Puntastic!

[Don]

Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Are you having a beer?”
Descartes says, “I think not,” and ceases to exist.

[Don]

   

[EmilyKing]

Did you hear about the lepers who played hockey?

There was a face-off in the corner.

[boymom]

Some friars needed to raise money, so they opened up a small florist shop. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to plead with them. They ignored her, too. Finally, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Don]

(07-06-2011 07:57 PM)boymom Wrote:  Some friars needed to raise money, so they opened up a small florist shop. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to plead with them. They ignored her, too. Finally, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

S-s-s-s-s-mo-kin!

[Don]

Did you see the sign on the Lawn at the Re-hab center?
It said, "Keep off the Grass."


**There's a BoJo joke in there somewhere.

[cordovan]

Old but here goes:

There were three strings walking along the street. They came up to a bar with a huge sign outside that said "NO STRINGS SERVED." The first one says, "They'll serve me." and marches in only to be unceremoniously tossed out a moment later. The second straightens himself up and says, "You just don't know how to do it. They'll serve me." A moment after walking in, he too is slammed to the pavement. The third string says, "Watch this!" He then loops himself around himself and rubs his ends on the pavement. He walks in and the bar tender says, "I told the other two to get out and stay out. You're another one of those **%$$ strings aren't you?"

His reply, "No, sir, I'm a frayed knot."

[Beowulf]

A scientist thought he could get twice as much done if he could only find a way to duplicate himself. He was able to make a perfect clone, but where the scientist was thoughtful, polite, and kind, the clone was his complete opposite. He swore, was dirty, and made lewd gestures at women.

The duplicate was ruining the scientist's reputation, so one day the scientists lured the duplicate up to the lab, then pushed him off the balcony. The police came and put the scientist in handcuffs, but he protested.

"You can't arrest me for murder, since it was just a copy of me, and I'm still here. It's not suicide either, since I'm obviously still here. Why are you arresting me?"

The cop replied, "We're arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."