I think they would have been better off aiming their guns at the trumpet players.

I wonder, have you done your best for Jesus? I know that we live under all that grace nonsense now (my, how I miss a good old-fashioned stoning!) but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a good guilt trip now and again about your works or lack thereof.  Jesus is keeping score.

Did you waste a precious minute today? Did you spend ten minutes goofing off when you could have been praying? Did you need to eat at that restaurant (and leave no tract with your tip!) instead of giving the money to faith-promise missions? Obsess, my friend, obsess.

Never forget that God only values you for what you can do for Him. And by “Him” I mean me, of course. Do you have any experience driving a bus? No? What about using a toilet scrubber? Be careful or your wood, hay, and stubble will make quite the bonfire on judgment day.

You’ll never be good enough no matter how hard you try — so try harder! Have you done your best? The answer is always no. Now get back to work.

In 1961, a fundamentalist named Bill Gothard founded the Institute in Basic Life Principles and later masterminded the Advanced Training Institute home study program. These programs have forever changed the lives of thousands of people. Some of them have since managed to piece back together some shreds of their sanity; many more have not.

Gothard is not only embraced by IFB types, he has more than his share of charismatic type followers as well, but there has been a significant part of fundyland that venerates him as a prophet — while some like David Cloud think he’s the devil. Such is the way of fundyland.

If you’ve ever been told that your children’s Cabbage Patch doll was causing them to suffer Satanic attack and mental illness (which may or may not really exist), you’ve probably met either Gothard or one of his followers. He also subscribes to many standard fundy themes such as rock music being able to damage your heart with its ‘unnatural rhythms.’

Having never been married or had children, Gothard is, of course, a self-proclaimed expert on both marriage and children — lots and lots of children. The Quiverfull movement finds strong support in Gothard circles with the celebrated Duggar family as its most visible followers. Bill’s teaching is that families should pop out as many children as physically possible without regard for health risks or economic improbability. However, it should be noted that according to Bachelor Bill sex itself should not be had during the wife’s menstrual cycle; seven days after the cycles; 40 days after the birth of a son; 80 days after the birth of a daughter; and the evening prior to worship¹. Animal sacrifices after childbirth are evidently optional although one might imagine highly encouraged if coming in the form of fried chicken.

The key word to understanding Gothard is “Authority.” He has it. Your pastor has it. Your dad has it. You don’t. Sucks to be you. In the Gothard world Authority isn’t given in different spheres but is structured like military ranks. Therefore in an ideal home the dad will have the authority over his children (even if they’re 43), but the dad takes orders from the pastor who can by spirit-led fiat decide what’s best for you and yourn. It’s for your own good. No, really.

One can only imagine the years of deprogramming that it takes to free people from his teaching.

_{$3 bill picture found at midwestoutreach.org}

Fundamentalists love comparing themselves to soldiers and the Christian life to war. Go to a fundy church for a few weeks and chances are good you’ll hear at least one sermon illustration involving soldiers, combat heroism, and a Christian in basic training who shined all the boots that were thrown at him (one can only imagine by Communist spies) as he prayed. If you’re a fundamentalist evangelist or preacher who has served in the armed forces and has good war stories to tell, your future is bright indeed.

It only stands to reason that fundamentalist would not only honor and respect the armed forces but actually imagine them to be a perfect representation of what Christians should look and act like. They love the uniformity, the short haircuts, the perfect posture, and the shiny, shiny shoes. They relish the idea of troops who are willing to follow orders from their leaders without question. They bask in the thoughts of a righteous army with very large guns blasting away the unholy denizens of evil empires.

Perhaps it doesn’t really occur to them that the aim of Christianity is to save people, not use Gospel foot soldiers to blow them into spiritual smithereens. Fundies may never ride in the cavalry but they’re in the Lord’s army. Yes, Sir.

In an age where people are likely to have more friends online than they do in their own neighborhoods and tweet more than they converse face-to-face, fundamentalism still provides a genuine sense of old-fashioned community with people you can actually see. And in a fundamentalist community you’ll see an awful lot of them since your church, your school, your work, and your social circle will likely involve the same exact same people.

Yes, the rules of the group may be strict and arbitrary. The leadership may flawed and autocratic. Nevertheless, fundies are some of the most fiercely loyal people to their bretheren and sisteren that you’ll ever meet. It is loyalty that extends no further than the border of separation that holds back the evils of the outside world but it is unswerving to those inside.

If you’re a fundamentalist brother who’s hungry, they’ll feed you. If you’re a sister who is in need they’ll give you a place to stay. If you’re a fundamentalist in the company of those of like mind you’ll never be left alone (no matter how much you may sometimes wish you were).

When I was a fundamentalist I was the recipient of fundy friendship and generosity on too many occasions to count. For that I’m truly thankful.

If you simply can’t wait to see this, it’s available on amazon.com or wherever documentary films on wackos are sold.

