Did any of your friendships survive leaving?

[senda wales]

After being AWOL from my fundy church for a few weeks, I just had my first talk with one of my closest fundy friends. While I didn't get into every little detail about my disagreements and why I'm leaving, I did cover a few of the general and major issues.

I said that I thought there were a few things that church should ultimately be about, such as helping you study your Bible, helping you understand your faith better, helping you grow as a Christian, and being a witness of Christ's love and salvation. I said that I thought fundamentalism tended to get really hung up over its standards at the expense of what mattered, and that these standards are flat-out wrong and not biblical. I said that this church is no longer helping me grow as a Christian and that I no longer fit in. I also described a few of the issues I had the most trouble with, such as dress standards. I said that I had been very, very reluctant to tell anyone that I was leaving because I didn't want people to judge me or look down on me or try to pray for me to come back.

I think my friend took it fairly well. She's a very, very committed fundy. She was more understanding than I thought she'd be. Then again, she's also heard from a lot of people who have come and gone, so I guess nothing I said was new to her.

She didn't outright fight me on what I'd decided. While she ultimately still stood by her fundy convictions, I don't think she looked poorly upon me for disagreeing. She did disagree that I generalized by saying that all or most fundies hold these standards. (Ah, the "we don't all believe the same thing" card.) She also expressed that people would be very sad to see me go and that people really loved me, they didn't just want to see me once every few months or whatever. I've been at this church for about 10 years, so I suppose even I am capable of developing a few friendships. She strongly encouraged me to let our pastor and at least a few of my closest fundy friends know that I'm leaving and why I'm leaving, for the friendship/relationship's sake.

Part of me is a bit cynical. Of course everyone has been asking about me. If you're missing for just 1 week people start asking. They always say they care. And they do - in their slightly judgmental, slightly twisted fundy way. A lot of your stories have confirmed to me that I'm not just paranoid or crazy for seeing an ulterior motive or judgmentalism behind their actions.

But part of me wonders if it really is possible to disagree to the extent that I do and still maintain friendships. Part of me wonders if people really would be as understanding as my friend was. I would love to maintain some of these friendships and connections. These friendships were the main reason I stayed in fundamentalism for so long. I also try not to burn bridges as much as possible. But I also just can't sit there boiling in anger and ready to self-destruct in church just to maintain them. I don't know if it's possible to maintain friendships with fundies when you don't attend their church and their church is the center of their lives. When agreement on things is part of the basis for their friendships. When much of their belief system demands separation.

I know here at SFL there's a lot of disappointment and heartbreak from friendships lost after leaving fundamentalism. I am curious to know if any of your fundy friendships survived, if there were things that you did that helped enabled their survival. But feel free to discuss the ones that didn't.

[Elijah Craig]

Most friendships will survive leaving, although they may not be as close. As time passes, a lot of your friends will leave.

[laurat99]

I agree with your fundy friend in letting your pastor and those closest to you know why you are leaving. It will give you and them some closure if the relationship doesn't last your exit. If you feel right about your leaving (standards vs Bible, grace vs constant comdemnation), it will help you to be able to verbalize these things to these individuals at the church. I would meet with them one on one, so they can't gang up on you. Be prepared to be emotional, so when you do cry, it won't wreck you. That's the strong persons's way out. My husband and I just disappeared when we got married and moved to another area. He had more invested in that church than I did, but he's not the best person about keeping up relationships long-distance.

[elfdream]

I agree with meeting with them one on one on YOUR terms in a place of your choosing. Don't meet with the Pastor at his office. If he is your friend he will meet you halfway. Also ask specifically if you can meet with each one ALONE. Even though you are their friend they still might feel the need to 'ambush' you although they will not of course call it that. They 'might' honestly think its an intervention of sorts.

None of my friendships survived from Fundyland but like laurat99 we moved and were away for quite some time. By the time we came back they had either moved away physically or were in other churches themselves. If I see them on the street I will speak to them and be cordial but I will be honest about where I am now.

