The price of acceptance . . .

[Mattsalley63]

You can find love and acceptance in churches like the one I left, or the ones many of you are discussing.

But that love and acceptance is conditional. It's conditional on whether or not you had an awesome "quiet time" (a term I refuse to use anymore), whether or not you are "out of yourself" all the time, whether or not you constantly share your faith (read: invite everyone you meet or make eye contact with to church or a Bible study), how many people you have in a personal Bible study and how many people you are personally involved in converting (or, "winning to Jesus".)

The worst failing of my life is the fact that I have, as of this writing, never been personally, face-to-face, involved with helping anyone become a Christian. The church I came out of used John 15, about the vine and the branches, as a metaphor for converting people--i.e. "bearing fruit" = converting people--and if you didn't do it, you'd be cut off.

At the church I attend now, there isn't the pressure to convert people. It's just assumed that it will happen naturally through caring relationships. But even there, I feel like an outsider. I can divide the vast majority of people there into six groups: 1. those who grew up in my denomination, 2. those who were/are involved in our church's preschool, either through working there or sending their kids there, 3. those who were/are involved in a large Christian school in the area, either by having attended there, worked there, or sending their kids there, 4. those who were/are involved with several Christian colleges, either by having attended there or by having kids who are/did/will attend there, 5. those who are involved in our outreach to addicts ministry, either by being a mentor or one being mentored, and 6. those who are related by blood or marriage to another member of my congregation.

I fit NONE of those categories.

My son has autism. Yesterday was the deadline for the youth group to turn in their applications if they wanted to go on a mission trip this summer. I don't forsee my son doing this anytime soon, simply because he's just not ready. It's yet one more way in which we're set apart from everyone else. No one, thank God, is pressuring us to get our son involved in a mission trip.

Yesterday we had a missions bake sale. We contributed two loaves of banana bread and a loaf of berry bread, and I spent $12 and bought a plateful of brownies. I figure that if we can't send a child, the next best thing is for us to help send other kids.

When does it stop? When does this feeling of non-acceptance, of being on the outside, ever stop?

[Don]

Quote:When does it stop? When does this feeling of non-acceptance, of being on the outside, ever stop?

As long as you are in Fundyland it won't. In Fundyland you can never know when you have done enough, been good enough, prayed enough, and kept all the rules enough to be "in" and accepted. The Thought Police are constantly judging everything you do, weighing your actions, attitudes, and motives and finding them wanting.
Worse yet, you will find you are doing the same to yourself and always find you are coming up short, so you re-double your efforts only to find you don't have the energy to pull it all off. Your best will never be good enough... and the guilt and burden of not being all the way "in" will eat at you like a cancer.
So, no, as long as you are in the Fundie bunker/cult it will never stop.

[Lizzy F.]

Quote:My son has autism. Yesterday was the deadline for the youth group to turn in their applications if they wanted to go on a mission trip this summer. I don't forsee my son doing this anytime soon, simply because he's just not ready. It's yet one more way in which we're set apart from everyone else. No one, thank God, is pressuring us to get our son involved in a mission trip.

Don is right, you're not going to find acceptance in a Fundy church. Your son is not going to find acceptance either.

I have Auditory Processing Disorder, which means I have a hard time processing speech and I have problems speaking. I also have problems with my knees that keep me from wearing dress shoes.

I received NO understanding from my fundy church. When I had language problems they thought it was funny. They thought I was anti-social because I wasn't on fire for God. When I wore sneakers they thought I was disrespecting the church.

Dealing with these issues is a LOT of work. If you're not getting support (or at least some understanding) about how hard it is to raise your son, then they're not going to treat your son with much understanding either.

And it's OK if you've never "lead" someone to Christ. Leading people to salvation isn't the only "fruit". There's patience, love, kindness, gentleness, self-control, etc. All of which are shown when you care for your son.

[Mattsalley63]

(02-07-2011 10:39 AM)Lizzy F. Wrote:  

Quote:My son has autism. Yesterday was the deadline for the youth group to turn in their applications if they wanted to go on a mission trip this summer. I don't forsee my son doing this anytime soon, simply because he's just not ready. It's yet one more way in which we're set apart from everyone else. No one, thank God, is pressuring us to get our son involved in a mission trip.

