Remember all the hype about the “Bible Burning” at Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, NC?

Well, it didn’t exactly go as planned. In fact, there wasn’t any actual burning to speak of. In the first place it rained. Then it turns out that there’s a law against burning paper in North Carolina and the neighbors weren’t too keen on it either. To top it off, local law enforcement asked that that the whole thing be held inside. So what really happened at the “Bible Burning” was…this:

Thrilling stuff! Be sure to check out the videos of the singing and preaching before hand and all the rest of the 34 minutes of unremarkable footage of books being destroyed. You would think they would have at least splurged on a big black menacing-looking trashcan instead of just borrowing a little anemic one from the kitchen.

I think someone needs to come up with an official award for badly executed fundy publicity stunts. Any suggestions on a name for it?

A favorite fundy illustration is imagining that God’s laws are like a line drawn in the sand and that breaking a law is crossing that line. Not content to leave well enough alone, the fundamentalist then goes on to add this inevitable statement: “A lot of you like to stand with your toes right on the line when you should be as far away from the line as possible. Let me tell you where I think you should draw the line…”

But it does not end there. Not only must one re-draw the line, one must then build an impenetrable wall on the new line and shoot anyone who attempts to cross it. One must fortify this wall with obscure passages and long-winded preaching rants full of illustrations of those who crossed the line to their own doom. This is known as having “standards.”

In time, one may forget entirely that this line isn’t the one God drew at all. In fact, some may even decide to draw another even further afield, rejecting those who hold a different line as being too worldly.

Fundies aren’t the first ones to indulge in this kind of thing, however. Jesus even had a few things to say about some old-school line re-drawers. For details, check out Matthew 23.

“Y’all pray for me now, I ain’t practiced much.”

Wear anything less than your Sunday best to a non-denominational church and fundies will declare that you are a liberal compromiser with itching ears who is giving less than your best to God. On the other hand, if you wear overalls and a straw hat to fundamentalist church on a previously agreed upon Sunday,  that’s just being ‘old-fashioned’ which is a whole ‘nother thing entirely.

There is a fundamentalist principle at work here: “It is not ok to do something they way they used to do prior to the 1950’s unless you explicitly state that you are doing it merely to demonstrate or imitate the way they did it prior to the 1950’s.” It is this reasoning that accounts for phenomena such as male college students wearing a button that proclaims that the reason for their lengthy hair style is that they are in a dramatic production set in the 1700’s. It’s the nearest fundy equivalent to special dispensation.

Be sure to stay for “dinner on the grounds.” The fried chicken is mighty fine.

Thanks to @Viniator3 for the idea

“If you are interested in joining this group of godly, fundamental, Christian ladies who use only the King James Version of the Bible, then this is the place for you.” But be warned: “Use only KJV when posting scripture of any kind, or it will be deleted. I will not tolerate gossip or backbiting of any kind, or any slang of language, like “gees” or “golly”.”

Make no mistake, Barbara (a.k.a. PastorsMate) runs things with an iron hand. If “you’ve prayed about it” and you’re up to the challenge, be sure to fill out an application for membership. Premium Membership also available.

Are you letting the joy of Jesus show on your face? Never mind that He was a man of sorrows. Let’s ignore that the king upon who’s throne He sits spent a lot of time writing depressed poetry and music. Just put out of your mind the weeping and lamenting prophets. Just let the joy of Jesus shine on your face no matter what. Verbal beatings will commence until morale goes up.

If you’ve ever had a choir director launch a red-faced screaming tirade that you don’t look happy enough…you might have been a fundamentalist.

BECAUSE WHO REALLY NEEDS A WELL-CONSTRUCTED ARGUMENT WHEN YOU’VE GOT VIRTUAL VOLUME WHEREWITH TO BLAST THE LIBRALS, BACKSLIDERS AND COMPROMISERS?

If your fundamentalist church ran its own radio station (as an inordinate number do) you’ve probably heard these words pouring forth from your radio:

The Bible says, “Every wise woman buildeth her house; but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1). Each day, Beneth Peters Jones shares with you spiritual helps for building rather than battering your home.

This is pure gold. A show by a housewife for housewives (who one supposes are listening whilst they are baking, cleaning, and doing obeisance to their husbands) could not help but be a hit with fundamentalists.

In the clip below, Beneth takes on the topic of “Depression.” Notice that she takes care to address her remarks to women. After all, you wouldn’t want a man thinking she was trying to tell him what to do.

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I feel better already.

For more soapsuds goodness, be sure to check out her two books from BJU Press.