How do you choose a new church?

[Tiarali]

Alright, I left the IFB about six months ago, although the trouble started last November. Started attending church again about three months ago. To start with we went to a Salvation Army church. My reasoning was; I'd just split from my husband and been treated badly by the IFB, and figured the Salvos would at least look after us.

They were very nice, but there weren't a lot of people there - coming out of IFB I don't have many friends so I needed a place with some people around my age. There also weren't a lot of things for kids. In the end, they were lovely people but it just didn't feel right.

Went to a charismatic church cause a friend dragged me there for a ladies' conference - just went to one evening service. I've been going to a mother's group during the week since. There are some things I don't like about this church. I'm not comfortable with the tongues (and there was a healing service once but it's not all the time) and they teach on tithing which really, really bugs me.

But I love the music and there is a focus on Jesus loving me and grace and things that I really feel I need to focus on right now. There are some kids activities and social activities for adults, some with babysitting provided, some I need to sort it out. The people seem very nice.

I'm at the point of thinking there is no perfect church. I will disagree with every church on something probably and I just need to find a place I can grow and feel accepted. I'm happy to attend a church I have some differences with, but I'm worried that I will be kept a second class citizen because I do, if that makes sense. I haven't heard anything at this church which would make me feel that; just I know I wouldn't be able to serve at my last church if I was openly defying them (I didn't join the church because I knew I wouldn't stop listening to secular music). I know the message at this church is - well at the moment there is a focus on some things I need to hear, at least while I am healing.

The kids and I spent last night at an IFB friend's place and it left me very mad, vulnerable, hurting. I had to listen to a lot about how the Pastor's done nothing wrong, it's all my fault (it would be magically fixed if I had gone to the Pastor myself and talked to him - I am NOT going to put myself in the vulnerable position of being alone in a room with an IFB pastor thank you very much! I gave him a four page letter in which I poured my heart out and he did nothing, so I can safely assume he intends to do nothing!!!) Anyway, I came away feeling as though all people will cause so much hurt they just aren't worth the effort.

Which kind of sucks because I'd thought I'd started to heal but I guess I haven't. Or at least I haven't gone far. And I think now I'm back to square one. Or negative.

I can't fill my social needs on the internet. I need to find some irl friends who love God - not people who are going to keep pushing me away from Him. I'm a single mum of five with two small ones not at school yet and I'm studying part time (but externally) so outside of a church I really don't have many options for social activities.

I'm just so messed up right now and I don't know what to do. I'm scared of continuing at this new church (new term starts next week which means they start small home groups and I'd love to join one!) and I'm pretty sure my last church is the only reason why

So - what did you guys all look for when you were looking for a church post-fundyland that wasn't going to trap you or just hurt you worse? Any wisdom out there?

Edit: I'm not sure I put this in the right place. If I didn't, I'm sorry. I put it here because I'm asking advice on finding a church. But I rambled. As I do. Sorry.