Overcoming the "doormat" mindset

[Katerpillar]

This is mainly a discussion for the ladies, but guys can join in if they have any helpful input.

I've got a real problem. I was raised and taught my whole life (till I got married) to be a doormat wife, and I think I would've been perfect at it. Now, I married an amazing guy who loves me more than I could've ever dreamed of, and he actually understands how a marriage should work, according to the Bible. He does NOT treat me like a doormat, whatsoever.

Here's where the trouble comes in. I still TRY to act like a doormat wife, whenever things are rough. For example, if things are just going rough, the house is a mess, we're in a tough financial situation, the baby is cranky, or whatever, I tend to blame myself for not being a good enough wife. I make the excuse that if I was a better "keeper at home", that everything would be perfect. Of course, life is full of trials and problems, and we all have our bad days, but I blame EVERYTHING on myself. It's like all those years of everything bad I was taught growing up, it all comes to mind and I let myself believe it's all true.

It drives my husband crazy when I try to be a doormat, though. I'm thankful for that, but I'd like to figure out how to stop myself from feeling like that. I don't know if any of this makes sense to any of you, or if any of you have dealt with anything similar, but I'd really like your input if you can help.

[HelenW]

(01-09-2011 12:17 AM)Katerpillar Wrote:  This is mainly a discussion for the ladies, but guys can join in if they have any helpful input.

I've got a real problem. I was raised and taught my whole life (till I got married) to be a doormat wife, and I think I would've been perfect at it. Now, I married an amazing guy who loves me more than I could've ever dreamed of, and he actually understands how a marriage should work, according to the Bible. He does NOT treat me like a doormat, whatsoever.

Here's where the trouble comes in. I still TRY to act like a doormat wife, whenever things are rough. For example, if things are just going rough, the house is a mess, we're in a tough financial situation, the baby is cranky, or whatever, I tend to blame myself for not being a good enough wife. I make the excuse that if I was a better "keeper at home", that everything would be perfect. Of course, life is full of trials and problems, and we all have our bad days, but I blame EVERYTHING on myself. It's like all those years of everything bad I was taught growing up, it all comes to mind and I let myself believe it's all true.

It drives my husband crazy when I try to be a doormat, though. I'm thankful for that, but I'd like to figure out how to stop myself from feeling like that. I don't know if any of this makes sense to any of you, or if any of you have dealt with anything similar, but I'd really like your input if you can help.

Hey Kat,
I can really relate to you. Thankfully, I was never part of a family that taught me that the female of the relationship must be constantly submissive and that everything that could possibly go wrong in a relationship would be because of any insubordination - my mom is a kick-butt Polish femme fatale who leads our house with quite a steady grip
However it fits into my situation... I am pretty severely depressed at the moment (think on verge of a hospital visit or something), and sometimes my mind likes to think up totally untrue things. I place the blame on myself for cirumstances or realities that don't have anything to do with me. I think that God hates women sometimes while knowing that isn't true. I hate myself for no reason. Etcetera.

I've only a few effective strategies, each of them tailor-made to my own experience and personality... people cope with these things differently but I hope I can help in some way.

As a true-blue INTJ I tend to be fairly logical when dealing with these things. In the case of the roles of men and women on Earth, I wanted to find a good piece of material that would exegete those tricky NT passages in a slightly more (ahem) scholarly way than those at Fundy U do it. It soon became pretty apparent to me that God wants both men and women to submit to each other in marriage. A passage that always makes me stop and think is this one, as men are commanded to "give themselves up" for their wives, as Christ did... as in dying! What greater act of submission is there than that?
Anyway, just the knowledge that it is a totally reciprocal thing ideally brought me peace, so whenever my mind gives me some ugly schpiel about God requiring my outright perfect submission and service to my husband I like to remind myself that "perfect" will not be possible for anyone, and that I will Biblically require submission from my husband anyway. Even a loudly repeated lie in an OCD suffering mind like mine can't handle the whispered Truth...

