Did any of your friendships survive leaving?

[senda wales]

After being AWOL from my fundy church for a few weeks, I just had my first talk with one of my closest fundy friends. While I didn't get into every little detail about my disagreements and why I'm leaving, I did cover a few of the general and major issues.

I said that I thought there were a few things that church should ultimately be about, such as helping you study your Bible, helping you understand your faith better, helping you grow as a Christian, and being a witness of Christ's love and salvation. I said that I thought fundamentalism tended to get really hung up over its standards at the expense of what mattered, and that these standards are flat-out wrong and not biblical. I said that this church is no longer helping me grow as a Christian and that I no longer fit in. I also described a few of the issues I had the most trouble with, such as dress standards. I said that I had been very, very reluctant to tell anyone that I was leaving because I didn't want people to judge me or look down on me or try to pray for me to come back.

I think my friend took it fairly well. She's a very, very committed fundy. She was more understanding than I thought she'd be. Then again, she's also heard from a lot of people who have come and gone, so I guess nothing I said was new to her.

She didn't outright fight me on what I'd decided. While she ultimately still stood by her fundy convictions, I don't think she looked poorly upon me for disagreeing. She did disagree that I generalized by saying that all or most fundies hold these standards. (Ah, the "we don't all believe the same thing" card.) She also expressed that people would be very sad to see me go and that people really loved me, they didn't just want to see me once every few months or whatever. I've been at this church for about 10 years, so I suppose even I am capable of developing a few friendships. She strongly encouraged me to let our pastor and at least a few of my closest fundy friends know that I'm leaving and why I'm leaving, for the friendship/relationship's sake.

Part of me is a bit cynical. Of course everyone has been asking about me. If you're missing for just 1 week people start asking. They always say they care. And they do - in their slightly judgmental, slightly twisted fundy way. A lot of your stories have confirmed to me that I'm not just paranoid or crazy for seeing an ulterior motive or judgmentalism behind their actions.

But part of me wonders if it really is possible to disagree to the extent that I do and still maintain friendships. Part of me wonders if people really would be as understanding as my friend was. I would love to maintain some of these friendships and connections. These friendships were the main reason I stayed in fundamentalism for so long. I also try not to burn bridges as much as possible. But I also just can't sit there boiling in anger and ready to self-destruct in church just to maintain them. I don't know if it's possible to maintain friendships with fundies when you don't attend their church and their church is the center of their lives. When agreement on things is part of the basis for their friendships. When much of their belief system demands separation.

I know here at SFL there's a lot of disappointment and heartbreak from friendships lost after leaving fundamentalism. I am curious to know if any of your fundy friendships survived, if there were things that you did that helped enabled their survival. But feel free to discuss the ones that didn't.