Dating an Non-Evangelical (but still Christian)

[IFB No More]

Hi SFLers, I'm asking for some helpful advice here.

Right now, I'm starting to get interested in some ladies, and I'm intending to ask one of them out, start a r/s etc etc. It's casual first, we're only gonna get serious if our cards are right.

The problem is I am not sure should my r/s get real, what will my present church (not IFB, but Reformed Baptist) say. They don't care much about my choice of a partner but I am expected to date a believer. That will be simple to meet, but they're of the conservative evangelical type - I don't think they'll consider Catholics as believers and they'll cast those charismatic-mega-church girls with some suspicion as well.

Some girls I like are Catholic, some come from those prosperity-gospel megachurches, some have nominal Christian backgrounds.

Am I worrying too much (having a fundy background makes me so worrisome!) or do I have genuine concerns over here? Thanks.

[TomK]

If I were in your place I would have two concerns.

1. Is she a believer who loves Jesus?
2. Will our differences in beliefs hinder us from serving God together in the furure? Or can we be involved at the same church, discuss our faith, counsel others, and be on the same page?

These are more long term concerns and should have little impact on who you share coffee with or invite out to Olive Garden.

[amyrose5]

What are the main issues for you? I think you should be thinking in those terms rather than what your church might think.

I think it is important that a couple share the same faith or if they do not, carefully consider how they will handle everything that comes with no agreeing on those matters.

A former student of mine got married a few years ago to a wonderful young man who is Lutheran. She grew up in Evangelical churches. She confided to me before the wedding that they had serious differences about where to attend church and about how to raise future children in regard to denominations starting with conflicting views of infant baptism. But they decided to worry about it all later. I didn't think that was wise particularly about child raising because when it is a real baby, not a hypothetical one, emotions on all sides will get much more heated. They have not had children yet. But I know that their last church they attended was a "compromise" church that neither was happy with.

Think about what you want, what compromises you can make and how you see spirituality, church, and religious traditions playing a role in your future marriage. That matters a lot more than what your church does or doesn' t think about who you date.

[Trapped Pentecostal]

Are you an adult? Are the people you are looking to date adults?

Date whoever you want. You're a grownup.

I was a believer when I met and married my wife. Now I'm not anymore, but my wife still is, even though she's not fully aware of just how far I've moved away from my original beliefs.

People can change pretty drastically, even if they believe exactly as you do at the time that you start the relationship. If you look for someone with exactly your beliefs, even if you manage to find that person, either you or the other person can change 5, 10, 15 years down the road. Either one of you may stop believing altogether, or go on to believe something completely different than what you started with.

That may all seem a bit pessimistic, but it's true.

[Lizzy F.]

(04-26-2011 02:21 PM)Trapped Pentecostal Wrote:  People can change pretty drastically, even if they believe exactly as you do at the time that you start the relationship. If you look for someone with exactly your beliefs, even if you manage to find that person, either you or the other person can change 5, 10, 15 years down the road. Either one of you may stop believing altogether, or go on to believe something completely different than what you started with.

That may all seem a bit pessimistic, but it's true.

Exactly. My Dad was a strong church-going fundy when he married my Mom. Now he doesn't like to speak "religion" and won't admit to anyone that he still reads his Bible. He's almost a completely different man from the the man my Mom married.

I went through a huge personality change when I left fundy-ism as well. My teachers and friends noticed and I'm just thankful that I left that craziness before I got myself in a committed relationship.

[elfdream]

I became Catholic. Husband is still a believer but is currently not attending church anywhere because he hasn't found one that suits him.

We make it work and focus on things we agree on. He 'understands' most of the Catholic doctrines even if he doesn't agree with them. Sometimes he finds himself explaining them to his friends who don't understand...which I think is funny.

So date who you want but I would suggest that they are least be believers but as we all have said...keep in mind that people can change.

[Elijah Craig]

(04-26-2011 12:00 PM)IFB No More Wrote:  Hi SFLers, I'm asking for some helpful advice here.

Right now, I'm starting to get interested in some ladies, and I'm intending to ask one of them out, start a r/s etc etc. It's casual first, we're only gonna get serious if our cards are right.

The problem is I am not sure should my r/s get real, what will my present church (not IFB, but Reformed Baptist) say. They don't care much about my choice of a partner but I am expected to date a believer. That will be simple to meet, but they're of the conservative evangelical type - I don't think they'll consider Catholics as believers and they'll cast those charismatic-mega-church girls with some suspicion as well.

Some girls I like are Catholic, some come from those prosperity-gospel megachurches, some have nominal Christian backgrounds.

Am I worrying too much (having a fundy background makes me so worrisome!) or do I have genuine concerns over here? Thanks.

Without knowing your particular church and the girls in question, it is impossible to say. Some Reformed Baptist churches expect their members to affirm that the Catholic Church is the Antichrist. Some would view anyone who affirms the Nicene Creed without reservation as being a true Christian. Many are somewhere in between.

[Innocent Lamb]

I'm not speaking up because I have wise advice, but because I've been burned in this area.

First of all, I would suggest being less concerned with what your church thinks you should do, and more concerned with what your heart tells you to do. I'd suspect if you are "worrying" about it, there may be a valid reason and it would be wise to figure out what that is. Don't discount your gut feelings.

Second, I would not discount the importance of having compatible beliefs in a relationship. I can't imagine a relationship in which beliefs would not matter. However, like others have said here, there is no guarantee things won't change over time. I thought my husband had mainstream beliefs like I did, because that's what he wanted me to think. (He wanted to be seen as "normal," not as a fundy freak. Other's opinions were VERY important to him.) But as time went by, his fundy beliefs from childhood started surfacing; mainly his belief that being a man gave him the right to do whatever in the world he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. In the end, his beliefs coupled with a troubled repressive childhood destroyed our marriage. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone!

[Elijah Craig]

Our fundy background says doctrinal disagreements are HUGELY important, but in reality many Christians care more about being a good person than having good doctrine. It's not uncommon at all for people to change denominations to marry someone they love. It doesn't necessarily mean they're unprincipled; it just means their values lie somewhere else.

[HazelEyed]

I will second everyone on here who says beliefs change. Mine certainly have. Good gracious. I am almost the complete opposite of what I was when I got married. Fortunately for the sanity of our home, my husband's beliefs changed and grew with mine. We don't *GASP* believe exactly the same things, either. In fact, I have pretty different beliefs than he does about a LOT of hot topics. But we both love God and follow Christ, and we respect each other's convictions and beliefs where they differ. And we learn from each other through our differences, because we approach them lovingly. I'm actually pretty astounded at how easily we don't share certain beliefs, since I was taught that this would wreck a marriage.

On the other hand, we do have very similar ideas about how to raise children and about how to spend our money, etc, and I think that really helps cut down on the fights. We used to have a huge disagreement over churches, but my husband changed in some of his beliefs and now we attend a church we are both very happy with. I can't imagine marriage to someone who wildly disagreed with me on things like childrearing, church, and finances (or gender roles/submission!!) without it being extremely hostile. I guess the thing about me and my husband is that we have our practical way of living and then we have our ideologies. And we can live together quite well with the former being similar and the latter being different. We meet in the middle, although sometimes we come from different starting places. I hope that makes sense.