It’s been a while since our last dose of Schaap so here we go…

There’s a general rule when it comes to fundy church websites: if the URL of the church website is the name of the pastor, run away!

This week’s pick jamesknox.com(also the home of THE BIBLE Baptist Church of DeLand, Florida) certainly fits the bill. Here you’ll find prominent displays of Bro. Knox’s self-proclaimed “classic sermons”, thoughts (on Tiger Woods: “Why anyone is surprised that a man who curses the name of Jesus Christ over a poorly hit golf ball would be unfaithful to his wife is a mystery to me.”), commentary, and radio broadcasts as well as the ubiquitous Bible school. As for that last please note that the school does not have “Banquets, dances, festivals and other thinly disguised observances of pagan holidays.” and “nothing in place to promote romance among our students.” So there. Bro. Knox evidently keeps busy.

Be sure to check out the pictures from the 2009 Bible conference which includes one shot of the preacher kissing (sniffing?, licking?) his Bible, some great examples of sign-holding evangelism, and more collared shirts than you can shake a stick at.

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer.”It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”
“Praise choruses?” asked the wife. “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The farmer said, “Well it’s like this . . . if I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you, ‘Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, in the CORN, CORN, CORN, COOOOORRRRRNNNNN.’ Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus.”

As luck would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

“Hymns?” asked the wife. “What are those?”

“They’re okay. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the young man.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The young man said, “Well it’s like this ¦ If I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four, and change keys on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.

Thanks to James for this gem.

It’s the time of year when people are in a giving spirit. Whether they’re in pursuit of good karma, tax breaks, or just old fashioned goodwill toward men, folks are breaking out the check books and giving of their time. For the average fundamentalist, however, attempting to give to charity is a sticky situation. For to them, giving of one’s money is tantamount to an endorsement of everything that organization has ever done, said, or created in macramé.

So what if there is not a fundamentalist organization working with the homeless in your town? Sorry, fellas! Until that homeless shelter gets right and stops using the NIV in its devotionals, you’ll get no soup from us!

Thinking about giving some time at the local pregnancy crisis center? You can’t do that because it’s run by Catholics! What those pregnant women really need is an old fashioned altar not some dress-wearing papist priest, amen?

Out of options for where to give? There is always the local church building fund…

Since the year is almost over, I’ve decided to arbitrarily pick the top 10 SFL posts of 2009 based on nothing more than my own whims and carbohydrate-induced euphoria.

10. Soul Winning
9. Non-Charismatic Divine “Leadings”
8. Teen Missions Trips
7. Bible Covers
6. The 1 and 3
5. Witnessing to Presbyterians
4.The Weaker Brother
3. The Appearance of Evil
2. Testimony Time
1. 1963

Honorable Mention: Unspoken Prayer Requests

It’s that time of year when the world falls in love and peace and earth and goodwill toward men reigns supreme. Yet even in this time of merry-making and fruitcake slinging, fundamentalists will find someone to attack: Old St. Nick.

For Santa Clause is THE GREAT IMPOSTER who will lead your children astray not only each December but possibly for eternity. The reasoning goes something like this…

If a parent tells their trusting child that Santa is real and and that he is omniscient (knows if they’ve been naughty or nice), omnipresent (can get around the world in one night), and omnipotent (not sure about this one but just go with it) then when they learn he is not real they’ll lose faith not only in Santa but will be forced to believe that God is a mere fairytale as well. Did you get that? Good.

Not content to leave it there, fundies then decide to heap unto themselves further proofs that Santa is not only imaginary, he is also evil as well. The SANTA = SATAN theme is preached far and wide. Their proof for this connection?

An internet Google search on “Satan Claus” [not Santa Claus – but SATAN Claus] found over 1,700 hits! Obviously, there are many that tie the two together.

We also learn that Old Nick is

“A well-known British name of the Devil. It seems probable that this name is derived from the Dutch Nikken, the devil…”
(Encyclopedia of Occultism and Parapsychology, p.650)

He’s also a saint so we know the Roman Catholics are involved somehow which probably means it’s a global conspiracy. I don’t know about you but that settles it for me. Not only is Santa not real but he is also the devil. One can only imagine what fundies must think of the tooth fairy.

From the folks who brought you the classic hit “If There’s Hair On Your Ears “(there’s sin in your heart) comes the new song 12 Fundamental Days of Christmas.

“On the first day of Christmas the true church gave to me, a red letter KJV.” Then we’re off to six babies crying, and five comfy pews, then NO ladies dancing, NO pipers piping, and NO drummers drumming!

Thanks to Paul for the link

Ripped from the Headlines… (ok, it was actually probably buried on page J32 but still)

NIPOMO — A lawn display of a Jesus shooting Santa Claus has residents in one San Luis Obispo County city up in arms.

The controversial Christmas display shows a Jesus figure pointing a double-barrel shotgun at a dead Santa figure. Santa’s reindeer Rudolph lays sprawled across the hood of a pickup truck nearby.

Some neighbors have asked the display be removed, but its maker, Ron Lake, says it’s a work of art denouncing the commercialization of Christmas.

Police said that because Lake built the display on private property they cannot force him to take it down.

Some residents plan to start a petition.

via ktla.com

I have no idea what Mr. Lake’s religious beliefs are but a story with guns, dead Santa, a pickup truck and angry neighbors protesting sounds like a fundy’s Christmas dream come true.

Thanks to “coffee bean” for the link.

This was submitted by a faithful SFL reader who snapped a picture with his cell phone while visiting a fundy church. He had to do it quickly because in his words “it’s pretty obvious when a guy is standing and pointing a phone at a picture that he’s not texting – I had to take a quick shot before someone walked around a corner and rightly assumed I shared no common belief with the picture.”

Do you have a snapshot of fundyism that you’d like to share? Send it along to photos@stufffundieslike.com

This week’s pick is the website of Heritage Baptist Church in Endicott, New York. In addition to having the normal fundy website features, this site contains one page of particular note — or many notes as the case may be.

Indeed this congregation has discovered music encoded in the Scriptures. This inspired music is “derived and played from a combination of the Hebrew words, verbal and musical syntax, syllables and accent marks found in the Masoretic text of the Old Testament.” And then it just gets weird. They claim “One should recognize that this music is not separate from God’s inspired and preserved words; thus, the music is God’s inspired and preserved music. ” From the music presented we’re left to believe that God writes music in Western style and 4/4 time. Oy vey.

Enjoy!