Apparently, this is the sign for Mt. Pleasant Baptist Church in Griffin, Georgia.

Thanks to UncleWilver for passing it along.

Suit? Check.
White shirt? Check.
Out of style tie? Check.
KJV? Uncheck. I couldn’t seem to find one so I had to grab another version off my shelf.

Other than the Bible faux-pas I am perfectly disguised as a fundy. Since my Bible is in a cover there is little chance that my cover will be blown. I am ready to enter the heart of California fundydom-Lancaster Baptist Church.

I arrive barely in time due to a GPS that actively plots against me. I had a bit of trouble finding a parking space. Eventually a man directing traffic directed me to park in the area reserved for senior citizens. The service is scheduled to begin at 11:00 AM. No Sunday School or evening service is scheduled.

First impressions: Wow! This place is like Grand Central Station at rush hour. I have a hard time squeezing through. Why is it whenever there is a crowd of people trying to reach a doorway there is always some oblivious muggins who will stand in said doorway and have a conversation with their equally oblivious friends?

I am wished Merry Christmas between 8 and 10 times before I find the restroom. I am offered a bulletin 3 or 4 times. People stop me and shake my hand and welcome me to the service.

An usher offers to help me find a seat and I accept his help. The auditorium at service time:

The auditorium is decorated for Christmas. A large, wrapped box is set on the platform behind the pulpit. There are trees and wreaths everywhere.

The service:

Opening hymn: Joy to the World. Lancaster projects the hymns onto large screens.

Special music: 8 boys and 8 girls of about ten years of age file onto the platform. Each of them holds a separate microphone. They each hold it in their right hand. Each one holds it at the exact same angle while their left arm hangs unmoving at their sides. I am distracted by this and forget to write the song name down.

Time to greet the visitors! We are instructed to turn around and wish someone we don’t know “Merry Christmas”. Dutifully I turn around and for the first time notice that my old fundy Mog from TN is seated two rows behind me. My cover is blown! He looked as happy to see me as I was to see him. The rest of the greeting time was taken up with awkward small talk. “Fancy seeing you out here” & “How long are you staying?” etc.

Another special: Teenagers this time. 13 of them and they all hold their microphones in their right hands and keep their left arms rigid at their sides. The song is called “Distant Voice”. I had never heard it before.

Time for the next hymn: “I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day” (a carol of unimpeachable Biblicalness) We make it through the first verse okay but on the second verse things derail. The verse on the screens is very different from what the director is singing. He stops and laughs about the mix-up. He tells us to grab a hymnal and to turn to page 172. He starts off singing the second verse again while we in the audience stare blankly at whichever hymn was written on page 172. The director realizes that he got the page number out of a different hymnbook. He then asks for someone to shout out the correct page number. Instead someone shouts out “That song isn’t in this hymnbook”. To his credit the director laughs and says “Well I guess this has been pretty much a trainwreck”.

We are then instructed to fill out the Visitor/Members Card. Visitors are told to include whatever information we feel comfortable sharing. I opt for Name and City. Strangely, members are all instructed to fill one out as well. They are told to just write their name.

Another special. This time it is a young men’s quartet. Of course they hold the microphones in what I presume must be the only way allowed in the church bylaws. “It Is About the Cross”. I miss the message of the song because I am wondering whether I should even take notes since I am left-handed. Perhaps I will be escorted from the premises under armed guard.

Video: They show a short video telling the Christmas story. It paraphrases Bible verses as part of the flow of the story. However, the verses sound strangely non-KJV as a result.

The Main Event: (I only wish I were ringside instead of in the cheap seats)

Preacher: Paul Chappell.