As for feeling bad over things I place the blame on myself for, it again helps me to focus on what I know is true. Unless you are starving your baby (and I highly doubt it! ) nothing in your power has done anything to make him/her (?) cranky! And that is the truth, period. It's the hardest avoiding that awful feeling of guilt because it tends to creep up anyway... especially since there are dregs of filth from your past that had a chance to build up for years!
Putting it this way - even if you were perfect in every aspect, would there be financial situations? Yep. Stubborn and angry kids? I bet even Baby Jesus could get a little cranky now and then. And my mom vacuums every other day - our house isn't all that spic and span.

The good news is that God doesn't imagine anyone to be perfect. As a perfectionist, I have huge issues over this (I wouldn't call it pride, since my self-esteem is pretty low, but I simply like to do my best and lately my best hasn't really been very impressive.) God doesn't even require us to be completely sinless for a day!
So the things you are blaming yourself for aren't your flaws to begin with, and even if they were, God would still view you as His precious jewel, hardly a thing fit to step on. It's so good that your husband is treating you accordingly!

Also remeber that you're up against a monster that is years and years old... getting rid of that feeling will be hard to do, but you have a God Who is simply waiting with His arms open, whenever you are overwhelmed, ready to heal you...

I hope this wall of text helps...! I tend to be pretty verbose sometimes!
Sincerely, Helen

[Katerpillar]

Thank you so much, Helen. I think we must have similar personalities, because I am also a perfectionist, so I have a natural tendency to beat myself up over things that aren't really a big deal to everyone else. Also, I have low self-esteem (it definitely isn't pride, because I honestly don't like myself very much), but I think that has to do with how I was raised.

[Historian]

I'll admit right off the bat that I'm not married, and I wasn't raised in a home that encouraged the "doormat" mentality. So I'm by no means an expert–anything I say here would need some grains of salt I'm sure. I've just had some opportunities to try and help different ladies who've struggled with controlling their thoughts/emotions at times, as well as dealing with my own failure in that area, and these are the two things that came to mind:

1. One thing that seems to help control feelings of inadequacy, (false) guilt, failure, etc is to focus on Christ. By that I mean sometimes you just can't say, "Ok, this isn't true and I'm not going to worry about it anymore." Feelings don't always just disappear when we command them to. But sometimes you can turn this around on yourself. You can say to yourself, "Ok, yes, I am a failure. I am an unprofitable servant. I am a sinner–in fact it's probably worse than I even think. But am I trusting myself? I'm not accepted by God because I've perfected myself. I'm accepted because Jesus Christ stands in all His perfection and flawlessness in my place, covering all my sins and failures with His blood." In the specific case you've brought up it might go something like this, "Ok, so let's assume it IS all my fault. Every last thing is my fault, and I've been failing completely. Does that change how God feels about me? It's Christ I'm clinging to, and nothing can separate me from the love of God when He is my substitute and my advocate. The past is over, it's forgotten it's forgiven. I don't have to worry about it anymore–I can just concentrate on doing my best now."

2. The other thing that sometimes seems to be helpful is to meditate on God and not just on facts. So, for example, the fact is that God loves me. I know that, but sometimes no matter how much I remind myself of that truth I don't seem able to stop feeling a certain way. But if I instead meditate on God as a loving God, focusing on Him rather than on myself, I often find much more encouragement and strength to drive away those feelings I know are wrong but can't just dismiss on my own. I meditate on Him as Love itself, as the originator of love in the universe, as the epitome of every grace, including love. I think about how He's proved His love in Scripture.

So, that's about it. As you said, it doesn't seem to be a problem with not KNOWING, but a problem with being able to move the head knowledge to the heart and deal with these feelings. Will pray for you!

Miriam

[Naomi]

First, I want to say, we probably all struggle with this sometimes. If you're a woman raised in fundamentalism, you've probably got self-worth issues, and they're probably going to come up in your romantic relationships. You just can't tell someone they're not as much a person as a man their whole life and not end up with some self-esteem deficits. I'm about as liberal as they come in my relationships (I've been out of fundyism for years and I wouldn't be with anyone who wasn't strongly feminist and marriage is likely not in my future), and I still struggle with thinking that my thoughts and feelings aren't really worth talking about sometimes.

Now for a Christian answer:

I appreciate what Miriam wrote, but I feel a little reserved around anything that sounds remotely like worm theology. You're not unprofitable! You're not in any way worthless! You are made in the image of God. You are a woman that reflects God's design. That means you're really awesome!!! God does not want you to think you are a piece of sh!t. God wants you to see yourself as made in God's image, with a high self-worth. You're right - that's very different from arrogance. I've heard it said that you can't love others properly without loving yourself, otherwise Gal. 5:14 doesn't work. So anything that helps you boost your self-esteem and reframe your self-worth is great!

