Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Elijah Craig · 09-19-2011, 05:25 PM

(09-19-2011 05:00 PM)senda wales Wrote:
(09-19-2011 04:55 PM)Persnickety Polecat Wrote: I asked my husband out the first time ... 12 or so years ago.

I'll add my 2 cents to the dating thing. If you're really uncomfortable interacting with men, dating, etc., have you tried just having male friends? Sometimes not having the pressure of a "date" will help you relax a little more. Go out on "friend dates" with men you're just friends with (just make sure everyone knows it's a friends-only thing so no one gets hurt), and build up to actual dates with men you're actually interested in.

Yeah, yeah, I have guy friends that I feel very comfortable "asking out" and it's not a big deal at all. I just feel like the stakes are higher when actual interest is involved. Also, my reputation.

It is a cultural thing. Even today, it's generally the role of the man to ask the woman out. A lot of dudes will think you're too forward. Some dudes won't care. Depends on the dude.

**senda wales** · 09-19-2011, 05:35 PM

(09-19-2011 05:25 PM)Elijah Craig Wrote: It is a cultural thing. Even today, it's generally the role of the man to ask the woman out. A lot of dudes will think you're too forward. Some dudes won't care. Depends on the dude.

Yeah, that was my question about "appropriate." In my head my exact concern was - is that too forward? I couldn't tell if that was the fundy talking or just being an American female talking.

**senda wales** · 09-19-2011, 05:53 PM

I've read secular material that strongly advises against girls asking guys out. The rationale is that if a guy is into you, he will ask you out.

IFB No More · (This post was last modified: 09-19-2011 07:01 PM by IFB No More.)

Now I have some questions. I *know* I might have asked some of you before, but here they are:
- Have never been involved in a relationship, not even a casual one. I'm in my 20s and going into the mid-20s quite soon. Still in college, but my social circle is very small back in my country. I thought coming to the USA might make things improve, but because of my socially awkward nature and various cultural differences, I am making little inroads in spite of how hard I try.
- There are some who tell me to start to date right away especially in college where it's good to meet many new people. Find someone whom I am interested in, and then ask them out. Yet my relative (also a young mother) opposes that and tells me to "do nothing" - just meet new people and slowly a girl will indicate her interest, and r/s should if possible be formed from close friendships. She tells me I'm too desperate thinking of these things and enjoy my single years while I still can.
- I do not know who is correct, or whether any of them are correct in the first place. I think there are many factors that make it difficult for me - dislike of criticism or budging out of my comfort zone is one huge weakness. I don't know how to properly express my interest towards a girl I like and approach her - this, plus the "you're too desperate" quotes by my relative is the reason why I have never approached any girl as of now.
- People over here in college (both guys and girls) largely say "Hi" to me and otherwise leave me alone. They get very friendly initially but then leave me alone otherwise. Yet another question - why are *they* so close to each other? Is it a problem on my part or a problem of theirs? This is the case whether in the US or Singapore. I fear this problem will seriously affect my social circle and love life (if I ever get one) in the future.

Would desire your advice and help, please.

HACker105 · 09-19-2011, 06:52 PM

even at fundy U, there were opposite views
dr schaap called for girls to go after guys as well as others.

**senda wales** · (This post was last modified: 09-19-2011 07:35 PM by senda wales.)

(09-19-2011 06:51 PM)IFB No More Wrote: I don't know how to properly express my interest towards a girl I like and approach her

Granted, I obviously don't know how to ask people out, but if I really, really had to, it would go something like this:

1. Say hi.
2. Smile or try to generally look like a nice, friendly person.
3. Talk. If you know her well, talk about a common interest. If you don't know her well, talk about some current event, or school, or the weather. The key is to get to know the person.
4. Remember to throw in a couple of compliments, like, "By the way, you have a great haircut!" or "I really admire that, you're really smart/brave/etc." People in general like compliments.
5a. If you are able to engage in conversation with her for 10 or more minutes without any or only a couple of awkward silences and if she generally seems engaged in the conversation, then before ending the conversation, say something like, "This has been fun. You seem like a really great person. Let's meet up again. Can I get your number?"
5b. Alternatively, if it's close to a meal or snack time and there are venues in the area, ask if she'd like to get a meal or snack with you.
5c. Asking to be friends on Facebook first may be okay if you're not really sure of your interest or not sure you want to call her.
6. If she says no or something non-committal, no harm done. Move on.

Elijah Craig · 09-19-2011, 08:36 PM

(09-19-2011 07:30 PM)Donb123 Wrote:
(09-19-2011 05:35 PM)senda wales Wrote: Yeah, that was my question about "appropriate." In my head my exact concern was - is that too forward? I couldn't tell if that was the fundy talking or just being an American female talking.

I don't see that as being a problem in Charlotte, let alone San Diego or San Fran or wherever you are.

Yeah, this isn't 1960. There will be guys who don't go for it, but even my backwoods self is OK with it if she doesn't come across as needy or pushy. If there was a concert I liked and a girl asked me if I wanted to go, I'd be cool with that.

Elijah Craig · 09-19-2011, 08:38 PM

(09-19-2011 07:33 PM)senda wales Wrote:
(09-19-2011 06:51 PM)IFB No More Wrote: I don't know how to properly express my interest towards a girl I like and approach her

Granted, I obviously don't know how to ask people out, but if I really, really had to, it would go something like this:

1. Say hi.
2. Smile or try to generally look like a nice, friendly person.
3. Talk. If you know her well, talk about a common interest. If you don't know her well, talk about some current event, or school, or the weather. The key is to get to know the person.
4. Remember to throw in a couple of compliments, like, "By the way, you have a great haircut!" or "I really admire that, you're really smart/brave/etc." People in general like compliments.
5a. If you are able to engage in conversation with her for 10 or more minutes without any or only a couple of awkward silences and if she generally seems engaged in the conversation, then before ending the conversation, say something like, "This has been fun. You seem like a really great person. Let's meet up again. Can I get your number?"
5b. Alternatively, if it's close to a meal or snack time and there are venues in the area, ask if she'd like to get a meal or snack with you.
5c. Asking to be friends on Facebook first may be okay if you're not really sure of your interest or not sure you want to call her.
6. If she says no or something non-committal, no harm done. Move on.

I just wrote this outline down on a 3x5 card and will keep it to refresh my memory the next time I see a girl I find attractive. Smile

No seriously, it's good advice but you'd be surprised how dumb guys are (myself included).

**senda wales** · 09-19-2011, 11:39 PM

(09-19-2011 08:36 PM)Elijah Craig Wrote:
(09-19-2011 07:30 PM)Donb123 Wrote: I don't see that as being a problem in Charlotte, let alone San Diego or San Fran or wherever you are.

Yeah, this isn't 1960. There will be guys who don't go for it, but even my backwoods self is OK with it if she doesn't come across as needy or pushy. If there was a concert I liked and a girl asked me if I wanted to go, I'd be cool with that.

Phrased that way, that's pretty reasonable. I feel like I have to get to know the person first, I can't just cold call ask them out on a date.

**senda wales** · (This post was last modified: 09-19-2011 11:48 PM by senda wales.)

(09-19-2011 08:38 PM)Elijah Craig Wrote: I just wrote this outline down on a 3x5 card and will keep it to refresh my memory the next time I see a girl I find attractive.

No seriously, it's good advice but you'd be surprised how dumb guys are (myself included).

ROFL.

This is once again a good time to post the usual disclaimers that my views definitely do not represent an expert's and I am in no way responsible or liable for any rejections, broken hearts, slaps to the face, or otherwise unfortunate relationship mishaps that may ensue as a result of following my advice.