Since its inception, the primary purpose of the automobile has always been to provide venue for pastors to lose their testimonies. It may also (as a strictly secondary function) provide some modicum of useful transportation.

It is a well known fact in fundamentalism that even the most restrained and moderate of people lose all self-control once they set foot in a motor vehicle. Unless carefully monitored, riding in a car with a member of the opposite sex can lead to fornication, drunkenness, and head-on collisions with trains — possibly all three at the same time.

In the interest of preventing these unfortunate occurrences, the following rules should be observed by any fundamentalists who intends to travel by automobile.

- Pastors should never enter a car with a woman. Ever. If that means leaving her to be eaten by wolves then so be it. Your ministry is too important to risk.

- If two people who are dating should happen to need to travel together for sanctioned ministry purposes such as traveling too and from Bible college, they must travel in no smaller vehicle than a 15 passenger van and be seated for maximum separation distance between them. Please consult the following chart:

- If two people are currently pretending not to be dating so they can sit together on the long, long missions trip to Mexico they must be separated at all times by the width of a King James Bible (Wide Margin, Oxford Press, 1769 edition, 3rd printing).

- Chaperons shall be strategically placed in the vehicle in such a manner that all hands, feet, elbows, and knees are in plain view at all times. If a chaperon is unavailable this task may be relegated to a child who has demonstrated great alacrity in the tattling department.

- Every trip shall begin with a prayer in which the driver shall make it clear to all within earshot that the continued safety of all passengers from accident or freak avalanche depends on the above rules being kept with utmost vigor.

Observe these rules well and it may be possible to keep the inevitable vehicular orgies to a bare minimum. And keep an eye out for those oncoming trains.

Many thanks to Kass for sending along this photo

Fundamentalists love the Psalms — especially the ones that involve praying down destruction, despair, and dental catastrophes upon their enemies. Having ones posterity cut off is also a sure crowd-pleaser.

It’s well enough to contemplate the psalms about the Good Shepherd or the beauty of a creation that proclaims the glory of a powerful God — if you’re a namby pamby, happy clappy, flowers and sunshine type, that is. But if you really want to get your righteous blood pumping there’s nothing that can compare to the joy of praying for liberals, Democrats, and compromisers to have their children left fatherless and their wife made a widow. And it’s all Biblical! Sorta.

Everyone would do well to step lightly around the fundamentalist who is armed with imprecatory parallelisms — especially if they value their jaw teeth and would like to avoid being smitten on the hip and thigh.

“We’ll be praying for you”…who knew it was such a threat?

“No long denim dress outfit is complete without them!”

Originally posted by “just john” over at FFF.

Indeed if that brazen hussy had not been wearing that provocative pair of jeans she would not have inspired men to lust and might not have been assaulted. (As a point of inquiry, if a man is sexually assaulted by another man can we also blame the victim’s provocative clothing or is that reserved only for women?) Every car crash, house fire, murder, or robbery that happens  outside the gates that protect the holy provides a perfect time to moralize about the sins that inspired the event.

Yes, victims of the world, what you all really need is light and salt — rubbed directly into your wounds. Think ye that these were sinners above all men that dwelt in Jerusalem? Yup. Pretty much.

(and for those who are MST3K fans, you can see their take on this classic here)

A man had two bird cages. In the one lived a melodious songbird. In the other an ugly, squawking (and notably black) crow. Influenced by some abominable whim this man decided to set the cages close to one another in order that the crow might learn to sing like the songbird. But alas after many weeks the man discovered to his consternation, horror and dismay that in fact the songbird was now squawking like the crow.

The moral of the story is that if you’re around evildoers, whore-mongers, and bearded men with wire rimmed glasses on a chain that you will inevitably grow to be like them instead of the other way around. Holiness is such a weak and wretched thing that it’s only defense is to hide itself in a hole until the end of the world and never see the light of day. Amen.