And I'm guessing that you know that the negative things in your life aren't really your fault, but I understand that sometimes it still feels that way. Keep holding on to what you know is true about yourself and your situations! I have phrases I can use to remind myself of what's true when I start losing my sense of boundaries and taking responsibility of things that I can't control, because I know occasionally it's going to happen still. Hugs!!

[Historian]

(01-10-2011 03:59 AM)Naomi Wrote:  Now for a Christian answer:

I appreciate what Miriam wrote, but I feel a little reserved around anything that sounds remotely like worm theology. You're not unprofitable! You're not in any way worthless! You are made in the image of God. You are a woman that reflects God's design. That means you're really awesome!!! God does not want you to think you are a piece of sh!t. God wants you to see yourself as made in God's image, with a high self-worth. You're right - that's very different from arrogance. I've heard it said that you can't love others properly without loving yourself, otherwise Gal. 5:14 doesn't work. So anything that helps you boost your self-esteem and reframe your self-worth is great!

Naomi is right about being careful to think of yourself properly, and I appreciate the reminder! I hope I didn't come across as suggesting you are worthless. She's absolutely right: we are something special. We are the only created things made in God's image. We were made to be the lords of creation, to be rational, emotional, spiritual creatures with authority. Unfortunately, we've ruined that image by our sin. Sin makes us so much less than we were ever meant to be. Sin makes us foolish and self-destructive, mars God's image in us and inspires us to live for self, which is not what we were made for. But we don't have to stay ruined! Christ came to make us more than Adam and Eve ever were. He came to redeem us, clothe us with a righteousness not our own and make us rule and reign with Him. I think Hebrews 12:22-23 is some of the most beautiful of all Scripture. It describes not what we will have only, but what in God's eternal perspective we already have by the work of Christ. We're already come to the heavenly Jerusalem, to the gathering of the angels; we are part of the assembly of the firstborn. No one could ever raise us higher!

My hope was not to fill you with self-loathing, so I'm very sorry if it came across that way. Instead, it was to point you to everything you have in Christ. I didn't mean that you SHOULD blame everything on yourself, but rather that if you can't get out from under those feelings then turn and stand up to them, right in their face. What if I AM to blame for everything? What if I have failed? It is Christ who died, and Christ who was made alive, and God who describes me as a saint and part of the very body of His Son.

[Katerpillar]

(01-10-2011 01:40 AM)Historian Wrote:  I'll admit right off the bat that I'm not married, and I wasn't raised in a home that encouraged the "doormat" mentality. So I'm by no means an expert–anything I say here would need some grains of salt I'm sure. I've just had some opportunities to try and help different ladies who've struggled with controlling their thoughts/emotions at times, as well as dealing with my own failure in that area, and these are the two things that came to mind:

1. One thing that seems to help control feelings of inadequacy, (false) guilt, failure, etc is to focus on Christ. By that I mean sometimes you just can't say, "Ok, this isn't true and I'm not going to worry about it anymore." Feelings don't always just disappear when we command them to. But sometimes you can turn this around on yourself. You can say to yourself, "Ok, yes, I am a failure. I am an unprofitable servant. I am a sinner–in fact it's probably worse than I even think. But am I trusting myself? I'm not accepted by God because I've perfected myself. I'm accepted because Jesus Christ stands in all His perfection and flawlessness in my place, covering all my sins and failures with His blood." In the specific case you've brought up it might go something like this, "Ok, so let's assume it IS all my fault. Every last thing is my fault, and I've been failing completely. Does that change how God feels about me? It's Christ I'm clinging to, and nothing can separate me from the love of God when He is my substitute and my advocate. The past is over, it's forgotten it's forgiven. I don't have to worry about it anymore–I can just concentrate on doing my best now."

