What's up with all the teen drug use and pregnancies in fundy churches?

[notreallyfundy]

I've noticed that most of the kids who have grown up in my church (the ones whose families were involved in everything, the "core of the church" type people) have been involved in drug use and drug dealing, alcohol abuse (drunken driving arrests/accidents), pre-marital sex (many babies born to unwed teens/20somethings), and criminal activity such as stealing, breaking and entering, etc.

I've also noticed that the kids who grew up in families that weren't necessarily the "core of the church" but went to church most Sundays and were much more moderate on all things fundy, managed to get through adolescence without getting into too much trouble and without criminal records.

Have any of you noticed this as a trend in your churches?

Why do you think this is? Is it because the ultra strict homes likely place an emphasis on rules and the externals and neglect the condition of the heart, so these kids aren't saved to begin with? Or are the parents too busy with things of the church to really pay attention and parent their children? These kids seem to put on a great facade in the church, but their lives outside the church are much worse than many so called unsaved and "worldly" people that I know.

I should add that my church is fundy but not as extreme as many of the churches mentioned on this site--there are rules for ministry workers and dress codes for activities, KJVO, no drums, etc... but the pastor doesn't get involved in anyone's personal life or dictate what members do on their own time.

[Presbygirl]

IMO, the extreme focus on externals, combined with negligent parenting, because the hard-core IFB parents are always at church; leads to children learning to live the same duplicitous lives that their parents are leading.

And then surprise, their children are involved in many harmful activities. Some children seek these activities for validation, some for attention, some because they are bored and neglected. It's terribly sad, and negligent parenting violates scripture in the first degree. Relationships are everything. First with God, then with with our family and lastly church. Many children have learned by example that they are not important. It stands to reason that following Christ is going to be a tough sell when parents are only following a church and it's rules and being deeply involved in their children's lives but just carting them to church instead. I think that's why the group of people you mention that are not in the church all the time and "semi-worldly" are doing much better than their "super-churched" peers. It's just not real and children can spot fake and insincerity a mile away.

We were made for relationships. God started with Himself by being in a relationship with Himself in the Trinity.

[pastor's wife]

Well said, Presbygirl.

As you said, notreallyfundy, overemphasis on externals often neglects the heart. This focus on man-made rules also often produces pride in those who are in the inner circle, the core of the church. They separate themselves from others and feel superior to others. This pride breeds all sorts of other sins like selfishness, instant gratification, and feeding the flesh. The actual fruit they should be showing - love, joy, peace, etc. - is replaced by man's rules - be at church, go on youth retreats, wear the right clothes, carry the right Bible to church. The latter rules, while restrictive, CAN be kept on one's own, but the fruit of the Spirit cannot be manufactured through self-effort. God's Spirit produces them in us. Humility causes us to take a good look at ourselves and realize that we're actually often petty, angry, and selfish; we repent, rejoice in forgiveness, and focusing on Christ, allow HIM to change our hearts.

I definitely think the pride that develops when you hold yourself aloof and consider yourself superior to others results in all kinds of wickedness until ironically the very people who claim to be "holiest" are indulging in the worst sins.

The only remedy for this is repentance, humility, and transparency where church members stop judging each other and start loving each other.

[Scorpio]

I think part of it is the "forbidden fruit" syndrome. Tell someone they can't do something or have something, and they want it all the more. The kids of the "hard-core" fundys have been told their whole life about how bad and evil EVERYTHING outside of church is.
Then, when they get to a certain age, curiosity creeps in. And they try something on the forbidden list (like a beer or kissing someone etc.) and realize that they didn't immediately burn up in an eternal flame. And then they go off the deep end.
There is no balanced approach of instilling into children WHY something may not be good for them. It's part of the black/white thinking of fundies.

[pastor's wife]

Yeah, that's true too: an inability to have balance or to be moderate. It's always all or nothing, either you're a soul-winning, KJV-only, dedicated true believer or you're a backslidden follower of Satan. When there's no leeway at all, slip a little and kids may decide just to go all the way.

[Scorpio]

(11-11-2011 12:00 PM)pastors wife Wrote:  .....slip a little and kids may decide just to go all the way.

