Preachers

The Ballad of Pastor Jed

74 Comments

Today’s guest post comes from SFL’s very own Uncle Wilver.

Come and listen to a story ’bout a preacher named Jed.
Poor rural parson barely kept his family fed.
Then one day he went to Pastor’s School,
And when he returned, he was a Fundy tool.
(Gimmicks, that is. Proof texts. Lotsa rules.)

Well the next thing you know, the Mega Church looks great,
Buses everywhere throughout the Tri-State,
New Basement Bible College and Academy,
With just one man to rule so there is no anarchy.
(Dictatorship that is. Pastoral Authority. IFB heroes.)

Well, now its time to say goodbye to Jed and all his ilk.
Now that he is doing time his wife’s no more in silk.
You’re all invited to stop in on Thursday about noon
To commiserate with the former Fundy church tycoon.
(The Elm Street Embezzler. That’s what they call him now.
Property auction in two weeks. Ya’ll come bid now, ya hear!)

74 thoughts on “The Ballad of Pastor Jed”

  5. Bravo, Uncle W!
    I can’t read these lyrics without hearing Lester Flatt on guitar and Earl Scruggs on banjo.

    1. Which, if I had any musical talent, I would have laid down a vocal track with. I’m pretty sure I have the technology to separate their voices and add my own, but no technology would make my singing palatable to any of you. And it’s a bit late to get Flatt and Scruggs to sing it for me.

      1. UW – Doesn’t matter if you can sing or not. Just call it a “special” and we can take up a love offering.

        2. Don’t listen to the music just listen to the words. Y’all pray for us. We ain’t practiced.

        3. It helps, though, if you’re blind or a quadruple amputee or have three eyes or something like that. Bless your heart.

  8. Uncle Wilver,
    I am in awe. Last night I read an article about Ernest Angley and his cult, so your post is particularly appropriate.
    BJg

        1. I wish cults like him would “bite the dust.”

          I lived in Akron 1974-79. The two biggest fundie churches were the Cathedral of Tomorrow, run by Rex Humbard, and (I think) First Baptist Church.

          The two tried to outdo each other in newspaper ads and “special guests.” Ernest Angley was more or less on the sidelines, in south Akron.

          Ernest specialized in healing. He would even pretend to heal Deaf persons, especially children.

          His method: he would stick his fingers in the child’s ears and yell “Out ,out, evil spirit!” He would rotate his fingers at the same time.

          This, of course, would produce tinnitus, especially in a Deaf person. He would then mouth, “Can you hear?” The child would answer “Yes.”

          To test the “healing,” he would then mouth one–two–three-four–five. The child would obediently repeat the numbers.

          Hallelujah! She can hear! Glory to God!

          (I am not making this up.)

      3. I am even amazed that Angley still has a church and congregation. I seem to recall his “faith-healing” was exposed as a fraud years ago. I was stunned to see him on TV one recent Sunday morning. That along with the fact that he moves and speaks everybit as a 93 year old man would, I just cannot imagine anyone following him so to speak. And don’t even get me started on the dead animal on his head. I think it is dead?

        2. Dear Scorpio:

          What is dead is his wife. A pastor-friend in Akron said years ago that she was supposed to have received revelations from God which became the source of Ernest’s inspiration. It seems that when she died, Ernest had a telephone line installed in her coffin to keep the communication going.

          Can we say, ‘necromancy?’

          Christian Socialist

        4. “Hi honey, it’s me again. How are you?”
          “Just chilling.”
          “It’s good to hear your voice again. My ministry is kind of floundering, how’s yours?”
          “Pretty rotten.”
          “Oh that’s too bad. We had 1,000 souls at our last meeting; how about you?”
          “Oh, it’s been pretty dead around here.”

          …I can keep going 😈

        5. That man is still alive? I remember watching that looney toon on TV when I was a kid. This was in the early 80’s. We always thought it was so funny when he would shout “HEEYALD” and smack some fool on the forehead and knock them backwards. He’s got to be about 150 years old by now.

