Cleaning Toilets

No matter how autocratic a fundamentalist leader may be, he will be obligated from time to time to pay lip service to the concept of servant leadership. This usually takes the form of recounting stories from the early days of his ministry when as a young preacher boy he served as the junior assistant to the associate youth pastor. Whatever else this story may involve there will without a doubt be a mention of cleaning toilets.

Indeed, in fundamentalism it appears that cleaning a toilet is the mark of a servant leader. It’s as if sometime during Bible college, the entire graduating class of preacher boys is taken by night to a candle-lit ceremonial loo scrubbing after which they are inducted into the society of Preachers Who Once Actually Got Their Hands A Smidge Dirty.

So, young man, shoulder your scrubber and clean with care. You too someday may regale your flock with stories of a time when you did your obeisance before the porcelain throne. And then you’ll stand in the ranks of the Servant Leaders, flushed with pride.

(Many thanks to Justin for the idea and my apologies for the tardiness in adding this acknowledgment.)

27 thoughts on “Cleaning Toilets”

  1. This is only marginally related, but as a little kid I noticed that my church’s toilets (or at least the lids) were made by a company called Bemis. So for the rest of my life, every time I hear a fundy sermon on eschatology I’m going to hear “the Bemis Seat Judgment” and get a, uh, rather odd mental image. Yes, I’m the one who snickers in the back during meditations on the millennium.

    a candle-lit ceremonial loo scrubbing

    Also, this made me laugh a lot.

  2. every time I hear a fundy sermon on eschatology I’m going to hear “the Bemis Seat Judgment” and get a, uh, rather odd mental image.

    bwahahahahaha!

  3. I would make a joke about reading this post from the Bemis seat, but that would be TMI. But yeah, I’ve seen that brand before, and this post is terribly hilarious! 😀

  4. I cleaned toilets through 6 years of college, 2 years of military. I never felt humbled and I find this post very amusing. I’d be more impressed if preachers state that they licked the bowl.

    It sort of reminds me of preachers having everyone stand when reading the Bible in church to show respect to the Word of God and then taking God’s Word out of context.

  5. So, in Bible college it was said of our president that bathrooms were cleaner after he left. He was a super-servant leader… on his Bemis seat.

  6. Best advice for a long & peaceful marriage: always remember to flush (twice if needed) & put the seat down! A happy wife, a happy life.

  7. “I’d be more impressed if preachers state that they licked the bowl.”
    Hahaha!

    This Bemis seat thing is making me feel weird…Although I think I’m going to looking out for those now.

    And loved the play on words at the end!

    Also reminds me of a story my ex-youth pastor told several times during “story-time” (a.k.a. the sermon). He told of how his first time preaching for the “main service” or something like that, as soon as it was over, instead of receiving good hearty words of cheer, my dad apparently went up to him and told him how some little kid clogged a toilet. Therefore, he had his “humbling experience”. Good times.

  8. Now I get it! hahahaha I now know where most IFB pastors get the inspiration for their sermons… they’re recycled!

  9. You’d think with all their toilet cleaning they would have noticed how many churches have “American Standard” toilets when they should have King James Versions.

    1. King James Version toilets: I’d think the local public health authorities might object strenuously to the dumping of chamber pots in the streets…

  10. Where did you get that picture from? It looks wierd especially if its for IFB preachers(no fat jokes there its just the creepy smiling). This new design looks like a hybrid between the old on and last nights. Pretty good balance.

  11. “The man that pisseth sitting down is an abomination to the LORD- I Hesitations 40:5”

    Hah! Love it!

  12. @Jordan M. Poss: way to go. I don’t think I’ve ever be able to hear a sermon on anything related to the judgment seat quite the same way again! Of course, not being in a fundy church that’s not really a topic that comes up much.

    @Richard Sullivan: smart man. 🙂

    @ Nathan: “He told of how his first time preaching for the “main service” or something like that, as soon as it was over, instead of receiving good hearty words of cheer, my dad apparently went up to him and told him how some little kid clogged a toilet.” LOL that would totally be like him!

  13. not being in a fundy church that’s not really a topic that comes up much.

    Yeah, I realized after the fact that I probably won’t actually sit through that many more fundy eschatological sermons… All the better. But I’m glad to give some others something to choke back laughter about. 😀

  14. Bluddle-Uddle-Um Dum

    Step up to the tub
    It ain’t no disgrace
    Just pull up your sleeves
    And get up in place
    Then scoop up the water
    And rub it on your face
    An’ go blud-dle-ud-dle-ud-dle
    Ud-dle-um-dum

    Pick up the soap
    Now don’t try to to bluff
    Work up a lather
    An’ when ya got enough
    Get your hands full of water
    Ya snort an ya snuff
    An’ go blud-dle-ud-dle-ud-dle
    Ud-dle-um-dum

    Ya douse an souse
    Ya rub and scrub
    Ya sputter and splash all over the tub
    You may be cold and wet when your done
    But ya gotta admit it’s goot clean fun

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_Bz50ynU7Q

  15. This is true, however once they graduate from toilet plunging, they never go back. There was a clogged toiled in my old fundy church and when I brought it to the assistant MOG’s attention, he shrugged and said “What do you want me to do about it? I’ll get to it on Monday.” So I hunted down a plunger and did it myself. 👿

  16. Ok so the oh so humble manogawd actually scrubbed a toilet once in his life. What’s that supposed to prove? That he really considers no job beneath him? I’d like to see him do it at home rather than leaving it to mommy or wifey. And speaking of chores the men gladly leave to women how about changing a baby’s diaper? How about nursery duty for men? Uh huh, I didn’t think so. 👿

  17. “I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue…” why does this seem so appropriate here? :mrgreen:

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