How To Date Just Fundy Enough® - for Women

[Arch Radish]

Dating. For so long in Fundystan, it was THE D-word. The mother of all whoredoms and abominations. The desecration of desolate hearts. The last battleground conquered by Saint Joshua of Harris who banished it with an holy kiss forever and ever amen. With the rise of the Old Paths of Courtship and Betrothal, the Beast of Dating was forever made obsolete.

However, if you are a young lady who...

• ...was unable to attain her MRS degree in Fundy U due to career concerns, lack of accreditation, lack of non-study time, being socialed, etc…
• …had her engagement broken off by a preacher boy who felt a sudden calling to become closer to his Young Men’s ministry…
• …was unable to find any stalwart young men who wouldn’t run away from such biblical terms as “courtship” based on their own personal experiences…
• …has had a courtship that has somehow failed to end in marriage and is henceforth emotionally impure…
• …is otherwise over the age of 19 and has STILL not found a husband…
  

…dating may actually be an option for you!

But how, you ask? You may wear pants once in a while and you may know the words to one or more Beatles songs, but deep down, you know that the Fundies have had it right all along. There are still some things that they may not have gotten right in practice, but they had it all nailed down in theory! Yes, you can date, and still be Just Fundy Enough® to get away without having the wrath of God being rained down on your unguarded heart by following the simple principles in this series. So, let’s go right into…

PROBLEM 1: Guarding Your Heart.
…guard your heart… - Prov. 4:23

Dating can be a minefield of emotional intimacy and heartbreak. There is nothing more uncomfortable or inconvenient for a young woman than to let her heart fall into a relationship with a young man who is just salivating to gnash it with his teeth until he claims his piece of her finite love. It is an uncontested Biblical principle that love is a finite resource and should only be given to those who are worthy of it in our eyes.

So, what is a Pure Young Lady to do while dating? Never fear, you can be Just Fundy Enough® if you…

SOLUTION TO PROBLEM 1: Never become emotionally intimate with ANYONE.

Renowned fundamentalist C.S. Lewis said it best when he said ”…Love anything and your heart will be …broken…give it to no one, not even an animal…” And this holds true today. Throughout the dating process, you will be tempted to open up your deepest thoughts, fears, desires, and plans for the future to the one whom you are in the relationship with. THIS IS A SNARE AND A TOOL OF THE DEVIL HIMSELF TO GET YOU TO GIVE AWAY A PIECE OF YOUR HEART. Be not deceived! Anytime you feel the need to let your guard down and be yourself with a man, quickly change the subject. Become as cold and aloof as necessary.*

“But isn’t the idea of dating to become familiar with the man I’m interested in to see if I want to spend the rest of my life with him?”

Ha ha ha! How droll and naïve of you, you silly woman! You may think that, but every man out there is thinking something far different. If you have watched ANY Lifetime Original Movies**, you know that men are just looking for an excuse to cheat on you, rape you, make you feel inferior, or worse still: destroy your Emotional Purity! Dating gives them every excuse to work their dark powers of manhood against you as you enjoy fattening yourself with the dainties of a hearty Cheesecake Factory meal. It is an undeniable Biblical principle that all men are animals and will hurt you unless you Guard Your Heart.

Therefore, all remaining issues brought up in this series will be addressed with the key focus of Guarding Your Heart. Because Emotional Purity is the only thing that matters in a relationship.

*This does not mean, however, that you should allow your man to engage in the same behavior. Ask many deep, probing questions about his innermost thoughts, desires, and shortcomings constantly. If he refuses to answer, RED FLAG! He doesn’t know how to communicate with you.
**It is perfectly okay for Christian women to watch the Lifetime network for academic purposes only. However, avoid from doing so in the presence of a man, since the subject matter of many Lifetime shows tends to be sexual in nature and men are turned on primarily by sight, whereas women lack this trigger entirely.