2. The other thing that sometimes seems to be helpful is to meditate on God and not just on facts. So, for example, the fact is that God loves me. I know that, but sometimes no matter how much I remind myself of that truth I don't seem able to stop feeling a certain way. But if I instead meditate on God as a loving God, focusing on Him rather than on myself, I often find much more encouragement and strength to drive away those feelings I know are wrong but can't just dismiss on my own. I meditate on Him as Love itself, as the originator of love in the universe, as the epitome of every grace, including love. I think about how He's proved His love in Scripture.

So, that's about it. As you said, it doesn't seem to be a problem with not KNOWING, but a problem with being able to move the head knowledge to the heart and deal with these feelings. Will pray for you!

Miriam

Hey, that was really good and helpful! Thank you! It seems like something that we all should know as Christians, but we don't put into practice enough.

Another thing I try to remember, is that we are God's children (we that are born again, anyhow). If we do anything in the slightest to try to please Him, that makes Him happy. We don't have to live up to a standard, because He loves us. Even if I fail at doing everything right, if I'm doing it while trying to please Him, instead of doing it for myself, then it makes Him happy.

I will really try to remember what you said next time I have those feelings. I know it won't only make the situation better, but my husband would be a lot happier about it, too.

[wannabe exfundy]

I so relate to this post!! I am so thankful that, like you, I married a man who makes me feel safe to share my opinions, thoughts and feelings. I didn't have that growing up with my parents and it was hard for me to adjust to it but it is so freeing to have a voice in your marriage. As for the "doormat" thing, I struggled (and still do!) with it a lot. I think it's another version of a "fear of man" where we're afraid of upsetting or inconveniencing our husband or other people. Being a doormat is really a lot of work. You have to plan ahead for different scenarios in your head and "rehearse" what you'll say or do in advance. Which is an exhausting way to live. The biggest step is being aware of it. I have come a long way, but I still pull out my wallet at fast food eateries before I get in line so people behind me won't have to wait the 2 seconds longer for me to rummage in my purse. *blush*

Another thing I learned is that leaving the doormat thinking means I need to trust more. I need to trust that my husband is adult enough to tell me if my actions are upsetting or bothersome--INSTEAD of assuming everything I do is my fault. I need to trust that I DO contribute to my relationships in ways I'm not always aware of. Does that make sense? And I'm working on apologizing less, especially over things I have no control over.

For me, a big thing that helped is LOTS of communication with my husband. "I feel like I'm a bad wife when this ---- happens" "Does it bother you when I do ---?" And most importantly, "what are you thinking now?" I've come to realize my husband is very understanding and does not take offence easily. Many times when I have to make a personal decision, he will purposely refuse to give his opinion until I have decided on my own how I want to handle it--since he knows my normal tendency is to disregard my thoughts and agree with his. This alone has really stretched and pushed me out of my comfort zone, but I'm very grateful for it. I hope this helps some what and I'm looking forward to reading other posts.

[HelenW]

(01-10-2011 01:40 AM)Historian Wrote:  2. The other thing that sometimes seems to be helpful is to meditate on God and not just on facts. So, for example, the fact is that God loves me. I know that, but sometimes no matter how much I remind myself of that truth I don't seem able to stop feeling a certain way. But if I instead meditate on God as a loving God, focusing on Him rather than on myself, I often find much more encouragement and strength to drive away those feelings I know are wrong but can't just dismiss on my own. I meditate on Him as Love itself, as the originator of love in the universe, as the epitome of every grace, including love. I think about how He's proved His love in Scripture.

So, that's about it. As you said, it doesn't seem to be a problem with not KNOWING, but a problem with being able to move the head knowledge to the heart and deal with these feelings. Will pray for you!

Miriam

This is a challenge for me in particular since I usually separate facts from my feelings... lately with my depression I can't trust my feelings at all, but that's just me in particular! I've forgotten other people function a bit more normally than me with their hearts intact. Thanks for adding warmth to the discussion.
I'm going to have to learn a bit of that if I hope to be a successful counsellor one day

[Tony Mel]

(01-09-2011 12:17 AM)Katerpillar Wrote:  It drives my husband crazy when I try to be a doormat, though. I'm thankful for that, but I'd like to figure out how to stop myself from feeling like that. I don't know if any of this makes sense to any of you, or if any of you have dealt with anything similar, but I'd really like your input if you can help.

I've got no input myself, but I know of 2 books that may be a blessing to you in this matter.

The Assertiveness Workbook
9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life