Glad I'm out!

[FmrMarine]

Welcome!
It is interesting to me that you have explored so many avenues but you haven't mentioned returning to your roots. Did you ever think maybe your parents had it right?

[Alaskagirl85]

Dude- thank you for the book recommendations with links! I'll check them out. I really like to read about different spiritual groups.

Donb123- Aren't many mainline protestant denominations kind of dying out? My grandma has been in various high ranking roles in the Presbyterian Church USA, and has been lamenting for some time that everyone is fleeing to the charismatic or evangelical churches, or just out of church altogether.

FmrMarine- I don't think I have ever been an athiest. I can't remember a time I didn't believe in "God" even before I had a word for it. I have considered that maybe my parents are right, especially after reading a lot of Carl Sagan. Sometimes I think it's a matter of semantics. I have experienced some profound moments of peace in my soul while being out in nature, which to me have been spiritual experiences where I have felt connected to all, and loved by the universe. I'm sure my parents have had moments like these too, but they'd probably say the feelings come from various brain chemicals, as opposed to a connection to something divine and eternal. I've had other personal experiences with dreams, visions, healing and really direct answers to prayers. I feel that I've met Jesus and he's changed my life. I also feel like I've met Krishna and he's changed my life. I have a hard time relying on what I choose to believe intellectually, because it seems to change so often. I trust more in my experiences, but even those, who knows? Maybe I have a chemical imbalance, or my brain is wired strangely. Like most everyone, I'm seeking peace and happiness. I find it in spiritual practice. Maybe that makes it self serving. Maybe people did invent God/gods to help them find peace and happiness, and to give order to the chaos. At this point I'm not really sure. There is this saying that 'the finger pointing to the moon is not moon'... which to me made sense in terms of religions, that they are all pointing to God, but that if God is God, He's going to be a lot bigger than our imaginations, images, theology or human attributes we assign to Him... but that maybe through images and theological systems we can know him better. But it's also possible that there is no moon, and all the fingers are pointing at nothing. I feel unable to abandon the spiritual path altogether at this point because I feel this insatiable desire to learn and experience more of God. If I am wrong and there is no God, I'm ok with that too, because feeling like the Universe or God is watching me and loving me has made my life better. My glimpses at the eternal/divine have made my life worth living, and I want more of them. And if there is a God, and He loves me, I want to love Him and serve Him. Even intellectual excercises like getting my Biblical Studies degree were really spiritually fulfilling to me. How's that for a long answer to a short question?

Also, after reading that 'the finger pointing at the moon is not the moon' saying, and being in awe, I explained my understanding of it to my husband, and he said, "the finger pointing at the moon isn't the moon? well, duh." Obviously what is some great insight to my mind will not be seen that way by others.

Re-reading what I've written here, I sound all kinds of new-age and narcissistic. I'm just having trouble putting my thoughts into words.