Text: Luke 2:1-7. (Of course)
Theme of the message: Joy at Christmas

I. Joy in His Providence.
A. He Originated History.
Isaiah 7:14, Proverbs 21:1
a. He Prophesied.
b. He Performed. I Timothy 3:16, I Peter 1:9-11
B. He Orquestrated History.
Quote: History is His-story!
Jeremiah 1:12
1. Political Structures.
Some jokes about paying taxes. Apparently leaves his notes and starts talking about Caesar Augustus. Says that Caesar Augustus was the son of Octavian Caesar. (No. They are the same person) He puts a map up on the screen of ‘The Holy Land in the time of Christ’. Oddly, the modern country of Jordan is clearly marked on the map.Chappell seems to realize that he is rearranging Roman and Middle-Eastern history and decides to return to the beaten path.
2. Perplexing Problems.
Romans 8:28.

(My hand is already cramping)(I had surgery recently and I am starting to be in pain so I pop a pain pill)

II. Joy In His Presence.

A. The Place Was Determined. John 6:32-35
Joke: Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem? Because that is where his mother was!
B. The Saviour Was Delivered. (Yes, KJV spelling was used)
I John 4:9
More Jokes: Why were the first gifts not wrapped? Because the givers were wise and they were men!
Shows photo of a manger.
Yet Another Joke: Tells about a little boy who asks if he can be the lion in the Nativity play. When asked why he responds “You know, the lion (lying) in the manger”.

(At this point the kindly gentleman beside me leans over and points out that the entire sermon outline is included in the bulletin. Boy do I feel stupid.)

What follows is a weird addition. It seems like it was dropped in at the last minute. It doesn’t seem to naturally fit into the sermon. In the bulletin it is a shaded box that sets it apart from the rest of the sermon.

There Was No Room For Him in the Inn.

The Material Man Has No Room.
Mark 8:36
References the War on Christmas.
The Intellectual Man Has No Room.
I Corinthians 1:18-19
The Religious Man Has No Room.
John 1:10-12

Time for a fish story: Years ago (in a galaxy far, far away) Chappell went out ‘door-knocking’ (That phrase could be mistaken for a euphemism). He met a very religious lady who believed very strongly in the works that her false church taught. (He never says which false church) He climbs up on the staircase and tells her to imagine the building were on fire and asks her how he could be saved from the flames. She responds that she would have to jump. The story ends with her being saved and the audience gives the obligatory ‘Amen’ upon hearing this. How this actually happens must have been edited out.

(FYI prescription narcotics make fundydom much more entertaining but even less intelligible than normal)

III. Joy in His Provision.

A. A Personal Presentation. Romans 1:3, Philippians 2:5-8
Quote: “The life of our Lord is marked by the Virgin’s womb and the empty tomb. He came into the world through a door marked ‘No Entrance’ and left through one marked ‘No Exit’!
(Other than making Jesus sound like a boor who disregards signs I am not sure what this means) (I find this quote vaguely creepy but I can’t quite put my finger on why)

B. A Spiritual Presentation. Romans 1:4, Colossians 2:9, Luke 1:32
Quote: “Christmas is not about presents but about His presence”

Conclusion:
Salvation appeal. Talks about Black Friday and people hurting and stabbing each other over shoes. Quote “A few years ago people were stabbing each other over Cabbage Patch dolls”. (Breaking News: Sting just left The Police)

Stand. Bow head. Close eyes. (I don’t think the order matters but I always do it in the order commanded)

Invitation song: ‘Have Your Way Lord’

Two people were baptized.

Video about upcoming attractions. I start plotting how I am going to avoid talking to my old Mog.

Dismissed. I see my Mog is climbing over people to exit his pew on the other aisle from me. For once, he and I agree on something; not talking makes us both happier.

Since I am a first-time visitor I am entitled to some swag. I am given a book written by the pastor. “Christmas is a Gift”. I also am given a pre-printed “personal invitation” to keep attending.

I walk to my car. A brass ensemble is out on the sidewalk playing Christmas carols. I stop and listen for a moment. It almost seems normal.

~ Apathetic or whatever.

They’re lovely people, I’m sure.

The church website contains a lot of interesting things not the least of which is this tidbit from the missions page

We currently have five missionaries that we are only able to prayer support at this time. Our desire it to be able to financially support them as we have in the past. Once we are able to meet all the needs of our pastor and our local church, we will prepare to assist these missionaries and others around the world. We want to be a part of their ministry that the Lord called them. However, we must first take care of our Man of God.

