Q. What is the book for thee?
A. The B-I-B-L-E.

Q. Where do you stand?
A. On the Word of God.

Q. Who is with thee?
A. I stand alone.

Q. Where has God prepared a place?
A. Somewhere in outer space.

Q. For whom is the place prepared?
A. For those who trust Him and obey.

Q. What doest thou ask of the Lord?
A. That He do remember me.

Q. Where should He remember thee?
A. Way beyond the blue.

Q. Who is standing in the need of prayer?
A. It’s me.

Q. Is it thy brother or thy sister?
A. We just covered that – it’s me.

Q. Is it thy father or thy mother.
A. Idiot. Next question, please.

Q. Who is on the Lord’s side?
A. We are on the Lord’s side.

Q. Who did not obey God immediately?
A. Jonah.

Q. Where did Jonah find himself?
A. Down in the depths of the deep blue sea.

Q. Why shouldst thou do right?
A. Because it’s right to do.

Q. For how long shouldst thou do right?
A. Until the stars fall.

Q. Who’s gonna get thee for that?
A. God’s gonna get me for that.

Q. What shouldst thou fight?
A. The wiggle worm.

Q: Up what shall we climb?
A: We shall climp up, climb up Sunshine Mountain

Q: How fares the countdown?
A: The countdown’s getting lower every day

Q: What did the Lord told Noah?
A: To build the arky, arky

Q: And wherefore was this arky?
A: For the floody, floody

Q: When are we to be happy?
A: We are in-right, out-right, up-right, down-right…happy all the time

Q: Who hath many sons?
A: Father Abraham hath many sons.

Q: Father Abraham hath many sons?
A: Right Arm. Left Arm. Right Foot. Left Foot.

Q:What if the devil does not like it?
A: He may sit on a bomb. Boom.

Q. What else may the devil sit upon?
A. He may sit on a tack. Ouch!

Q. What doest thou have?
A. I have the joy, joy, joy.

Q. Where doest thou have it?
A. Down in my heart.

Q. Where?
A. Down in my heart.

Q. Where?
A. Down in my heart.

Q. For how long is the joy in your heart?
A. To stay.

Q: Why dost thou read thy Bible and pray every day?
A: So that we may grow, grow, grow

Q: And if thou shouldest forget?
A: Then we will shrink, shrink, shrink

Q. How are we to be happy in Jesus?
A. By trusting and obeying.

Q. Is there another way?
A. There is no other way.

Q: If thou art saved and thou knowest it, how shalt thou showest it?
A: With the clapping of mine hands.

Q. Do you march in the infantry?
A. I may never march in the infantry.

Q. Do you ride in the cavalry?
A. I may never ride in the cavalry.

Q. Do you shoot the artillery?
A. I may never shoot the artillery.

Q. Do you zoom over the enemy?
A. I may never zoom over the enemy.

Q. Then child, in whose army do you serve?
A. I am in the Lord’s army.

Q. Are you down-hearted?
A. No, no, no.

Q. If you were a fish in the sea, what would you do?
A. I would thank the Lord that I could swim.

Q. And as a bird in the sky?
A. Thank the Lord for letting me fly.

Q. And since you are neither?
A. Thank the Father for making me, me.

Q. And not someone else?
A. Not you, but me!

Q. How many doors are there?
A. One door, and only one.

Q. How many sides does the door possess?
A. Its sides are two.

Q. On which side are you?
A. I’m on the inside.

Q. Isn’t He wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful? Eyes have seen, ears have heard, It’s recorded in His word, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful?
A. Yes.

Q: For what does Jesus want you?
A: Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

Q: And what shall the nature of this sunbeam be?
A: It shall brighten up the corner where I am.

Q. What rings in your heart?
A. In my heart there rings a melody in perfect harmony, a melody of love.

Q. And where is your home, and what doth it outshine?
A. I’ve got a home in glory land that outshines the sun (HALLELUJAH!)

