Fundamentalists are great fans of Bible covers. Where else can you store 43 gospel tracts, a year’s worth of bulletins, cough drops, gum, extra strength tissues for repentance-quality crying, two pens, six highlighters, 4 bookmarks, a Read Through the Bible in Year guide from 1983 and (if there’s still room) a Bible.

But the  question the fundamentalist must ask  is: what kind of statement does my Bible cover make? Let’s explore some of the options:

Thy Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet…and also doubles as an emergency reflector.

I’m in the Lord’s army. And the Idaho Citizens’ Constitutional Militia.

Finally, a Bible that matches my outfit!

I’m a Southern Baptist on the Inside

I also have an extensive decorated plate collection…

Thanks to this cover, I no longer worry about getting lost in the church vestibule.

I’m patriotic. And home schooled. And I also sew name tags in all my clothes

I have Beach Boys tapes hidden in my closet.

I’m a Preacher Boy. And I’ve got the business cards to prove it.

This week’s pick is preachersparadise.org. If you have epilepsy, please beware the seizure-inducing flashing banner. You have been warned.

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Ask any fundamentalist if dancing is a sin and you’ll likely receive a lecture on the sensuality and lust that is provoked when movements are set to music. The fact that a child of two will bop to the music of Sesame Street is seen as evidence both that the child has a radically corrupt sin nature and that Sesame Street is likely run by homosexual Communists.

Yet for all that, many fundamentalists enjoy a large amount of dancing, provided that the folks who are doing it are in a movie that is at least fifty years old or on the Lawrence Welk show. Fred and Ginger’s taps and twirls and Danny Kaye’s soft shoe routines are a staple of many fundamentalist video libraries. Time sanctifies all things.

There’s no doubt that those dances were much more genteel than the popular moves of this era. But can anyone imagine the uproar if ballroom dancing classes were offered at a fundamentalist college? Unless, of course, it’s in aid of a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. As one college music teacher explained “this isn’t choreography — it’s structured movement.” Well that explains everything then.

The fundamentalist proudly proclaims that “A dancing foot and a praying knee are not found on the same leg.” Unless that leg is part of a production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

many thanks to James for the idea

The fundamentalist world was rocked recently when a scholar from a prestigious fundamentalist university opined in a book that maybe people in the Bible really did drink fermented wine after all. Now from all reports he still wasn’t advocating that people are allowed to drink in moderation today — after all, baptists do follow in the holiness tradition of being total abstainers when it comes to alcohol — but even this slight allowance has caused the likes of the Sword of the Lord to spill barrels of ink denouncing the scholar, the university, the book, and all their friends, relations, chattels, and livestock.

Regardless of the fact that history shows total abstinence from alcohol has been held mainly by heretics and some sects of Roman Catholic monks, fundies embrace it as dogma to the point of  writing it into their church constitutions and/or church covenants.

If we are to take the rule that no alcohol may ever pass ones lips literally, however, there are a few points which may need some clarification.

- How long may one gargle with Listerine® (26.9% alcohol) without sin?
- If one uses hand sanitizer and then proceeds to licks their fingers, is this too a matter for church discipline?
- Is taking NyQuil (25%), Ambesol(70%), Formula 44D(20%), or Contrex (20%) a transgression? And if it’s ok to take those, is it also ok to sip a few teaspoons of whiskey (50% alcohol) as long as you’ve got a cold?

First medicinal wine from a teaspoon then beer from a bottle. Oh, we got trouble…

This week’s pick is sonsofthundr.com. This site pretty much defies description so I’ll forgo and let just let you experience it on your own.

Be sure to check out the Warning to Pastors about halfway down the first page. It’s…quite something.

Favorite Line: “I’ve never met an exegesis that could take the place of preaching.”

Vote Early and Often

Yes, there is a liturgy to even Fundamentalists services

Thanks to Paul and Cindy Erlandson for this great piece.

(click image to enlarge)

Rather than have a centralized mission board like other denominations use, fundamentalists have at last count one and a half bajillion missions boards — most of which are located in an around the South-Eastern United States. Greenville, South Carolina alone has more missions agencies than there are new countries created from the former USSR. There are also some fundy missionaries forgo using a mission board all together, deciding rather to go to the field without the help (or training) of a missions agency. Missionary school? I don’t need no stinkin’ missionary school!

Since there is no requirement that fundamentalist churches contribute to any given person or organization, it’s up to each congregation to decide how much they want to give. In many fundy churches they do this by a process called “Faith Promise.” Basically this involves each person making a wild guess and then putting God on the hook for the funds. Promising to give more money than I can afford and assuming that God will make up the shortfall is apparently a great act of faith. Are you a retiree on social security? Go ahead an pledge $1000 per month. I’m sure God’s good for it.

Based on these guesses, the church puts together its budget for missionary support and promises missionaries that they will be sent a certain amount each month — with no guarantee that they will, in fact, be able to pay it. This is called “living by faith” and allegedly gives the missionary great spiritual maturity and more than a few ulcers when paying his bills.

It’s strange that pastors don’t operate their salaries on this same principle by giving away all the church budget and only living on the extra that God brings in. There’s a fine line between faith and foolishness.

This week’s pick is the imaginatively named av1611.org. Subtle.

Whatever fundy flavor you’re looking for, you’ll find it here. 666 theories?check. Theories that Santa is really Satan?got it!. Lessons on how to spot a “counterfeit” Bible? Do you even need to ask?

There’s just too much to take in at a single sitting. Bookmark this one and come back often.