  9. I don’t follow all the news; does this refer to anyone in the news named “Jed”?

    Anyway, this was good. Too bad “man worship” didn’t fit in there somewhere.

    1. I was wondering the same thing!! Who’s Jed, and where can I get the skinny on him? LOL!

    2. No particular Jed. I have had a habit of changing words to songs since I was a wee lad, often making up parodies in the spot. One of the songs on my playlist at work is Bela Fleck and Brandi Carlile (“Little Worlds” album) doing a hip-hop cover of the old Flatt and Scruggs tune, which I also have in my collection.
      Anyway, I started witha parson named Jed and it stayed in my mind a few days, and voilà, this is the end result.
      Les DuLunch is a contributing editor. He should be listed somewhere in the liner notes.

      For a change of pace,
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=XTQLoMeclgQ

    2. Based on his experience and his record and his proven interests, I think Bill Got Hard is still resisting his true calling– that of sex therapist. 👿

    3. Gothard (what a Freudian name!) adds “P.H.D.” to his name.

      If he really has an earned doctorate from an accredited academic institution, it would be “Ph.D.”

      I just checked with my wife on this, as she is indeed a true Ph.D.

        5. Ha ha, VTUWEP – my grandpa (who has a real PhD) used to say the same thing – Bullsh*t, More Sh*t, and Piled High and Deep. Of course, he had to write out his engineering dissertation long hand and with a slide rule…

        7. I didn’t think about the age before typewriters, but I was wondering how to write with a slide rule.
          Heck, I can barely multiply simple problems with mine.

        9. When I was younger, I always slid headfirst. I never could coordinate the feet first slide very well.

        10. There were typewriters. But the rules at the time were that your dissertation had to be written out long hand, with your right hand (Grandpa is left-handed). Then, the ONE secretary with the ONE typewriter (manual) had to type it out EXACTLY as you wrote it. And this is why we were able to put a man on the moon with 8kb of memory!

        11. My dad, for the sake of decency around us kids, told us that “B.S” stood for “bird seed”, “M.S.” was “more of the same”, “PhD”, “piled higher and deeper”. It was several years before I knew the original (and more accurate) meaning.

    4. Perhaps Mr. Gothard missed his calling and should have run for public office. I could see the selfie scandal headlines already!

      Except in reality this is a very damaged person that just can’t seem to keep himself in check. I wouldn’t wish a Mr. Gothard on anyone, even my worst Fundie enemy. And those Fundie enemies are pretty rotten.

        1. Amazing.
          I thought Jim Bakker had died, but I must have confused him with someone else.
          The former Tammy Faye Bakker died in 2007.
          Fun fact: Jim Bakker and political crackpot Lyndon LaRouche were cellmates for a while.

        3. Actually, the FIRE buck is just a bucket of fire starters. The only place you can get food from Bakker’s store is the 72-Hour Food / Fire / Filter Bucket.

          Yes, for one hundred fifty dollars, you get 76 Servings of Emergency Food, one (1) foldable grill, one (1) 2-Quart Stainless Steel Pot, one (1) box of Waterproof Matches (40 ct.), one (1) 24 oz. Water Filtration Bottle, two (2) 8 oz. Drinking Cups, two (2) Foldable Utensils, and nine (9) packets of Insta Fire. It is expensive at half the price!

          And what gourmet treats are in store for you? The 76 servings include: Granola (10 Servings), Multigrain Cereal (10 Servings), Oatmeal (10 Servings), Instant Milk (8 Servings), Instant Orange Drink (8 Servings), Creamy Tomato Soup (10 Servings), Creamy Vegetable Rice (10 Servings), and Potato Chowder (10 Servings).

          Wow! And no mention that the servings are in individual packets! No mention of how big a serving is! The assumption is that the servings will be small. After all, this is an emergency kit! In a real emergency there is practically nothing to eat, and this kit will help you feel like you are in a real emergency!

