Will fundamentalism go out with a bang or a whimper? Will they ever embrace new music and dress styles? Give us your best guess now and we’ll all meet back here in a couple decades to see how we did.

Well, Uriah has gone and done it. He married That Girl at her church with just her parents and our parents there. My parents didn’t even know that they were going for the wedding. Uriah just asked them to meet him at the church. Father thought it was going to be a meeting with the Pastor to tell the Pastor that Uriah had issues with that church. They have an electric keyboard in addition to a piano and organ. It only takes a split second to accidentally hit the “demo” button and unleash ungodly music into that sanctuary. When they arrived at the church, the secretary (who is NOT the Pastor’s wife and is UNDER 50 years of age!) showed them back to the Pastor’s Office. Mother almost passed out but then she was thankful that she always wears a dress and full make-up unless she is asleep. That is a confirmation to her that wearing dresses or nice skirts at all times means that she will be a Proverbs 31 woman who is prepared for anything. Father said That Girl’s parents were smiling like they were happy about this. The vows were said and there was a discreet kiss and then it was over. The Fathers served as Best Man and Groomsman and the Mothers served as Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid. Afterward, they all went to lunch together at Red Lobster. Uriah ordered the popcorn shrimp like he always does. I think Uriah will be going to their church now that they are married.

Uriah called me after they left Red Lobster to tell me the good news. I was floored. It just doesn’t seem official without a modest wedding dress and the plan of salvation! I am happy he’s married. I wondered why he was so busy these last couple of weeks. He was finding and apartment for them and moving her stuff into it. He moved his belongings out the afternoon they got married. Now, the other two brothers in that room can spread out a little. He said that they decided to go ahead and get married and put the money they would have spent on a wedding into a savings account. She will be working at a Christian School until they have children. She is a Kindergarten teacher there. (That’s the school that lets girls wear leggings or pants under their skirts if it’s too cold outside. They also let their volleyball team and track team wear sleeveless shirts. My Father calls that place The School of the Slippery Slope.) Then, they hope to buy a house with a cash down payment. Uriah had to get off the phone then because That Girl said he was driving too fast on the way back to their apartment. She said they had the rest of their lives to enjoy each other, but she understood why he was in a hurry. If she’s always this bossy, there is no hope of submission in her.

They are spending the Thanksgiving Holiday week in The Mouse House (as That Girl calls it). I hope they will have fun there, but I’m afraid it will be fraught with temptations. I think they should have gone to a couples retreat at The Wilds or Bill Rice Ranch.

My wedding plans are going well. Barring a scandal involving the Pastor or Titus becoming a Mormon (HAHAHA!), we will be heading down the aisle together at the end of December. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I just remembered that I’ve got to ask That Girl if she wants to be a Bridesmaid now. I’m sure I will have enough time to whip up another modest taffeta dress by then. Oh, and if you are in the neighborhood, the Pastor is preaching on Being Thankful this month. This week’s sermon is titled “I am Thankful I am Not Like Other Men”. The choir is singing a medley of “We Gather Together” and “My God Is A Righteous God”.

In Modest Apparel,
CampMeeting Girl

No comment necessary.

Which of course demands that we ask: who is this Joseph Arminius dude? I spent all these years thinking his name was “Jacobus.”

Then again I don’t have a copy of the Fundamentalist Greater Revised Imaginary History.

But as strange as this is to read, it really get sad when you see a bunch of young men from the Hyles-Anderson College of West Africa reciting it at the 3rd Annual Pastor’s School at First Baptist Church of Kumasi, Ghana.

But it’s even cooler when the shirt is one that’s you’ve helped design. It has been months since we had our SFL t-shirt design ideas submission but I’ve just now managed to get my hands one of the finalized designs:

I’m really pleased at how this shirt came out. The printing is crisp and clear (a lot better than the photography here would lead you to believe) and the fabric quality quite good.

If you haven’t been there yet, be sure to check out the other designs at the SFL Cafe Press store.

Here’s the continuation of the podcast on which I and Joshua Caucutt were a guests of Kevin Thompson on the Understanding Our Times podcast, talking about Tina Anderson, Chuck Phelps, and the Independent Baptist “Network.”

The cool thing about making “the powers that be” into “all human authority” is that it casts a much wider net than the usual home+church+state trifecta. It extends a Divine mandate to schools, lunchrooms, and whatever para-church organization or self-proclaimed managawd happens to be telling you to obey. Fundy U presidents are especially big fans of this.

So what exactly is the consequence of not following every jot and tittle of the law as laid down by these authority figures? Oh, just the removal of God’s protection from your life. God will take away his big umbrella and immediately you’ll begin to suffer all of the trials of Job. (Not to mention that now the demons will getcha.)

He’re a helpful picture to illustrate this:

So evidently, Satan has a little umbrella that somehow creates its own rain of destruction even though God’s bigger umbrella is above it? I’ve tried reading this chart in every possible direction and I’m still more than a little confused.

Either way, the real takeaway here is that whenever someone gives you an order just follow it. Chances are pretty good that if you don’t someone’t going to hit you with an umbrella.

The steps are simple

I. Start with a full text…

1 Corinthians 14:26-33 How is it then, brethren? when ye come together, every one of you hath a psalm, hath a doctrine, hath a tongue, hath a revelation, hath an interpretation. Let all things be done unto edifying. 27If any man speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and that by course; and let one interpret. 28But if there be no interpreter, let him keep silence in the church; and let him speak to himself, and to God. 29Let the prophets speak two or three, and let the other judge. 30If any thing be revealed to another that sitteth by, let the first hold his peace. 31For ye may all prophesy one by one, that all may learn, and all may be comforted. 32And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. 33For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

II. Yank out a phrase…
“For God is not the author of confusion”

III. Create an interpretation…
God doesn’t like people to ever be confused.

IV. Apply it…
Major premise: God doesn’t like people to ever be confused.
Minor premise: Your disagreement with my belief on anything is going to cause confusion.
Conclusion: Your disagreement is of the Devil.

Congratulations! You’re well on your way to being the most biblical person you know!