How do you choose a new church?

[Tiarali]

Alright, I left the IFB about six months ago, although the trouble started last November. Started attending church again about three months ago. To start with we went to a Salvation Army church. My reasoning was; I'd just split from my husband and been treated badly by the IFB, and figured the Salvos would at least look after us.

They were very nice, but there weren't a lot of people there - coming out of IFB I don't have many friends so I needed a place with some people around my age. There also weren't a lot of things for kids. In the end, they were lovely people but it just didn't feel right.

Went to a charismatic church cause a friend dragged me there for a ladies' conference - just went to one evening service. I've been going to a mother's group during the week since. There are some things I don't like about this church. I'm not comfortable with the tongues (and there was a healing service once but it's not all the time) and they teach on tithing which really, really bugs me.

But I love the music and there is a focus on Jesus loving me and grace and things that I really feel I need to focus on right now. There are some kids activities and social activities for adults, some with babysitting provided, some I need to sort it out. The people seem very nice.

I'm at the point of thinking there is no perfect church. I will disagree with every church on something probably and I just need to find a place I can grow and feel accepted. I'm happy to attend a church I have some differences with, but I'm worried that I will be kept a second class citizen because I do, if that makes sense. I haven't heard anything at this church which would make me feel that; just I know I wouldn't be able to serve at my last church if I was openly defying them (I didn't join the church because I knew I wouldn't stop listening to secular music). I know the message at this church is - well at the moment there is a focus on some things I need to hear, at least while I am healing.

The kids and I spent last night at an IFB friend's place and it left me very mad, vulnerable, hurting. I had to listen to a lot about how the Pastor's done nothing wrong, it's all my fault (it would be magically fixed if I had gone to the Pastor myself and talked to him - I am NOT going to put myself in the vulnerable position of being alone in a room with an IFB pastor thank you very much! I gave him a four page letter in which I poured my heart out and he did nothing, so I can safely assume he intends to do nothing!!!) Anyway, I came away feeling as though all people will cause so much hurt they just aren't worth the effort.

Which kind of sucks because I'd thought I'd started to heal but I guess I haven't. Or at least I haven't gone far. And I think now I'm back to square one. Or negative.

I can't fill my social needs on the internet. I need to find some irl friends who love God - not people who are going to keep pushing me away from Him. I'm a single mum of five with two small ones not at school yet and I'm studying part time (but externally) so outside of a church I really don't have many options for social activities.

I'm just so messed up right now and I don't know what to do. I'm scared of continuing at this new church (new term starts next week which means they start small home groups and I'd love to join one!) and I'm pretty sure my last church is the only reason why

So - what did you guys all look for when you were looking for a church post-fundyland that wasn't going to trap you or just hurt you worse? Any wisdom out there?

Edit: I'm not sure I put this in the right place. If I didn't, I'm sorry. I put it here because I'm asking advice on finding a church. But I rambled. As I do. Sorry.

[Scorpio]

Maybe not joining or attending a church for awhile is an option. With your experience from the IFB still fresh in your mind, it might be hard to find a church that some part doesn't bring back bad memories. Taking a break and allowing you to get your mind straightened out from all the IFB nonsense may help you think more clearly when the time is right is pick a church.
I have read in some of the threads here that it is normal for someone to stay out of church for awhile after leaving the IFB.

[Tiarali]

That makes sense, but I seriously have cabin fever. I see NOBODY besides my children unless I see old IFB friends, and I can't handle it anymore.

[exOBCstudent]

I think I understand your post very well. My wife and I just left the IFB about 6 or more months ago and church hunting has been interesting indeed. One thing you don't want to do is jump from the "frying pan" into another "frying pan".

We took a few weeks off church for a while which really helped me clear my head and also to figure out what we wanted and didn't want in a church. We initially visited a dead non-denom church and it was def NOT the place we wanted to be.

Then the "pendulum" swung the other way and we visited a Baptist church in hopes it wouldn't be the same type we came from and sure enough the first greeter to shake my hand introduced their church as old-fashioned-IFB with pride in his tone that almost made me gag!

My wife loved the music there but after a couple weeks there I'd said enough. We finally found a place called Calvary Chapel, a non-denom church which isn't Charismatic and thus far seems very well balanced. They have P&W music mind you but the preaching makes me feel like I'm learning the Bible all over again!

They have a HUGE outreach ministry in the community doing things like feeding folks, special offerings for the needy, missions trips that actually SERVE people not just a "soulwinning endeavor". I'm so glad to finally be able to grow in grace without the garbage I was raised on.

Hopefully you'll find the same.

[laurat99]

Keep trying until you find a church that fits. It sounds like the Charasmatic church is a good resting place, but not a place to set down roots. Don't join or commit too quickly to anything. While many non-IBF churches say they don't have anything against divorced people, their actions may show differently. You might meet someone as you are church hopping that becomes that girlfriend you need, but her church isn't for you and your family.

Blessings to you.

[pastor's wife]

No church is going to be perfect. It's kind of like buying a house. You have a list in your head of things I absolutely MUST have and then a list of things I'd like. Then you look at houses and start finding out what's available and you have to decide which things are so important that you're willing to pass on something else. For example, I wanted an attached garage after seven years of lugging babies and groceries through the snow from the driveway, but when I found the house I'm in, the other positive aspects outweighed the lack of a garage. Do I still wish I had an attached garage? Yes, but I love the house overall so I'm willing to give up the garage part.

The benefits of a loving church family may outweigh an area in which a particular church might lack.