I. You have no rights.

For unlike the Founding Fathers they idolize, fundamentalists will claim that since our only reward as sinners is an eternity in hell that even once we are redeemed we still have no right to expect any freedoms at all in this lifetime. After all, we’re in the Lord’s Army and soldiers give up all their rights when they enlist. (Well, other than the ones outlined for them in things like the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and the Geneva Convention but let’s not nitpick)

Life? Only the unborn and old people who liberals want to euthanize have a right to that. Everybody else should fully expect to be a martyr or die of a wasting disease on the battle…er…mission field.

Liberty? Liberty is only the freedom to do ‘what you ought’ so nobody should expect the right to choose anything that’s not in the rulebook. Just shut your face and follow orders, soldier!

Pursuit of Happiness? What are you, some kind of pansy? There’s no happiness in a war! The only happy soldiers are the ones on posters that we use to sucker others to join up. Now pick up that sword and get back into that Sunday School room.

Of course this lack of rights only applies to the unwashed masses who sit in the pews. The commanding officer who fills the pulpit has the right to be followed unquestioningly and make others pay him for the privilege to be told what to do.

You may never ride in the cavalry but you know your place and have zero expectations of making it out of this with your imago dei intact. Yes, sir.

Although there are exceptions, fundamentalist churches are predominantly full of (and I’m generalizing here) middle aged white people who like to watch reruns of the Lawrence Welk show. This lack of diversity comes as no surprise given the uneasy history of fundies with race relations. If you managed to get all the way through Christian high school and Bible college without having ever been taught why Martin Luther King Jr. was important in American history, you might have been a fundamentalist. After all, nothing bad ever happened in America prior to 1963, so whatever he did couldn’t have been that necessary.

Although it is less frequent nowadays, there are still some fundamentalist institutions that are overtly racist in their practices. For example, Maranatha Baptist Mission still carries in its Purposes, Precepts, Policies, and Practices booklet a prohibition both against interracial marriage and interracial adoption. There’s a sick irony in sending out international missionaries to bring the peoples of the world into the family of God while forbidding them to bring any into their own family that aren’t the right skin color. (Pardon me while I beat this drum again, but Pensacola Christian College has supported missionaries from MBM and had its President to speak in their services while this policy was in place. Mainstream? Hardly.)

More popular in the last decade, however, is a subtler more insidious ethnocentric approach to bigotry. It shows up in things like blaming Africa for the ‘demonic’ forces of rock music and condemning ethnic styles of dress. Although much of the racism has been forced underground by the winds of change and political expediency, the roots are often still there. Bob Jones University may now not officially prohibit interracial dating but it’s still a hotly debated topic among parts of the student body.

It stands to reason that a group of people who assign moral values to cultural norms would have issues with those who are different from themselves. Fundamentalists evidently espouse the theory that the more like Jesus a person becomes the more they will dress and act like a middle class white suburbanite. By this shall all men know that we are His disciples.

Consider Tony Hutson, son of former Sword of  the Lord editor Curtis Hutson. A few minutes spent listening to the Tony Hutson One-Liner Podcast will reveal a slew of crazy rants that attempt to pass for preaching. Don’t miss the story on apologetics that ends with a recounting of an alleged conversation where Curtis Hutson tells Tony “boy, you’re even more ignorant than your mama.” Um…amen?

Yet for all of this craziness, he still maintains close ties with Sword of the Lord. He has a listing at the top of their Tenessee Church Directory and routinely preaches at SOTL conferences. Meanwhile, the Sword of the Lord has grown increasingly close to none other than the “mainstream” fundamentalist organization Pensacola Christian College who from all accounts puts quite a sum of money into keeping the Sword afloat. To emphasize that tie, SOTL Editor Shelton Smith will be preaching at the PCC Campus Church from Jan. 18-22 of this month. There is no stronger endorsement in fundyland than letting a man fill your pulpit.

Hutson->Smith->PCC. Is there really a “mainstream” of fundamentalism when crazyland is never more than a hop skip and a jump away? Discuss amongst yourselves.

After the State of Texas passed laws in 1975 that required licensing his youth homes, Roloff was arrested twice for refusing to comply. In 1982 Roloff’s plane crashed during a storm killing himself and three women on board. Incidentally, the crash occured on the same day that Governor Mark White — who had promised to shut down the Roloff homes — was elected. The wreckage of the crashed airplane in which he died is the centerpiece of Roloff Park at Hyles-Anderson College.

Presented here for your listening pleasure is one of his more famous “sermons” entitled “And the Mule Walked On” in which are addressed the topics of: long hair on men, short hair on women, makeup on women, hippies, buying gas on Sunday, too many people going swimming on Sunday, too many women cooking on Sunday, reading the newspaper on Sunday, newspaper delivery boys who go to the devil for delivering on Sunday, “homosectals”, professional football and baseball, people on dope from their family doctors, public schools, sex ed. and many, many others.

(Note: the audio quality is poor for the first few seconds of intro. It clears up once the actual message begins)

Many thanks to James for his help in summarizing this amazing collection of topics