Milltown Pride

[Abdiel]

Here is a dedicated thread to the dreadful mess of a film that is:

Milltown Pride: Every town had a mill. Every mill had a team.
(In a related story: Milltown Pride nominated for worst movie tagline...EVAH!)
Here's what we can tell about it from the trailer.
The son of a portly southerner likes to slide unconvincingly into base and awkwardly run into muddy streams (while holding a rope suspended from a tree limb for no readily apparent reason).

The portly father disapproves of these shennanagans and is suitably stern, repremanding him in a voice that carries very well from the stage but seems a bit unnecessarily projected and enunciated for a project that uses microphones.

Our hero plays baseball by himself and still somehow gets good at it....well at least as good enough to play on some kind of a recreational baseball league formed as an excuse to get away from the local Mill worker's screaming shrew wives and illiterate children for a few evenings a week. The drudgery and dispair of the men who work in virtual indentured servitude for the mills in the non-union south is not simply glossed over but lovingly frosted with glucose. The golden aura of the good ole days conjures no images of the illiteracy and domestic violence rampant in these communities.

When the even more portly manager of the local mill baseball team notices his amazing baseball talents he is offered a place on the team so long as he takes a job in the mill in defiance of his annoyingly strict but ultimately honerable father who knows best. (See what they did there?)

This leads the young man to drink water out of mason jars much to the consternation of everyone. Later, after apparently getting tanked up on sasparellas our young "Natural" does something naughty enough to be scoffed at by the excuse for a villian of the piece, a sweaty young man with whom our hero exchanges a meaningful glance and witty exchange earlier in the trailer...(Well actually he just sort of gets stunned to silence after being told by this lout that he's not good enough to play on a team that is about one step above a church softball league....but it's all we got.)

Our hero meets the close relative of a BJU board member, an attractive girl who manages to be pretty yet almost entirely without any sense of allure as she plays the dual role of "wet blanket" and "eventual prize". Our hero takes it truly on faith that behind her plantive voice and condecendingly self-righteous comments there might be some hidden charms that will one day make her endurable as a first ex-wife.
Our scene changes to a church hosting an antique car show, that apparently spent all it's money on exterior brick with a modest cafe-gym-atorium as the main venue.
Inside, the legendary Billy Sunday is holding a rather more subdued service that is generally reported as being given by him. The CGI created congregation is almost lifelike as they sit perfectly still and mimic the energy and joy of a typical Fundie church.
Meanwhile, the heroine gives our Hometown Homerun Hero "Hey, he's talking about you." looks with subtle acting nuances that reacall such performances as Kirsten Stewat, Miley Cyrus and a young Tori (I'm only an actress because my father was Aaron) Spelling.

All possibilities for suspense are then removed as we cut to scenes from the inevitable "big game". Lots of embarassingly staged cheering ensues showing what is indesputedly a happy ending. Viewers will have to to wait for the official release to see the bad guy react to his rival's success and slam his glove on the ground while saying something like "Cornstarch it!" as he slinks away or perhsaps realize the error of his ways and ask our hero to read some bible passages with him.
No word yet on whether the hero's team wins the big game or if we have a fantastic twist ending where he may lose the game but finds that through Billy Sunday's message he's a winner after all.

Comparisons will immediately be made between this film and other sports films. Mostly comparisons like: "You know that film 'The Natural'....that was awesome. This sucks."

Perhaps though it is more fair to compare this film with works like "Fireproof". We can do that too. "You know how that movie 'Fireproof' actually kinda sucked but was just so much better than almost any other Christian movie and had such a nice message that people went all ape-$hit over it? Well this movie sucks."

On a scale of stars I give it one cold, crashed to earth meteorite out of 5 possible stars and two thumbs placed in thumb screws quite willingly to keep me from having to watch it all the way through.

Preview audience comments:

"It's probably not as bad as you think." -- The Director

"It probably is as bad as you think but you should buy a copy to support Fundie-Christian film."-- The Producer

"I think it's wrong to gripe about things put out by Christians that aren't new-evangelical, emergent or contemporary....so I think it's great." -- Local Pastor

"Just two choices on the shelf watching this movie or pleasing self!"--The A.P.C you had as a freshman

"This will make a great parting gift for departing faculty and staff....welll they can get a copy at 30% off when they turn in their Campus ID."--Bookstore Manager

"Even without Kirk Cameron it was awesome! Maybe they can get him for the sequel!"--Shipped kid who came back and has all the Left Behind books.

"I liked the historically accurate depiction of South Carolina before the black people got here." -- Grand Dragon of Lodge #29614

"I'd like to see it again. I hope they release it on VHS!" -Local Pastor's Kid.