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HazelEyed · 08-06-2011, 10:22 PM

(08-06-2011 12:39 PM)senda wales Wrote: So, I have a problem people.

In addition to the normal jitters, nerves, and anxieties normal people experience on first dates or meeting people, I:

-am generally socially awkward (e.g., I write personal lists/algorithms for how to interact with people),

-am an uber nerd with a tendency to over-intellectualize and analyze everything ("Rise of the Planet of the Apes was great! It totally mirrors the story of Genesis from the Bible of the creation rising up against the creator with the onset of self-awareness and demonstrates our fear of technology!"),

-have a work-from-home job ("Wait, what's, 'Hello?' What are people?"),

-and have 10 years of don'tdatedon'tdatedon'tdate and purity theory drilled into my head from my fundy years ("He's flirting with me! Do I flirt back? Is that too forward? If I flirt, he might get the wrong idea. What wrong idea? This is a date! Or is it? Umm...adfdsafdfj")

I've noticed that I get really nervous on first dates, partly out of just sheer nerves, but partly out of a conscious/subconscious stiffening up when I hear that still, small fundy voice telling me all of this is wrong. Plus, in fundyland you literally get no experience in dating. I did have a non-fundy boyfriend for 3 years in college, but this actually took care of needing to learn how to behave on first dates.

I fear that I'm coming off as a not-very-fun-or-flirty person in first dates, which is kind of a kiss of death in dating. Which makes me even more nervous and less fun. Yes, I know, most people experience this to some extent or another. And I know, in general, be yourself, be genuine, and try not to stress or over-think it and just smile and have fun. (But don't be TOO much of yourself...) I'm pretty sure I'm missing something here. Help?

Here's the thing about being an uber nerd. It's AWESOME. Find someone who loves that about you! When I was fundy, I had this ridiculous mindset that I just needed to find some random male and become his submissive little helpmeet and everything would be great (no clue where this came from ... not my parents, maybe fundy camp or friends I had or books I'd read or something). I ended up dating a number of guys who I wasn't very physically attracted to and (to be brutally honest) I was probably smarter than as well. And I was pretty miserable deep down because I couldn't be myself, because they didn't like it if I acted smarter, so not only did I not have an outlet for my nerdiness and my longing to discuss deep topics (like for instance, your PotA analysis, that's exactly the kind of conversation I love to have), but I had to dumb myself down so they didn't feel threatened by my intelligence (yes one of them told me that). It was terrible. Don't make that mistake, please!! Don't feel that you have to in any way apologize for being geeky or nerdy.

Anyway, so I say all that to say this (and maybe you know all this, my apologies if you do, but I'm preaching to my younger self here I guess, plus you sort of listed the nerd stuff as a "problem"). Embrace your inner nerd. Find someone geeky who loves all the stuff you do, somebody who loves the fact that you have an algorithm for relating to people (that's so many different kinds of adorable, btw) and they probably won't be thinking about whether or not you're being flirty enough because they're too busy telling you who's their favorite Firefly character.

Some ppl mentioned online dating, and I think that's a fantastic idea.

As to the fundy stuff, I never had trouble with dating or sexuality from my fundy years (at least not once I was out of that mindset, it didn't cling to me), but I had tons and tons of trouble with residual guilt over other things, like dress standards. And I basically had to deal with it one step at a time. I started by establishing what I believed to be true, what my standards were that I'd set, and then I just had to keep working to remind myself and reinforce in my mind that I was not going to feel guilty about an old mindset I no longer believed was true. It's taken time, but I've come really far. So there's definitely hope that you'll be able to detox.