And that's when bad things can happen. And I hesitate to use the term "bad things" when it relates to an unwed pregancy. Yes it would be wonderful if all children were born to parents who truly love each other and will be married 'till death do us part". But children are born out of wedlock and every child is a gift from God. What is that verse about God knowing you before you were born and all the hairs on your head?
Rather than celebrating a life fundies will shun their children AND grandchildren from an out of wedlock pregancy. It is a shame. I have seen it happen where the 20-something year old daughter of the pastor was forbidden from attending church after gettting pregnant.

Wow I got sidetracked there. Yes bad things (like arrests and drug use etc.) will happen because they never were told the consequences of their actions. That is actually lazy parenting. It is hard to have those dicussions with children. So much easier to throw Bible verses at them.

[notreallyfundy]

(11-11-2011 12:00 PM)pastors wife Wrote:  . When there's no leeway at all, slip a little and kids may decide just to go all the way.

I agree with this. I remember a fundy friend "falling into sins" such as listening to rock music, socially drinking, going to clubs, failing to attend each and every church service, and basically thinking for himself and figuring out things for himself during his early college years. I remember his parents were concerned for his spiritual condition, and he told me that he felt like he was already sinning but hadn't hit bottom yet so he felt like since he was already involved in sin, he needed to hit bottom and really be sinful before repenting. Kind of an all or nothing mindset I guess. He'd already slipped according to his parents' standards, so he needed to 'wallow in sin' before repenting.

[DaisyDeadhead]

(11-11-2011 08:30 AM)notreallyfundy Wrote:  I've noticed that most of the kids who have grown up in my church (the ones whose families were involved in everything, the "core of the church" type people) have been involved in drug use and drug dealing, alcohol abuse (drunken driving arrests/accidents), pre-marital sex (many babies born to unwed teens/20somethings), and criminal activity such as stealing, breaking and entering, etc.

I've also noticed that the kids who grew up in families that weren't necessarily the "core of the church" but went to church most Sundays and were much more moderate on all things fundy, managed to get through adolescence without getting into too much trouble and without criminal records.

Have any of you noticed this as a trend in your churches?

Why do you think this is? Is it because the ultra strict homes likely place an emphasis on rules and the externals and neglect the condition of the heart, so these kids aren't saved to begin with? Or are the parents too busy with things of the church to really pay attention and parent their children? These kids seem to put on a great facade in the church, but their lives outside the church are much worse than many so called unsaved and "worldly" people that I know.

I should add that my church is fundy but not as extreme as many of the churches mentioned on this site--there are rules for ministry workers and dress codes for activities, KJVO, no drums, etc... but the pastor doesn't get involved in anyone's personal life or dictate what members do on their own time.

When I found her room empty and the window open in the dead of night, I dragged my then-16-year-old daughter to the doctor, POSTHASTE. Feminism took over and Catholicism went on the back burner. IMMEDIATELY.

NO BABIES. We were obviously way past the point of arguing. I had one thing on my mind: No. Babies. No. Abortions. No.

Consequently, she didn't have children until she was married. I take full credit for being sensible at a time that I was near-hysterical over her behavior.

But see, that gave her time... she came out of it, eventually. She didn't need the further "punishment" of unwed motherhood, and I saw that clearly.

I think many fundie parents will not do damage control. Not sure why. Admitting failure? Against the dogma? I dunno, but I remember several people tsk-tsked to me, about the birth control pills, and their kids all had babies since.

I did right, in a time of trial, and I think not being fundie, made it a clear choice for me in ways that being a fundie prohibits.

If that makes sense?

[captain_solo]

(11-11-2011 12:00 PM)pastors wife Wrote:  Yeah, that's true too: an inability to have balance or to be moderate. It's always all or nothing, either you're a soul-winning, KJV-only, dedicated true believer or you're a backslidden follower of Satan. When there's no leeway at all, slip a little and kids may decide just to go all the way.

I actually had an authority figure tell me, "well if you are going to put your toe into The World like that you may as well jump in all the way"

My response? A beautiful double front dive with a 1/4 turn from the pike position

Its not only an unbalanced message, its not true, so it undermines every other argument or valid concern the authority has.

[Monipenny]

From my experience as one of 6 children growing up in a blended fundy home. The fundy approach to parenting is dysfunctional, the kids see the hypocricy, how does a child deal with "do as I say, not as I do" and get beat for everything. One parent was the total hypocrite but loving, the other parent was totally un-loving but consistant. This fundy family style destroyed my 3 older siblings who were incredibly rebellious as a result, one commited suicide at the age of 16.