How did you leave?

[Lizzy F.]

I was nervous about leaving the fundy church. I didn't want to go there anymore, but I wanted to do my best to keep the friendships that I had. I tried repeatedly to meet with a friend of mine so we could talk about it, but she kept blowing me off. Eventually, I gave myself a goal date. I wanted to leave before my senior music performance.

One epic friday, I called the Pastor's wife and my friend, told them I was leaving, giving them a couple reasons. Later, the pastor called me and we had a long chat where I didn't hold much back.

My efforts to leave gracefully were wasted. My friend sent me a letter telling me that she'd meet with me only if I wanted to talk about the things I disagreed with about the church.

I got two cards from telling me I was missed.

I haven't seen any of them since, but I hear about them because they're very involved with my sibling's life.

[Darrell]

I moved away from my fundy church for a job and then just didn't join another one.

It was pretty anti-climactic.

[Faith]

I stopped going to church halfway through my senior year of HS. I didn't get kicked out of the church's school because my dad was a deacon.

[Jordan M. Poss]

(01-05-2011 07:57 PM)Darrell Wrote:  I moved away from my fundy church for a job and then just didn't join another one.

It was pretty anti-climactic.

That's pretty much what happened to me, except instead of a job it was BJU and I still go to my old church when I visit home--mainly because it's where my entire family goes and I want to be with them.

[supernova8610]

I started going to my IFB church 6 years ago. I'm in the slow process of switching churches (from IFB to non-denom). I started becoming disillusioned by my IFB church about 3 years ago, but didn't start the "church change" process til October last year.

[Abdiel]

I was raised by BJU grads but they weren't really hardcore at all but I always knew I was going to BJU. When I got out, my wife's church was IFB and I stayed with that until I went back to BJU to get my masters degree. I was laboring under delusion that the judgmental jackassery was not pervasive in all of Fundamentalism so I thought that, BJU for example, would change and even though I wasn't as extreme and didn't believe in many Fundie Distinctives I could get along and adapt.
That didn't work out. We had trouble finding a church that wasn't obnoxious, or under the thumb of BJU or not on the black list. We tried a church that was approved by the university but a couple of years in BJU blacklisted them and we had to move. We pretty much refused to go to another "approved" church. Our thought was that if the church was off the radar, not really know or attended by BJUers and not specifically forbidden by the rules perhaps we could make it that way. It never really worked and I became more and more disillusioned by inner workings and things that happened. Part of the way I dealt with this was by beginning to drink. It spiraled out of control over the next 5 years and about a year and a half ago my health crashed, I got fired and I ended up in rehab.

However, on the good side I made a change that may have taken me years to do otherwise, we now have a non-insane church at least any jackasses I work for currently aren't religiously motivated which makes it much easier.

[Smith]

How did I leave? I left Baptist Bible College East at the end of my third year (May, 1987); however, I was "gone" several weeks prior. I just couldn't handle it mentally and emotionally anymore. I found that I had more in common as well as enjoying the company of the "lost" more than the self-righteous "frozen chosen". I was sick of the fake smiles, all the guys calling each other "brother" rather than by the names their parents had given them. I was weary of the guilt laden chapel messages so much so that I burst out laughing during a tear-jerking closing illustration by a visiting big-wig preacher...the DOM was't too impressed that I thought the idea of two kids perishing from snake bites as judgment from God was something to be giddy about. I was tired of dividing my life into two realities: Life and being a Christian, there was just something so wrong about that. Finally, I didn't like the idea that who I was wasn't important to anyone, only that I agreed with THEM.

So, in May of 87 I flew home for a summer that has lasted almost 24 years. It had it's toll though. I was on a drunk for three years and after that, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin for another 10.

[Phatchick]

I'd been on the verge of leaving for several years when the last straw finally hit. I'd been getting ready to leave one sunday when I overheard a conversation between two of the men in the GARBC church i was attending. I wasn't paying a lot of attention until one of them, a man I'd until that day looked up to as one of the most caring, decent people I knew remarked that AIDS was god's punishment to gays. At the time, I had just had two friends come out of the closet, the daughter of my best friend and a man who was a member of a science fiction fan club I was in. C. had been like a second mom to me ever since I'd moved to Appleton and L. was an incredible girl who I liked a great deal. And E. was one of the most decent, giving people I'd ever know; just a couple of weeks earlier he'd spent most of the evening helping me set up my VCR and get it working. And Deacon X had just condemned them to death, without knowing a damned thing about them or how much their friendship meant to me.
The next sunday, I started getting ready for church and I just couldn't. Couldn't pretend to be the good, meek, baptist girl anymore. Couldn't handle listening to sermons that feminists and democrats and pro-choice people (when I was all three, a fact I took pains to hide) were ruining the country and good christians should hate the mention of them. Couldn't keep trying to be one thing on sundays and myself the rest of the week. I just couldn't do it anymore.
That was over two decades ago and I still have issues. While I attend my husband's lutheran church, I'm not sure I'll ever become a member and the few times I've darkened a fundy church door since I've felt like a total stranger. While I describe myself as a deist, I suspect agnostic might be closer to the mark. I believe in God, I'm just not entirely sure he believes in me.