[Arch Radish]

Writer's Note: This series is spawned out of personal experience from a recent series of bad relationships with young ladies who had shunned the "courtship" scene, but tried to bring the same principles into a traditional "dating" relationship with hilariously bad results. The tone is, naturally, satirical and therapeutic. It may be just a new phenomenon I've noticed and no one else has, in which case I'll just shut up. But if it brings a chuckle or two, I might keep adding to it.

EDIT: And just to head off any cries of misogyny at the pass since I am male, trust me when I say that this is far from my intention. However, if Bill Gothard can write authoritatively on women's fashions and roles despite never being within 50 feet of one, I figure I have as much cred as he does to write a fundy-view guide for the fairer sex. It's surprisingly not that hard to do, and even less so when you don't know what you're talking about.

[Tiarali]

I visited a fundy friend recently and saw "I kissed dating goodbye" on a coffee table in her lounge room. I was sad.

[bean]

That book was promoted by various members of our former church. Sadly, there was a day about 7 or 8 years ago when I would have bought one and told my daughter she wasn't dating. DD is 16, and is a great kid...Not really interested seriously in dating yet. But thankfully, if she wants to date a boy pappa will not stand in her way. (Unless the kid is a real punk. )

[Away-From-The-Umbrella]

(12-26-2011 09:50 PM)Arch Radish Wrote:  EDIT: And just to head off any cries of misogyny at the pass since I am male, trust me when I say that this is far from my intention. However, if Bill Gothard can write authoritatively on women's fashions and roles despite never being within 50 feet of one, I figure I have as much cred as he does to write a fundy-view guide for the fairer sex. It's surprisingly not that hard to do, and even less so when you don't know what you're talking about.

Bill Gothard and Joshua Harris are the misogynists imho.

Courtship pretty much requires a young lady live with her parents until she marries. After all, how can you court if you live away from Mommy and Daddy? How can they orchestrate your future if you do not remain completely under their thumb in their household?

Great posts! This courtship garbage damages people.

For a horrible example of courtship and patriarchal family dysfunction read this blog:

http://thecommandmentsofmen.blogspot.com...t-one.html

[Apathetic or whatever]

I met Joshua Harris once. He took me aside and imparted some words of wisdom to me. I wish I could remember what they were. At the time I thought they were good but now I would probably just groan. Oh well.

[pastor's wife]

I like the satire! Well-written.

I'm thankful that I missed the courtship trend. I was dating and married looong before Joshua Harris came along, and my children are still too young to date. Also in our fundy-lite circles people may have read the book for some principles but didn't buy into the whole thing.

That whole "emotional purity" thing bugs me. Yes, there's danger in becoming emotionally involved with the wrong person, and you can suffer lots of pain when you become close and then the relationship doesn't work out, but it's NOT the same as fornication and it is NOT a sin to share your thoughts and dreams with someone of the opposite sex.

[mirandaluzdivina]

I'm also bothered by the "emotional purity" thing; it sounds like you're trying to lure a unicorn. I dare say that growing up fundy is enough to void your "emotional purity" long before you ever reach dating age! And no man or woman who is worth your while will be scared off by the fact that you've had a broken heart or two. Yes, it's horrible and painful at the time, but we all need to experience those feelings in order to learn how to confront them. That's life!

[Arch Radish]

(12-26-2011 11:35 PM)Away-From-The-Umbrella Wrote:  For a horrible example of courtship and patriarchal family dysfunction read this blog:

http://thecommandmentsofmen.blogspot.com...t-one.html

Holy hole-in-a-donut. That story is almost exactly the same sequence of events that occurred in my last relationship. Good to know I didn't find the only crazies in the world.

Most of what I'm going to lampoon is based on actual situations I've found myself in with pseudo-fundy women. The names have been changed and the absurdities have been ultra-absurded for your pleasure. That said, it's hard to top that guy's story. Here's to you, bro. *pours out a 40 of leftover eggnog in his honor.*

[boymom]

I love Guybrush Threepwood.