Don is right, you're not going to find acceptance in a Fundy church. Your son is not going to find acceptance either.

I have Auditory Processing Disorder, which means I have a hard time processing speech and I have problems speaking. I also have problems with my knees that keep me from wearing dress shoes.

I received NO understanding from my fundy church. When I had language problems they thought it was funny. They thought I was anti-social because I wasn't on fire for God. When I wore sneakers they thought I was disrespecting the church.

Dealing with these issues is a LOT of work. If you're not getting support (or at least some understanding) about how hard it is to raise your son, then they're not going to treat your son with much understanding either.

And it's OK if you've never "lead" someone to Christ. Leading people to salvation isn't the only "fruit". There's patience, love, kindness, gentleness, self-control, etc. All of which are shown when you care for your son.

Most of my problems are leftovers from my days in the church I was part of. The people at my current church do accept my son; they love him and they're glad he's there. One of the women there volunteers her time to work with him one on one during the time in the youth group.

It's just very easy to project onto people what I think they think, and I'm not always sure how much is truth and how much is just projection from my old churches.

[JimE]

Acceptance is not love.
Participation is only support.
Performance leads to fatigue.
The relationship is one way. This is true for most organizations, not just fundy churches. Looking for love from an orgainization is like looking for water in the desert.
Look for love from individuals. Individuals that have the time, energy, and resources to express that love.
I just look for love from my God, mom, dad, wife, and children.
Sad, but true.

[elfdream]

I would advise getting involved in a community group of some kind. A place where you have no history and can start from the beginning. I found acceptance in the Boy Scouts of all places! My husband started working for them and I tagged along for meetings and right now I'm really involved. My skills and positive traits have been encourage and recognized. I have more self confidence now than I ever have. Outside of church.

Now I hope to this new found confidence and new self image to my new church. They know nothing about me and I am starting over from square one. I didn't know my own strength before this because everyone always underestimated me.

I don't know if there are any local autism groups where you are but if you are not involved in one of those perhaps you might look into that.

[Lizzy F.]

(02-07-2011 10:54 AM)Mattsalley63 Wrote:  The people at my current church do accept my son; they love him and they're glad he's there. One of the women there volunteers her time to work with him one on one during the time in the youth group.

Cool!

Quote:It's just very easy to project onto people what I think they think, and I'm not always sure how much is truth and how much is just projection from my old churches.

(((Hugs))) It's hard to deal with triggers.

Even when I thought that I'd left a lot of this stuff behind me, this site brings something up and I get a "I still think that way" moment.

[Mattsalley63]

(02-07-2011 11:33 AM)elfdream Wrote:  I would advise getting involved in a community group of some kind. A place where you have no history and can start from the beginning.

You're going to laugh at me for saying this . . .

I have actually considered packing up and moving to another country for that very reason. No history, and I can start over. I'm also fed up with the bickering and fighting in this country and I see no way I can make a difference.

Problem is, 1. my husband doesn't agree with me, and 2. our son has a decent support system here and I don't want to take him away from it.

[pastor's wife]

(02-08-2011 11:52 AM)Natalie Wrote:  Mattsalley, I'm sending you huge hugs!

I know that feeling. You try and try to feel a part of something, but don't. Don is right. No matter how much you do, its not enough. Even though people use the phrase "church family", your church isn't your family. Family will be with you long after you leave the church, they don't forget you or replace you, and you don't have to do anything to earn their love.

I wish everyone's family was like that. I have a sister who never contacts me or my children in any way, not even writing on my facebook wall or responding when I write on hers.

We don't want to go to any more of my husband's family events because he has a brother in law who will not even respond when my husband talks directly to him.

"You don't have to do anything to earn their love." Not true for many people, and for some, they never loved us in the first place.

Sorry to be a downer, but sometimes family can crush and destroy you as thoroughly as any church can.

[fundyvangelicalcatholic]

There is no scripture ANYWHERE these people can use to justify their actions. What about Jesus? What did He do? He ate with sinners, he associated with those who were on the fringe of society. He beckoned the little children to come to him. No where ever do we find that Christ was a smug, arrogant jerk who only hung out with people who fit His mold. Jesus was an everyman who just happend to be diety in human flesh. These actions are TOTALLY unacceptable. I will pray for you that you find a church where you and your son will be accepted and find the true love of Christ!