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**senda wales** · 08-08-2011, 01:43 PM

(08-08-2011 01:21 PM)C_Fresh Wrote:
(08-08-2011 01:05 PM)IFB No More Wrote: I have to say my choices are pretty much tied up.

My (non-Christian traditional Asian) parents are pretty picky about choices of a partner.
My present church expressly says that dating of non-believers is forbidden. (When Christians are a minority in my country, and damn it, most evangelical church girls are boring IMO)

Tied on both sides, what should I do?

My thought would be that you are the one who has to live with the person you chose. Picking that person based on the desires of other people sounds like a bad idea. In my case, my parents would like me to find a nice fundy girl and settle down to raise a family. I intend to listen to advice from others, like my family, but ultimately I'm going to be the one deciding and I have no interest in marrying a girl just because she would make my parents happy. I was actually surprised how nice they were to the girl I brought home to meet them one time, especially since she had a daughter.

Picking someone who doesn't meet your parent's/church approval can strain those relations but, in my opinion, its better for you in the long run.

The thing is, asian families place a huge emphasis on family. You don't just pick someone and go on your merry way and only hear from a disgruntled mom and dad during the holidays. A lot of asian families are very accepting (and even expectant) that everyone lives in the same house. The thought of putting your parents in a nursing home or anything is ludicrous; you're expected to take care of them and have them live with you. My mom's side (more traditional) sees each other almost once a week or about twice a month. If you don't go to all of these family get-togethers, you're looked at as a bad daughter/son who rejected their family and didn't return all of the hard work your family put in to raising you. My mom isn't quite as traditional, but there are still little things she'll mention that remind me I'm not a regular American. Like she takes it for granted that she'll get to baby-sit and basically raise my kids for me and that she'll be the number one nanny I'll call first for help, 'cause that's what all asian families did. So if you do marry someone who your family doesn't approve of, chances are you'll face the consequences quite regularly. If you do things to avoid them, you'll further strain the family relationships since the bar is so high for appeasing your family. And if they're not outright hostile, they'll make passive-aggressive snipes and remarks.

I'm not saying this is all bad. It's nice to have strong family bonds and know you can depend on your extended family to be there for you for everything. I think the traditional idea of a nuclear family of mom, dad, and kids is really limiting and not at all how most cultures operated. At the same time, what you do isn't your choice alone, it really is a village effort.

I'm not sure what to say about the church thing. If your parents are not Christian, and you're not all that into your church, then why are you still there? Who or what is making you stay? To me, as much as people at church can approve or disapprove of who you marry, at the end of the day, they do not go home with you. I'd care a little more about what my parents thought than what my church thought, since my parents are more involved in my personal life than church could ever be.

Also, if I'm guesstimating right, you have at least 10 years to find someone to date and maybe marry and not face too much stigma for not getting married. A lot can change in 10 years.