helping - because if they continued relationship, they are somehow condoning the behaviour that caused the consequences, and be perpetuating the situation.

When you're in fundyland your idea of right and wrong is completely skewed.