I will say that I am still good friends with the people from the seeker-friendly church that I attended for a while. They didn't bat an eye when they found out I was exploring Catholicism and even though I might see them in town not a one of them has tried to get me to 'come back'. If I needed something I could call them up and they would be right there. They have worked on my husband a little bit but they have done nothing that offends him.

[Ricardo]

It's complicated. A separate issue nobody has brought up is the issue of growing up. This happens not only in church, but in the neighborhood and in school: The people we knew as kids, when we were all single, have the bad habit of marrying people we can't stand. (I'm sure the feeling is mutual.)

We are not the same people we were ten years ago. Neither are they. We all grow into new or different interests that may or may not match our friend's interests.

A church is supposed to be a community. Common unity, comon interests. If the only thing keeping you in a church is the old "We've always done it this way," it is not good.

As I grew in knowledge of scripture, of theology, doctrines, church history, as my opinions about how to live a godly life changed, I found myself more and more isolated in church, where after a few disastrous occurrences, I chose to refrain from confusing brothers and sisters who preferred to have a strictly defined relationship with their Lord and Savior.

It is not that they are wrong and I am right. I have learned the hard way that "my" way is not necessarily the way everyone should follow. The contradiction here is of first saying we want to encourage everyone to have a personal relationship with God, while trying to CONTROL and spell out exactly what that relationship will consist of.

[Presbygirl]

Breaking up is hard toooo dooo....

I hope this statement won't be misinterpreted. We ARE commanded to love one another BUT that doesn't mean you have to maintain a friendship if you know it's not healthy for you. It's possible to love and leave!!

It's not selfish to hold the fundys at arms length while you heal. If they are truly your friends, they will still be there as you make progress. True friendship is a two-way street. You can't maintain a friendship all by yourself. They have to work at it too. Guard your heart and feelings.

[notdrinkingthekoolaid]

After we left fundyland, the relationships that were meant to continue, did.

We were youth leaders before we left and genuinely loved our "kids". We had a relationship with them and I often had a dozen teenagers playing video games and eating food in my home. We loved it...and we loved them. They were the ones we wanted to hurt the least but didn't want to openly discuss things outside of the influence of their parents. We respected their parents too much to confuse their kids. The funny thing was...the kids and their parents were the first to take steps to continue relationship with us. We made sure that they knew we didn't leave them, just the church. We were able to explain some of it to them and I don't believe it came as much of a surprise to them as we had deliberately chosen to live consistently and honestly before them--even if they asked questions about things we didn't agree with. We're still friends with several of them on FB and it's been great to keep in touch with them.

Another friendship for me took a very unexpected turn. We weren't particularly close friends when we attended the same church. About a year ago we started chatting more online and she voiced some great concerns about the church we had left. Over the period of several months, I just talked to her and walked through their decision to leave that church. They haven't left fundyland, but they HAVE landed in a much healthier church environment.

It hasn't been all sunshine and roses though. Our relationship with my parents and inlays has been strained. My mother in law pretty much withdrew her approval of anything in our lives after we left fundyland. She passed away in 2008 and the relationship with my father in law has improved some as he moved more toward mainstream religion when he remarried.

[senda wales]

Well. After this morning, I know now to tread very, very carefully when dealing with fundy leaders who claim to love you. I think my peers are still safe to talk to, because at least they don't go in presuming that I'm an idiot young adult with no life experience. Most of them are in the same place as I am in life: confused.

But fundy leaders are a whole different story. I think I'm going to go have a cry now.

[Elijah Craig]

Oh yeah fundy leaders can be real assholes. In fact, leaders in general are often assholes. Sorry you had to learn the hard way.

[Away-From-The-Umbrella]

(08-20-2011 02:34 PM)senda wales Wrote:  Well. After this morning, I know now to tread very, very carefully when dealing with fundy leaders who claim to love you. I think my peers are still safe to talk to, because at least they don't go in presuming that I'm an idiot young adult with no life experience. Most of them are in the same place as I am in life: confused.

But fundy leaders are a whole different story. I think I'm going to go have a cry now.

Hugs <<<<senda wales>>>>