A big thing to consider would be if they love one another. Love can accept one another's differences. Also for some reason, we humans always harp on the thing that bugs us. If our toe hurts, that's all we notice even if the rest of us is fine. Even if we agree with 95% of a church's doctrine, often it's that 5% that keeps bugging us, that we want to keep talking about and picking apart. If there's an aspect of the church that you don't agree with (like healing maybe), but if they accept you even if that's not your thing, that can work out as long as you don't keep talking and talking about how you disagree with it. Sometimes minor issues become bigger issues because people just won't let them go. In other words, they wouldn't be the church for you if they were intolerant of you if you didn't believe every little jot and tittle that they do (like in the IFB), but you would be wrong if you couldn't overlook areas of difference and wanted to keep telling everyone how you don't agree with some area of doctrine.

And you may just need to visit and heal for a while but might want to wait to put down roots as laurat99 said.

[Jenni]

I agree with what PW said. And the others, actually. When I first moved to SF after leaving my fundy life behind, I was both amazed and terrified at the prospect of finding a church to attend. The church I ended up attending sounds a lot like exOBCstudent's church - very outreach-focused, lots of great worship, teaching that changed the way I view the Bible, etc. etc. It was completely different from my Fundy church, and I loved it.

I've moved again, and I have been doing the church search again. This time I had some different criteria for the church I wanted. I knew it would be impossible to find "the ideal church" - one that was a combination of what I had just left in SF and a few things I'd also like to see - but I also knew I could find a church that had the important things to me. The church I have found is again a different animal from my SF church, but I am truly glad to have found it. I'm already getting involved there and considering membership, but it would have been okay if I was still church hopping every Sunday or if I had decided to take a break from church to clear my head.

Hang in there, tiarali! Take your time and don't commit to anything too quickly. And I completely understand about being exFundy and feeling like you have no social connections anymore, and that the only way you can find them is through church. Is there a play group for your kids or a reading time at the local library or something you all can do? Now that I'm out from Fundyism, I have joined a book club and a bowling league and I'm volunteering at a local elementary school - all of these things are allowing me to meet people IRL who I can socialize with - and since they're not all Christians, I get to, like, be a testimony! What an idea! It's actually kind of amazing how many more people I know now that I'm out of fundyism. God made a whole lot of really amazing people, and I'm enjoying getting to know them.

[Tiarali]

Thank you all very much. I feel much calmer now. I will continue at this church for now but not dive in head first, I think. I'm not in any shape to take on any service anyway It would be nice to have a road map for the time ahead but I guess God has good reasons for not giving one to us.

Thank you.

[senda wales]

I totally understand, tiarali! I work from home every day of the week except for 2 of them. I'm not married or have a partner and while I do have friends, I can really only see them about once or twice a week. While I love the idea of not needing to ever be in a church or ever thinking about God, and while a lot of days I wonder if God is just a construct of the mind, the fact of the matter is that I still need God, in some way. I need a church and I need people to keep me grounded (and yes, SFL is awesome but it's still not RL). So I'm still looking.

I left my church at about the end of July. I've visited about 4 since then: a community church, a non-denominational (I assume), Presbysterian, and SBC (college/alum fellowship), but haven't found one to really commit to. The only one I loved was actually Jenni's (presumably non-denom) SF church (Jenni your old SF church ROX!!) but I am not going to pay bridge toll every Sunday just to attend church. The community church irked me a little when I attended with its message on sexual immorality and the congregation was a little too old. The Presbyterian church was cool, but I'm not sure I like liturgical style. I actually felt VERY comfortable in the SBC fellowship I found, but this was actually a bad thing because the things that made it comfortable were its fundy elements that I was used to. So even though I would have liked to have stuck around, I have not gone back.

It's really not for a lack of churches in my area that I haven't found one yet. (I live practically next to and across the street from 2, and there are more within a few blocks of me.) There are enough churches in my area to visit a new and totally different one every week of the year. I think part of it is suddenly having this newfound freedom to party with friends on the weekends, which means I'm not in much shape (even if it's just for a lack of sleep) to visit a church the next day. I'm also getting used to living on my own, which takes more time to manage when you're also working 60 hours/week than when I was living on my own in college. Oh yeah, and the 60 hour work week is killing me, so I'm exhausted all the time and end up sleeping in on Sundays and then needing to pay for sleeping in/partying/wasting time doing nothing by working throughout the rest of the weekend instead of church hopping. Which is stupid, because if there's anything that's going to keep me grounded outside of work, it is/should be church/God/people I meet there, so I should be trying to find something...

Yeah, I'm a mess. Sorry to derail your thread with MY rambling. Anyways, I'd say don't feel afraid to church hop and explore. You kind of miss out on sustaining relationships, but you've also got a great opportunity to really learn and observe a lot of different churches and worship styles. It helps to write out or think about what you want and don't want in a church, and what you think you are and aren't comfortable with. Are you comfortable with a moderately conservative church? Or do you want to visit something more liberal?

For me, I intend to visit a Unitarian church and a couple of other fairly contemporary churches, because I don't really know what I want and I'm trying to look for something as far away from fundyland without totally leaving Christianity. One of my main goals is to be deprogrammed of the IFB, and for me, that means visiting a church that is very much not IFB.

[Tony Mel]

I agree with the posters who have admitted that no church is perfect. I looked for a theologically sound, grace-centered church that had an extensive outreach program. After 6 months of looking, I found a good PCA church to attend for the time being. Sure, there are some issues I don't agree with, such as the majority of people being of the opposing political ideology, and the low number of minority groups represented (blacks, hispanics, etc.). But I have found Christ there.