Transgender at 5 yo

[Persnickety Polecat]

(05-20-2012 05:52 PM)FindingMyWay Wrote:  It's obvious that my son knows he's a boy, but if I were to ask him why he was, he would likely reply that he has a p*enis. If you were to ask him why I (his mom) was not a boy, he would tell you because I *don't* have a p*enis. To him it's that simple.

The story pointed out that when the mom had a discussion with her child about differences between boys and girls, the girl wanted to know when and why she was changed. She didn't realize that she was a female due to her genitals. She truly believed her mom had changed her into a girl. That was poignant, to me.

[Qrayze]

After reading the whole article, I definitely believe the kid. He's known since age two.

Also, just a personal annoyance; I hate when people say someone is too young to really know what they want.

For instance, I've known since the day that I gave birth to my daughter that I didn't want to have any more children, ever. However, at 28, I'm apparently "too young" to know that, and I have to wait until I'm 35 for the kind of female sterilization I want.

This isn't just a kid who wants to play with trucks and GI Joe's. He asked his mom when they changed his gentitals from male to female when he was three, ffs! When someone is that adamant about KNOWING who they are or what they want, it's safe to say it's not just a phase, nor will their mind be changed.

[MKxcomm]

My very conservative, white, middle class boss's child insisted from the time he was two that he was a boy (born a girl) This was nothing that was put in his head, definitely not influenced in this way, never molested etc. My boss has let her child transition into being a boy, but it has been a difficult thing for the whole family. It's easy to make snap decisions about this, but until you know a parent (she's the best mom I've ever met) that is going through it, and a child that is going through it, it's not beneficial to make up your mind about situations like this. I also think that this highlights the issue our country has in pigeon holing what is "boy" behavior and "girl" behavior. Colors don't belong to one sex or another, girls can like spiderman, boys can like the color pink. Attributing a child's preference to gender is comforting and familiar, but it's also limiting the world of that child to only things that are "gender appropriate."

[pastor's wife]

I have a friend whose close relative has a very young son (around 5 or so) who insists he's a girl and interestingly enough, when he's been tested, they've found that he actually has high, high rates of female hormones in his body. To me, that might explain why he identifies with being female so strongly.

[elfdream]

I believe people when they say things like that. I don't understand it but I believe them.

[FindingMyWay]

(05-20-2012 10:05 PM)Naomi Wrote:  I wasn't clear about my question! Sorry. I was assuming you would say yes to both questions: your son knows he's a boy and you believe him. And then I wondered why you would believe him? I think young kids probably aren't able to give any sort of sophisticated explanations of their gender identity; it's just something they know. When it's the same as what they know about their sex, there's no need to separate the two. I think what I was wondering about is: are we more likely to believe our kids' gender identity when it is the same as what we expect from their sex (based on external genitals)?

You know, it's entirely possible that this is so far outside the realm of my experience that I was more flippant in my original reply than I should have been. I just look at my kids and all of the many kids I have been around (lots of babysitting, children's ministry work, etc) and they never think about this kind of thing. The little boys play with kitchen stuff and the little girls play with trucks and no one cares - including the kids. Truthfully, if one of my sons told me they wanted to be a girl, I would expect it to be because the girls got to line up first for recess or something. I just don't see in them an awareness of how drastic of a change that would really be. That doesn't mean, of course, that the child in this article is not speaking from an instinctive, deeply-rooted feeling - I just mean that the kids I have experience with are not that self-aware.

(05-20-2012 10:50 PM)Persnickety Polecat Wrote:  The story pointed out that when the mom had a discussion with her child about differences between boys and girls, the girl wanted to know when and why she was changed. She didn't realize that she was a female due to her genitals. She truly believed her mom had changed her into a girl. That was poignant, to me.

I saw that. Poignant is a good word for it. Really, the whole story is sad because this is not an easy road for the child/family, regardless of the choices they make.

(05-20-2012 11:19 PM)Qrayze Wrote:  Also, just a personal annoyance; I hate when people say someone is too young to really know what they want.

