Dating an Non-Evangelical (but still Christian)

[Tony Mel]

(04-26-2011 10:17 PM)Innocent Lamb Wrote:  First of all, I would suggest being less concerned with what your church thinks you should do, and more concerned with what your heart tells you to do. I'd suspect if you are "worrying" about it, there may be a valid reason and it would be wise to figure out what that is. Don't discount your gut feelings.

Some call this the GULP factor. If your initial response to a given possibility is one of internal alert, it is not wise to ignore, repress or rationalize away this signal. If you do, you will regret it later.

I speak from experience.

[LMcC]

(04-26-2011 12:00 PM)IFB No More Wrote:  Hi SFLers, I'm asking for some helpful advice here.

Right now, I'm starting to get interested in some ladies, and I'm intending to ask one of them out, start a r/s etc etc. It's casual first, we're only gonna get serious if our cards are right.

The problem is I am not sure should my r/s get real, what will my present church (not IFB, but Reformed Baptist) say. They don't care much about my choice of a partner but I am expected to date a believer. That will be simple to meet, but they're of the conservative evangelical type - I don't think they'll consider Catholics as believers and they'll cast those charismatic-mega-church girls with some suspicion as well.

Some girls I like are Catholic, some come from those prosperity-gospel megachurches, some have nominal Christian backgrounds.

Am I worrying too much (having a fundy background makes me so worrisome!) or do I have genuine concerns over here? Thanks.

I'm going to come from this from her perspective, sort of. I'm the one who said up front before Hubby and I got engaged that my beliefs were changing and that I could not be SBC anymore.

Can you handle loving someone who is not in your church and does not want to be, or are you going to pressure her to go your way? Hubby didn't want to lose me. I gave him the chance to run with no reprisals when I laid my belief changes out on the table for him, and he did not take it. Unfortunately, he wasn't exactly honest about supporting me, but instead was afraid that he'd be a "bad testimony" and "turn [me] against Baptists forever" if he let me go. Under the guise of a "conviction" that husbands and wives must go to church together, coupled with a dislike of any church different from what he knows, he has made it impossible for me to find a church I can call home. If you can't take her as she is, do the right thing by her and let her go before things get too serious.

If you can deal with it, are you both willing to have honest conversations about your faith and learn what the other believes? Are you both willing to explain to your friends about what the other believes? Would you even be willing to go to church with her occasionally, and maybe even change to her church if the situation called for it? Maybe your attraction to people outside your congregation is a sign that you need something different. Maybe taking time to learn about what groups outside your own believe and actually going to different churches is something you need to do while you are still single.

[Innocent Lamb]

(04-27-2011 09:40 AM)Tony Mel Wrote:  

(04-26-2011 10:17 PM)Innocent Lamb Wrote:  First of all, I would suggest being less concerned with what your church thinks you should do, and more concerned with what your heart tells you to do. I'd suspect if you are "worrying" about it, there may be a valid reason and it would be wise to figure out what that is. Don't discount your gut feelings.

Some call this the GULP factor. If your initial response to a given possibility is one of internal alert, it is not wise to ignore, repress or rationalize away this signal. If you do, you will regret it later.

I speak from experience.

Yes! Sometimes I think our subconscious recognizes things that our mind is not ready, or able, to process.

[pastor's wife]

It's really important to know how you plan to raise your children too (always taking into account that people may change, as others have pointed out, so there's no guarantees in life).

You may not mind attending a mass with your girlfriend, but you may not want your children confirmed in the Catholic church. You might not mind going to a charismatic service but not want your children encouraged to speak in tongues. Sometimes it's easier to accept certain beliefs in another adult, but be uncomfortable having those beliefs taught to your own children.

[IFB No More]

Okay, I have no big concerns except this one - I just am afraid of the possibility of church discipline if I marry a non-evangelical. Having joined this church as a member - I am spiritually accountable to the people there. Should I take in a non-evangelical (such as Catholic) girl to worship I do not know what the reactions of the folks there will be like. While most people have not talked anything about Catholics, a few elders made some passing anti-Catholic comments (e.g. they're not Christian because they worship Mary, they're apostate etc).

But they will have no problems with a "Protestant" regardless of denomination. In fact I am just expected to date a believer - I am not expected to date a fellow reformed girl given how small the reformed movement is and also cos' this is one of the more open "reformed" churches here - it's more like New Calvinist - I can't say the same for some other reformed churches we fellowship with however.

Perhaps I am worrying too much - as a result of my fundy days... maybe? But I say these because I do not want to deal with the possibility of a break-up late in a r/s because I do not know how to handle it. Apparently the girl I like she and her whole family is a Catholic household. I don't consider myself the rabid anti-Catholic Puritan (and certainly fundy) type anymore, I'm more of a classical Protestant who happens to be reformed.

