After two thousand years of assuring the world that the Christian church lives in a blissful state of sinless perfection and perfect harmony, the facade was suddenly shattered this week when a member at the One Door and Only One Baptist Church finally had enough and started telling it like it is on Facebook.
“This is going to shock a lot of people,” wrote Mrs. Eulalie Mackechnie, “but some of the pastors in this area are just plain mean and I don’t think their stories are always true either.”
The shocking post only lasted for an hour before being taken down but the damage had already been done. As far away as the new Baptist church on the other side of town and as nearby as the local Waffle House, many people are stunned to have their ideas about Baptists in particular and Christianity as a whole called into such doubt. Some, however, claim that they have been suspicious that not all was as it seemed for a very long time.
“You know, last year I was walking downtown and a street preacher screamed at me that I was going straight to hell if I didn’t tuck my shirt in,” recalls local construction worker Finbar Hynson, “At the time I just thought he was really trying to look out for me and I appreciated him saying something but later it struck me that it was really kind of rude. Since nobody else I know has ever had a bad encounter with somebody from a church I figured I was probably just mistaken. Now I’m thinking I may have been right all along.”
In written statement from the One Door and Only One Baptist Church, Senior Pastor Joe Bixters lamented the post as the work of a bitter person who is probably herself not even a real Christian. It said in part:
“It has long been accepted the world over that Christians have no scandals, abuses, quarrels, petty fights, or hypocrisy. The fact that it was a member of this church has now given the world cause to think that we might be having problems is disheartening and the obvious work of Satan in our midst. There are no problems here and if you see any you are being deceived.”
For her part, Eulalie Mackechnie was unavailable for further comment and conversations with her neighbors revealed that she hasn’t been seen leaving her house since her church deacon board popped by for a surprise visit earlier this week.