As has been posted before, fundamentalists love their dispensational charts. However, this love of charting does not  stop with maps of the end times.

Feast your eyes upon this masterpiece chart featuring the tree of Bible origins:

Thanks to James for the link.

And speaking of BJU…

Evidently sites that fall into the objectionable category include Facebook, Blogger, YouTube, and Wikipedia. If someone there on campus could let me know if this site is blocked, I’d appreciate it.

Fundamentalists not only believe that the sign gifts of acts have ceased, they also believe that those who practice tongues, prophecy, and healing gifts in the modern church are actually empowered by dark forces of evil. To prove this point beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is a great illustration that has been floating around fundamentalist circles for about forty years now that goes something like this…

A missionary from some faraway dark place that is just lousy with demon activity comes back home from the field and goes to a church service where people are speaking in tongues. As he listens suddenly he turns white as a ghost and yells at everybody to stop because unbeknownst to them they have been blaspheming fluently in a foreign language!!!

The key here is that the language must be very obscure and known only to the missionary who tells the story. The devil is sneaky enough not to make people blaspheme in something so common as Spanish or Italian. It must be some strange  dialect that is only known to a few natives in some place like Africa,  China, or Boston.

But no matter how apocryphal the circumstances there’s no doubt in any fundamentalist mind that such a thing could happen and indeed probably did happen. Who knows? One supposes that if an infinite number of charismatics held and infinite number of services anything is possible.

If you’ve ever referred to women as a “help meet” for men you might be a fundamentalist.

The use of this phrase is an odd phenomenon pulled from Genesis 2:18 where the Lord says, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Translated in other ways God is saying that He will make man a helper “fit for”, “corresponding to” or “suitable for” him. But one supposes calling a woman a “help corresponding” just doesn’t have the same ring to it and more importantly those phrases do not imply that a woman’s main function is to meet a man’s needs.

There’s no record of who started using “help-meet” as a noun but it’s clear that fundies think that’s what the King James Bible intends for us to do. It’s hard to say what they’d think of husbands being called “lover submitters” per Ephesians 5. I’m sure they’d consult the Greek and find it lacking.

Have you ever wondered what the relationship was between the King James Bible and Aliens? Look no further than jeffreymardis.com, the “the domain of Sword-In-Hand Publishing, the King James-Only, end-times discernment publishing ministry of Christian author and self-publisher Jeffrey W. Mardis; and the online home of the Discernment Clearinghouse, a book and DVD resource center for Bible-believing Christains(sic).”

It appears that there ARE aliens in the Bible. The Bible DOES depict space travel. (I have a suspicion this is an attempt to witness by talking about angels and demons as ET beings but I’m not willing to shell out $8.95 to find out.)

In the “us vs. them” world of fundamentalism anyone who is not a fundamentalist is eyed with a great deal of suspicion of not being a true believer. Narrow is the way and few non-Baptists there be that find it.

This distrust and general ignorance about other Christian denominations leads to the interesting situation of fundamentalists spending their time preaching to the converted. It goes something like this…

Fundy: “Hello, we’re here from Saved, Sanctified, Separated, and Suit-Wearing Baptist Church and we just wanted to know if you go to church anywhere.”

Presbyterian: “Well, yes I’m an elder at Westminster Presbyterian Church.”

F: “That’s great! So if you were to die today, where would you spend eternity?”

P: “I’d be with God for eternity.”

F “Are you sure about that? Belief in the Pope doesn’t save you, you know.”

P: “Uh…we don’t…”

F: “And what’s more you can know for sure that you are saved without worrying about losing it.”

P: “Well, being a Calvinist…”

F: “Oh, you’re a Calvinist! Well that doesn’t save you either!”

P: “I never said…”

F: “Have you ever asked Jesus to come into your heart?”

P: “That phrase has some serious theological issues there that…”

F: “Theology won’t get you into heaven either, my friend! Have you ever walked an aisle to a good old-fashioned altar?”

P: “We don’t really do that….”

This may continue until the Presbyterian in a fit of desperation invites the fundamentalist in to chat over a beer. All that remains is to watch the fundy shake the dust off his shoes and depart in search of someone easier to evangelize. Maybe they can find a Methodist…

Do you want to get a degree for ministry but don’t want to bother learning Greek, Hebrew, or even English Grammar? Have we got the place for you!

Gulf Coast Bible Institute provides the following courses that are indispensable for any fundamentalist preacher boy who is headed into the ministry.

CL-018 Overcoming Sinful Habits (3 Credits)
BI-009 Music Evaluation (2 Credit)
TS-024 Sins of the last days (1 Credit)
CL-006 Conquer Impure Thoughts (.5 Credits)

If you’re a woman you can take:
LA-001 Spiritual Needs of Husbands in lieu of BI-003 Preaching Techniques.

They do NOT, however, give out honorary degrees. Pity.

If you’ve ever been asked what your birth date is and responded like this “My birthday is August 13th and my spiritual birthday is June 18th”…you’ve probably been a fundamentalist.

Knowing the date of your second birthday is imperative. If that day and hour are not emblazoned on your consciousness then there’s a good possibility that you didn’t really, really, really mean it. Since really, really meaning it is what actually gets you saved, not knowing the specifics may mean you never were.

If you ever find yourself having lost your salvation date do not panic. There is always a chance to get saved again just to be sure; just be careful not to take a chance on losing it this time by writing down today’s date in the front of your Bible for safe keeping. Then make sure to carry that Bible with at all times. You never know when some other fundamentalists will ask your birthdays.