For instance, I've known since the day that I gave birth to my daughter that I didn't want to have any more children, ever. However, at 28, I'm apparently "too young" to know that, and I have to wait until I'm 35 for the kind of female sterilization I want.

Sorry to annoy you. I truly believe sometimes kids are too young to know what they really want though. And I think there's a huge difference between saying a child is too young to know what they want and that an adult is too young to know what they want. A child's decision-making process is immature, they don't necessarily grasp the concepts of time and permanence, and they don't always understand that making a choice excludes the other possibilities.

[Jenni]

Here's another video with some other families raising transgender kids, if you're interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utpam0IGY...33191F3558


I can't imagine how hard it is for these kids to grow up in bodies that don't match the gender they feel that they are. I'm so glad that these families are allowing their children to live in the gender they really are, rather than the one they were assigned at birth. That saves those kids from a lot of heartache.

PW, the kid you know about who insists he's a girl and also has high levels of female hormones is probably still transgender; allowing that child to live as a girl would probably help the child to feel more comfortable as a person. On one of the shows about transgender children that I watched, the parents of a transgendered girl [boy body, girl brain for those of you who aren't familiar with the terminology] referred to her "boy parts" as her birth defect and said that she could have them taken care of when she was older.

[Jenni]

(05-21-2012 08:27 AM)FindingMyWay Wrote:  The little boys play with kitchen stuff and the little girls play with trucks and no one cares - including the kids. Truthfully, if one of my sons told me they wanted to be a girl, I would expect it to be because the girls got to line up first for recess or something.

A cisgender child [a child whose internal gender and external gender match] might want to be a girl to get in line first, or might think that it's not fair that the girls line up first or whatever, but a transgender child will say "I am a boy/girl," not just "I wish I were a boy/girl." Many parents of trans children have mentioned finding their children attempting to cut off their "boy parts" with scissors or nail clippers, or covering their "girl parts" with a washcloth while showering or bathing because the kids don't understand why their bodies don't match what their brains are telling them.

This is not the same as a little girl who wants to play with trucks and guns or a boy who likes to play with dolls. Trans kids have an innate sense that something is not right with them.

[Naomi]

(05-21-2012 08:27 AM)FindingMyWay Wrote:  I just mean that the kids I have experience with are not that self-aware.

That totally makes sense, since being transgender is fairly rare, and you're pretty unlikely to know any children who are. So it's not surprising you wouldn't have run into any kids with a disconnect between their assigned sex and gender, who need different words to describe who they are. In one way, that's the benefit of the original family sharing their story: when any of us run into a child who is explaining they are a different gender than we thought, we'll be more prepared to respond appropriately (and realize it's possible for that to happen, and believe them).

[Persnickety Polecat]

Quote:Truthfully, if one of my sons told me they wanted to be a girl, I would expect it to be because the girls got to line up first for recess or something. I just don't see in them an awareness of how drastic of a change that would really be. That doesn't mean, of course, that the child in this article is not speaking from an instinctive, deeply-rooted feeling - I just mean that the kids I have experience with are not that self-aware.

I would submit that they *are that self-aware. My boys believed they were boys even before they realized there were physical differences (we do not have daughters, so this isn't as far-fetched as it sounds, lol). Simply because their internal gender matches their external sex, we don't question it.

Quote: Sorry to annoy you. I truly believe sometimes kids are too young to know what they really want though. And I think there's a huge difference between saying a child is too young to know what they want and that an adult is too young to know what they want. A child's decision-making process is immature, they don't necessarily grasp the concepts of time and permanence, and they don't always understand that making a choice excludes the other possibilities.

I also don't agree that kids don't know what they want. Oh, in some things they may not know what is good for them or what they need, certainly, but my kids have always been very definite about what they *want. They *want the ginormous cone of pink cotton candy or the 55,000 piece Lego set. But again, I don't think this is a "decision" or a "choice" this particular child has made. Instead, it seems more as if it is simply who the child is.

If one of my children were in this situation, I would only want him to wait to make any permanent changes until he was an adult.