Q. What colors of little children doth our Savior love?
A. Red and yellow, black and white.

Q If thou art wise, where will you build your home?
A Upon the Rock

Q Where wilt the foolish build his home?
A Upon the sand

Q What wilt happen when the rain tumbeleth down?
A The house on the sand shalt go splat

Q. What is my strength?
A. The joy of the Lord is my strength

Q. What does He give me that I thirst no more?
A. He gives me living water so I thirst no more.

Q. With what does He fill my mouth?
A. Laughter

Q. What doth this laughter sound like?
A. HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA

Q. What else doth this laughter sound like?
A. Any number of dying animals

Q. How is the fountain flowing?
A. Deep and wide

Q. How is it flowing beneath the fountain?
A. Hmm and Hmm

Q. What didst David have?
A. Only a little sling.

Q. What could David do?
A. He could play and sing.

Q. What was close at hand?
A. Only a rippling brook.

Q. With what did he arm himself?
A. With the five little stones he took.

Q. What went into the sling?
A. One little stone went into the sling.

Q. And how did the sling go?
A. It went ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round.

Q. What went up in the air?
A. One little stone.

Q. What was the consequence of David’s action?
A. A giant came tumbling down.

Q. What dost He have in His hands?
A. The whole world.

Q. What else?
A. Any additional verses are unnecessary.

Q. Okay, skip it.
A. Thanks.

For many fundamentalists the entirety of their spiritual life is comprised of a series of moments in time in which they have made BIG DECISIONS. If you’re a fundy nine-year-old who has just decided in the throes of religious fervor that he’s going to become a preacher boy, never kiss a girl until he’s married, and never buy alcohol at any place where they sell gas (the details are often confusing for a nine-year old) then you had better plan on never, ever changing your mind. For he who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for fundystand.

What’s that you say, John? You want to go to a state school and be an engineer? Don’t you remember surrendering to missions during our Patch the Pirate Club back in the summer of ’91? And a missionary doesn’t need a state school, he needs training at our basement bible college…

Esther, do you really think you’re going to marry that guy you met at work? Didn’t you promise when you were but a wee girl to let your parents pick someone for you to helpmeet? I’m sure God doesn’t want you going back on your word.

Bill, didn’t you swear as a teenager that you were going to give half your income to missions for the rest of your life? Need I remind you where liars go?

There’s a reason that minors are not allowed to enter into a legal contract. If only there were the same prohibition on them entering into a life-altering spiritual one as well.

Whether they like it or not, fundamentalism does change. The changes, however, happen slowly and quietly all while fundamentalists insist that nothing is changing and that they’ve always done/said/believed/smoked this.

In my corner of fundyland, comic books were eyed with deep suspicion of being a gateway to the occult, pornography, and Communism. You might think I’m kidding about that last one but I’m dead serious. But apparently, this prohibition on the costumed heroes has been abandoned in some fundamentalist camps as evidenced by the Shawnee Baptist Youth Conference website where the speakers are portrayed at least in superhero costume masks if not (thankfully) in tights.

Of course, other fundamentalists like David Cloud aren’t happy about this. Then again, when is David Cloud ever happy? I think the last recorded time was one brief moment in 1984…

Fundamentalists are huge fans of original sin and never hesitate to point out that everyone from newborns to octogenarians are prone to spiritual corruption and gross wickedness. Even a child (of unspecified age and ability) is known by his doings.

One might be inclined to wonder how it is that an infant who possesses neither speech or nor rational thought could be guilty of willful sin but apparently the little critters are just rife with it. You see, sometimes they cry when there’s (and here’s the important bit) nothing wrong. Indeed this is deception of the most base kind involving fooling another human being into paying them attention when they simply don’t deserve it. That such evil should exist in the heart of a baby is breathtaking.

Indeed, the go-to illustration for most fundy pastors when addressing the topic of the heart’s corruption generally involves some infraction of their baby or toddler. Now godless, secular, atheist psychologists might have some theory or another on things like developmental stages and cognitive ability but fundamentalists have never been much bothered by psychology…or anything else. No, the simple reality is that your little smiling cherub is a willful and premeditated liar and the truth is not him.

Heed this warning well and watch for the telltale signs of corruption.

As a side note, for some reason I keep hearing this cheesy voice saying “Illusions, Michael.”

The video description reads as follows:

We had a promotion for our bus kids a in May 09, which was if the kids brought a certain number of visitors then (the bus captain) & my workers and driver all got 5 shots at another worker, Jamie. Well….when it was my turn, I kinda took a few more shots than agreed, but hey….I’M THE BUS CAPTAIN!!!

Many thanks to reader dvdkndy for passing this material along.

Get them while they’re young and will believe ANYTHING! Because we have a much better chance of getting the sinners prayer from people who can’t…you know…think and reason and stuff.