LMcC, like I said, I joined this church in a hurry, after receiving assurances from the leadership they are not fundy, and some observations for awhile that ascertain that. I joined because I wanted to get out of fundyland as quick as possible. If you ask why I didn't join another church, because I was still fundy-lite when I quit IFBdom and I was worried joining any church more liberal than this one will make me get hunted down by the fundys. But now, I realized that I've changing so much, I'm even criticizing "evangelicalism" now constantly.

For now, I'm just focusing on expanding my social circle so I can meet more people. And if I pursue a r/s with that girl it'll be casual only until we can get this faith part okay. That is all I have to say. It's time to break off the chains of insularism that fundyism instilled in me.

[JordanMaria]

(04-28-2011 11:18 AM)IFB No More Wrote:  Okay, I have no big concerns except this one - I just am afraid of the possibility of church discipline if I marry a non-evangelical.

Church discipline for dating someone they might not approve of? That totally doesn't sound fundy to me. It's not even a sin so they would have no right to even apply CD. IMHO, if you're in a church thinks it has the right to get involved with people you date, it's time to find another church.

Good luck with everything. Break those chains!!!

[amyrose5]

(04-28-2011 01:03 PM)JordanMaria Wrote:  Church discipline for dating someone they might not approve of? That totally doesn't sound fundy to me. It's not even a sin so they would have no right to even apply CD. IMHO, if you're in a church thinks it has the right to get involved with people you date, it's time to find another church.

Good luck with everything. Break those chains!!!

^^This.

[Alecta]

I would ask if dating another Christian was really that super-important, but from what you've said, it seems that it is high on your requirements list. That's fine. However, because Christianity is such a broad spectrum, you need to find a few key things which are most important to you. It shouldn't so much be about the name of their beliefs as how they carry them out. Write down a list of good characteristics you want, even Bible verses which describe the type of beliefs or characteristics which are highly important. Don't narrow your search to just a specific group, but narrow it to specific ways of believing, that way, no matter what denomination they claim, you can know if they're fully in-line with your mindset. Also, some of the best relationships challenge you. I'm a liberal-leaning moderate Pirate Partier and have wound up with a right-wing Tea Partier. He constantly challenges my beliefs and I challenge his, and it creates an amazing dialog.

However, also remember that who we say we want and who we end up with are often very, very far apart. Malcolm Gladwell writes about this in his book Blink. Be open to new experiences and new types of people. Someone might surprise you.

[LMcC]

(04-28-2011 11:18 AM)IFB No More Wrote:  LMcC, like I said, I joined this church in a hurry, after receiving assurances from the leadership they are not fundy, and some observations for awhile that ascertain that. I joined because I wanted to get out of fundyland as quick as possible. If you ask why I didn't join another church, because I was still fundy-lite when I quit IFBdom and I was worried joining any church more liberal than this one will make me get hunted down by the fundys. But now, I realized that I've changing so much, I'm even criticizing "evangelicalism" now constantly.

No offense meant, but I have to laugh because I've done the same thing with church, and I know how crazy the changes in one's own faith can be so I'm not going to criticize you for where you are currently. None whatsoever. If anything, I sympathize with you waaaaay too much

After the great exit from Fundyland, I limited myself to the SBC at first. Years later, when I decided to leave the SBC, I still played it a little too conservatively and wound up right back in a stealth SBC church (they called it "nondenominational" and "emerging"). That's where Hubby and I married. Unfortunately, between his desire to stay as close to the SBC as possible and his desire to get in a church and join one right away instead of "church-shop", we ended up in a church that doesn't quite fit either of our needs. You're still single, so instead of worrying about how your current church will accept a date from outside its walls, it could be well worth your time to go check out some churches outside your comfort zone. I had a brief period when I got to do exactly that while Hubby was in a men's group, and it was a blast. Maybe the first places to start are the churches your female friends attend?

Since you said you liked some charismatics, check out the Vineyard churches. Be warned: They can either be really good (like the one in St Louis) or really crazy (like one of the two in Nashville). There are good Charismatic/Pentecostal churches out there. AFA the Catholic issue: Would you consider an Anglican or Episcopal church (same style of worship, but Anglicans are generally the more conservative of the two)? Just tossing a few ideas your way.

[Elijah Craig]

I am reluctant at this point to put myself in a situation where I can be judged by and held accountable to a church that would discipline me for something that is not clearly sin. I gave too many years of my life away to go back to that any time soon.