[exIFB]

I had a screaming match in the parking lot of my church building with my Pastor at the time.

He had been away, and I had been covering for him. While he was gone, I had been preaching a lot about grace and freedom to live in His grace, things I had been learning from reading "The Green Letters". I was still very much a fundy at this time, but really questioning. His first sermon when he came back grated on me because it was all about what Christians should be doing and acting like and I had just been preaching about how that wasn't our concern, but our concern was to rest in Christ and He would accomplish the outward things that lack.

So I left straightaway after church without saying a word. Here is where it kinda gets bad though. He followed me out to thank me for covering for him. He was generally polite most of the time. I said "that's fine" and then proceeded to explain why I was leaving early (I still don't know why I did that, but looking back, I am glad I did). I talked about the focus on works, and then questioned why none was being done (He was always talking about doing this and that but never actually did anything himself). I started to get a bit teary and emotional and said something along the lines of "If it's so important to do stuff why aren't we out doorknocking every house, people are going to hell and you are more concerned with me not putting a tract in a letterbox and telling me how to be a Christian". This kind of flipped his switch, because he went from meek and quiet to tyrant, shouting at me "GET THE BEAM OUT OF YOUR OWN EYE" (because I also was not doorknocking). He started to talk to my wife, apologising to her and saying stuff like "I understand how you must feel living with this guy" (I had been having counselling sessions with the pastor because of addictions and doubts about God's salvation) - she didn't really know what to say. She did say she disagreed with him (my wife knew all about my struggles and doubts. I've never kept anything secret from her, so she thought this was a bit of a dick move).

When we left, after being screamed at publicly, my wife waas crying in the car all the way home. She never went back. However, I did - that same night (Hey, I was going to be out of the will of God if I didn't go to church). The message was by a preacherboy who came to visit from Ambassador College on his favourite topic "Why I am right and you are all wrong". The last thing the Pastor ever said to me was "God bless, see you on wednesday night Brother". I think I said "yeah". I never went back again after that.

I am glad I went back that night though. It took a lot to go back into a room with a man who had spent a few minutes in the morning screaming at me.

[supernova8610]

(01-06-2011 01:38 AM)exIFB Wrote:  I had a screaming match in the parking lot of my church building with my Pastor at the time.

He had been away, and I had been covering for him. While he was gone, I had been preaching a lot about grace and freedom to live in His grace, things I had been learning from reading "The Green Letters". I was still very much a fundy at this time, but really questioning. His first sermon when he came back grated on me because it was all about what Christians should be doing and acting like and I had just been preaching about how that wasn't our concern, but our concern was to rest in Christ and He would accomplish the outward things that lack.

So I left straightaway after church without saying a word. Here is where it kinda gets bad though. He followed me out to thank me for covering for him. He was generally polite most of the time. I said "that's fine" and then proceeded to explain why I was leaving early (I still don't know why I did that, but looking back, I am glad I did). I talked about the focus on works, and then questioned why none was being done (He was always talking about doing this and that but never actually did anything himself). I started to get a bit teary and emotional and said something along the lines of "If it's so important to do stuff why aren't we out doorknocking every house, people are going to hell and you are more concerned with me not putting a tract in a letterbox and telling me how to be a Christian". This kind of flipped his switch, because he went from meek and quiet to tyrant, shouting at me "GET THE BEAM OUT OF YOUR OWN EYE" (because I also was not doorknocking). He started to talk to my wife, apologising to her and saying stuff like "I understand how you must feel living with this guy" (I had been having counselling sessions with the pastor because of addictions and doubts about God's salvation) - she didn't really know what to say. She did say she disagreed with him (my wife knew all about my struggles and doubts. I've never kept anything secret from her, so she thought this was a bit of a dick move).

When we left, after being screamed at publicly, my wife waas crying in the car all the way home. She never went back. However, I did - that same night (Hey, I was going to be out of the will of God if I didn't go to church). The message was by a preacherboy who came to visit from Ambassador College on his favourite topic "Why I am right and you are all wrong". The last thing the Pastor ever said to me was "God bless, see you on wednesday night Brother". I think I said "yeah". I never went back again after that.

I am glad I went back that night though. It took a lot to go back into a room with a man who had spent a few minutes in the morning screaming at me.

What a despicable way for a pastor to behave. I'm so sorry he put you through that.