Joe Nelms is quite a colorful fundamentalist character to say the least.

I guess as long as they’re on different nights then it’s all good and nobody should get all confused and think that maybe they’re not as different as they’d like people to think that they are.

Update 1: Multiple sources have now confirmed to me that Rick Arrowood has dropped out of the conference upon learning that Schaap was attending. Further updates as they become available.

Update 2: Apparently BJIII has decided to bring Dr. Eric Newton (Dean of Students at BJU) with him as the second speaker.

Today’s Friday challenge is a fairly simple one. Think about some fundy church you have known and give it a name that better reflects that congregation’s realities.

And…go.

Although Baptist fundamentalists make up less than 1% of the overall population of America, you’d never know it to hear them talk. How many pastors have we heard introduced as “one of the most influential men in America”? How many times have we been told that some church of 300 or 500 people is at the forefront of the battle to bring the entire nation back to God? Yet somehow with all this influence, the powerful fundy church with its amazing pastor can’t even manage to get the liquor store down the street to go out of business.

The accolades of power and prestige that both fundy churches and pastors heap to themselves range from the ridiculous to the outright hilarious.

- “Adviser to the Governor and State Legislature” (He met them once at a fundraiser along with 632 other members of the clergy.)

- “Books and Tracts have influenced Christianity greatly” (Except that nobody who doesn’t shop at the church bookstore has ever bought a copy of any of them. The missionaries who received complementary copies in lieu of Christmas presents have long since used them for kindling.)

- “One of the most dynamic and powerful churches on the West Coast.” (Also one of the most oblong and unceremonious. I mean if we’re just going to throw around meaningless adjectives let’s go for broke.)

- “Reclaiming their town for Christ.” (And they’re doing it one zoning board battle at a time. Take that, heathen politicians!)

Most fundamentalists just seem to have no clue that the average non-fundy has never heard of their church, its pastor, his alma mater, and their preacher’s fellowship. And as long as they are refusing to have any meaningful relationship with non-fundamentalists, it’s going to stay that way in perpetuity. Delusions of grandeur would seem to be a requirement to be a somebody in fundyland.

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Fundamentalists ain’t what they used to be. Fundamentalism is exactly the same as it has always been.

Once upon a time, fundamentalism as a movement embraced a wide-flung and surprisingly diverse group of people. While standards and holiness (especially involving alcohol) were a big deal, they were not by far the biggest deal. In the days before the fundamentalist college was ubiquitous, many leaders were educated by Methodists or Presbyterians and these denominations were generally acknowledged to have at least some orthodoxy left in them. Bible Version debates were unheard of and the broader Christian culture often lined up with the fundamentalist ideals making the fundamentalist not so far outside the mainstream.

But here’s what happens…

Meet Pastor Joe. Pastor Joe is (at least comparatively) a fairly reasonable and well-spoken fundamentalist. As his camp in fundyland lurches to the fringe, he tries to speak out in a reasonable fashion against the growing craziness of standards and separation he sees around him. Of course, other fundamentalists mark him as an apostate and separate from him. Joe doesn’t want to completely abandon his theological roots so he leaves to become a Southern Baptist or Non-Denominational pastor with baptistic leanings.

This has two effects. 1)Fundamentalism loses a voice of reason and ends up a little crazier and more perverse as a whole 2)Whatever movement Pastor Joe joins gains a very right-leaning member and becomes a little more fundamentalist.

Inevitably, those who Joe left behind in fundamentalism attack even more of their own and those victims too decide to follow brother Joe into greener pastures.

Repeat the process a few thousand times and you end up with a fundamentalist movement where the lunatics are demonstrably running the asylum. You also end up with elements in the SBC and elsewhere that are increasingly voicing familiar old fundamentalist themes.

Meet the new Baptists, same as the old Baptists.