Learning self-love

[senda wales]

I've read 2 different articles/books targeting fairly different audiences and written by very different people that have come to almost identical conclusions. One is a relationship advice column. The other is a book geared specifically towards people leaving Christian fundamentalism. Both emphasized that in order to live a fulfilled life/move on from unhealthy attachments, you must learn to love yourself. Rather than depend on finding love and acceptance externally (e.g., from a person you're dating which can lead to desperately clinging to unhealthy relationships; from a God who only accepts you conditionally), you learn to accept yourself internally. Both resources provided examples of thought/meditation exercises to help create this sense/state of being of self-love.

I find it curious that whether coming from a religious standpoint or from a secular relationships standpoint, both materials emphasized a focus on the spiritual, and both identified a tendency in American/Christian culture to seek love externally. I've tried these thought exercises a few times this past year and they are actually really, really, really difficult to do. It's incredible to me that it is so ingrained in our culture to find acceptance and validation from others, and not from ourselves. Or is it just a part of our biology? We are, after all, human beings. Receiving love and feeling validated is a natural part of the human development/growth process.

Anyways, wondering if anyone here has any thoughts on this. Is it worth trying to meditate my way through feeling unfulfilled, lost, and lonely? Or is it basically fighting a losing battle against how we're wired? Is this related to any kind of religious or spiritual practice out there? Obviously my social circle HAS diminished since leaving church, so it's best to continue going out and meeting people and not sequester myself into a total monastery. But there's a big difference between meeting people because you want to and meeting people because you're lonely and need people to make you feel better. I have a tendency to go back and forth between making myself so busy that I can't have time to think about feeling unfulfilled in life (and feeling lonely the whole way) vs. throwing myself into a group or organization to feel like I'm a part of something and less lonely (and then being devastated if something happens and I leave the group or if the group dissolves). Neither gives me real spiritual fulfillment (though they do make me feel like I'm being productive or at least somewhat popular, which are good feelings).

[lucrezaborgia]

it's not a hardwired thing. i'd look for exercises on mindfulness. Maybe get an ACT workbook. It's based on mentalization and other techniques.

As to the rest, finding fulfilment in yourself is hard and a lifelong journey for some. It's a huge topic in my borderline support group. I'll scare up some non bpd stuff for this sometime this weekend but the ACT workbook is a great start.