          In the mean time you can look at their news articles and topics of interest. One article about the nurse infected with ebola in Texas has been labeled “inspirational” and begins with Revelation 6:7-8, verses about disease, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and the different ways people will die.

          Really inspirational!

        4. Jim Bakker won’t die because he’s eating his own survivalist food. He has him a new wife too. Like Tammy Faye 30 years ago before she got her face implants.

        5. rtgmath sez:
          “I have this fantasy of Chris Christie, Rick Scott, Scott Walker, and Rick Perry all in the same prison wing. Call it G-block.”

          Oh, if I could only live long enough to see that, I would die happy!

          They should all be in the same cell. Prisons are crowded these days.

        6. Costco sells a similar “emergency bucket” for around $50. Except the Costco one probably has more and better things in it.
          Costco advertises it for emergencies like hurricanes or floods or blizzards, not for the Apocalypse.

        7. On a serious note, I do think the nurse who contracted Ebola is inspirational, though it has nothing to do with Revelation. She knowingly risked her own health and life to try to help a sick person. In my book, that makes her a real hero, in an era when so many fake “heros” are celebrated foolishly or dishonestly.

        8. Oh, I agree that she is inspirational. My complaint is that they use verses about diseases being the judgment of God, which rather puts the premise that she is facing the judgment of God, somehow!

          I mean, no matter that the article itself doesn’t say that, exactly. But that is the pre-article spin. Sure, she is getting a transfusion from an ebola survivor. That could be inspirational. Except these d**n sinners are trying to escape the judgement of God! How dare they?

          Fundies are nothing if not irrational!

        9. I didn’t see a Tammy Faye “Mascara Emergency” case of a dozen cases there. Something is CLEARLY wrong.

        10. Remember Jim Bakker’s book “I Was Wrong”? It came out soon after he was sent to prison. An acquaintance who thought he was “the real thing” loaned it to me to read, couldn’t get through the first page it was so disgustingly self-aggrandizing thinly disguised as self-deprecating, and ALL about himself. And the book jacket was a picture of his mug which took up the entire cover, with the classic sad puppy “I’m the victim” expression. I looked at my friend in awesome disbelief that she would entertain any thoughts that he had any credibility. That is when I came to an important conclusion: a lot of people out there who vote and reproduce also love the taste of bullhockey and can’t seem to get enough of it. So there Mr. Bakker is, sucking up to whoever will feed his ego (and pocketbook) in exchange for and endless supply of the tasty stuff. Puke.

    1. Greetings, Bama Man. Please reassure me again. I am losing faith in my beloved Tide. Thank you!

      2. Clears throat……

        Are you ready?
        Hell, yeah! Damn Right!
        Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty
        Who the hell are we, Hey!
        Flim Flam, Bim Bam
        OLE MISS BY DAMN!

        But Bama did beat Arkansas last week. Yay!

    1. But it is good for a man not to touch a woman, so the MOG would lose by default. And before anyone mentions anything about slapping Grandma, I again quote the above verse to you. I’m sure it’s out of context, but this is Fundystan, so does it really matter?

    1. Actually, he is a Fundy. He is definitely not the IFB tribe, but he is a fundy. He tries to exercise the same level of control, justifies his own sin, is determined to stay in the ministry despite being caught. With the exception of having AIDS, he and Jack Schapp could be buddies (well, being black might put a damper on Jack’s acceptance).

      Pentecostalism is its own kind of fundy. And yes, IFB fundies don’t like Pentecostal fundies. Neither of these like Southern Baptist fundies. None of these like Mormon or Seventh-Day Adventist fundies. But they are all fundy.

  17. I remember going to Jed’s megachurch where he sold books from Schaap & Hyles and sent his students to HAC to honor the Pope that is Hyles.

    Also remember when Brother Jed had the comedian Tony Hutson “Preaching” and telling fat lady jokes HAY-MAN!

    Plus I remember when he had old Jim Vineyard bring his automatic shotgun collection and shot up the auditorium HAY-MAN!

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