For a fee you can now see every edition of the Sword of the Lord back to 1937. Glory!

For those who are not familiar with the Sword of the Lord imagine what the National Enquirer would look like if written by Fundamentalists. Then slice in some sermons from C.H. Spurgeon (with the Calvinist stuff cleverly chopped out) and sprinkle with a bunch of ads for church bus ministries. Stir well. No need to add nuts, they’re already included.

“Storehouse Tithing” is a favorite topic among fundamentalist pastors, especially when building project fever strikes a congregation. And why not preach on tithing regularly? It’s a frequent theme through Scripture as evidenced by at least 3 or 4 verses in the New Testament — most of which involve Jesus using it as example of the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. And then there are all the times when the command is given to the church. There’s…uh…well…I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.

Asking a fundamentalist to explain this lack of New Testament commands about tithing will likely be met by a lecture on “evil questioning” and a few hand-picked verses from the Old Testament that fundies somehow know are still applicable today. One can only assume there is a special class in “Figuring Out Which Old Testament Stuff The Church Still Needs To Do” given at the local basement bible college. (Short Answer: Whichever parts don’t involve giving up cotton blend shirts or bacon)

A fun experiment is asking a fundy whether or not 9% of their tithe is kept in the levitical refuge cities. After all, if we’re following the Scripture let’s follow all of it, amen?

Now where did I put my wave offering….

For sheer volume of eclectic content, it’s hard to beat this weeks Fundy Site of the Week run by David J. Stewart. The front page (43 clicks to get to the bottom!) alone contains dozens of topics ranging from 9/11 conspiracies to the claim that God hates Christmas. And just to round things out there are also claims of Satanic influences in the Vatican and then an entire page dedicated to…Hawaiian guitar? Pardon me for a moment while I stare off into space. With so many glaring colors and photos it’s hard to look for too long without feeling a little disoriented.

This site provides a classic example for the syndrome of Claiming to Be the Last True Fundamentalist. Even though David Stewart and David Cloud are obviously cut from the same cloth, they evidently have nothing good to say about each other

But never fear, the author makes it very clear that this is Not a Hate Site. Although where the love is remains unclear.

(Yes, I know I’ve posted this type of things before but since it never ceases to amaze me, I can’t help but add one more to the record.)

Although Lester Roloff is perhaps best known for his homes for troubled youth, he was also very active in fundamentalist circles with everything from radio broadcasts to revival services. His sermons against television, alcohol, tobacco, pork, psychology, and Communism are largely regarded as classics by many fundamentalists.

After the State of Texas passed laws in 1975 that required licensing his youth homes, Roloff was arrested twice for refusing to comply. In 1982 Roloff’s plane crashed during a storm killing himself and three women on board. Incidentally, the crash occured on the same day that Governor Mark White — who had promised to shut down the Roloff homes — was elected. The wreckage of the crashed airplane in which he died is the centerpiece of Roloff Park at Hyles-Anderson College.

Presented here for your listening pleasure is one of his more famous “sermons” entitled “And the Mule Walked On” in which are addressed the topics of: long hair on men, short hair on women, makeup on women, hippies, buying gas on Sunday, too many people going swimming on Sunday, too many women cooking on Sunday, reading the newspaper on Sunday, newspaper delivery boys who go to the devil for delivering on Sunday, “homosectals”, professional football and baseball, people on dope from their family doctors, public schools, sex ed. and many, many others.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

(Note: the audio quality is poor for the first few seconds of intro. It clears up once the actual message begins)

Many thanks to James for his help in summarizing this amazing collection of topics

It is widely accepted fundamentalist dogma that women with children still living at home should not work outside the home. Exceptions to this rule would be positions as a Christian school teacher, church secretary, or a purveyor of multi-level marketing merchandise.

Whether it’s cutlery, plasticware, or little packages of vitamins, there will inevitably be at least one lady in every fundamentalists church who is hawking it for extra cash. Sign up now and you’ll get a cut from everyone who buys from you too! At least take this catalog home and look it over…

WWPTOWD? (What would the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman Do?)

Fundamentalists are great for coming up with jingos and cute phrases to describe those with whom they disagree.

Perhaps nowhere is this evidenced more than in the realm of Bible Versions. Today’s challenge is to list your favorite ‘pet name’ for other translations of the Bible.

Here are a few to get us started:

Non Inspired Version
Bad New For Modern Man
Not King James Version…

What are yours?

I’m not quite sure what the story is here but the fundies in the audience definitely seem to enjoy it…

I can’t quite put my finger on what intrigues me so much about this week’s pick: AmazingGraceBaptistChurchKJV.com – website of Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, NC. Is it the cutting edge 1995 internet design — including a front page that requires no less than 62 clicks to read entirely and music that starts playing when the page loads? (Note: turn down your speakers). Is it the borderline idolatrous page dedicated to the pastor’s father? Perhaps the overwhelming number of fundamentalist folk heroes represented?

When you visit, be sure to check out page on “letters, thoughts and articles” on topics such as “sex, drugs, homosexuality, alcohol, smoking, immodesty, long hair-guys, short hair-girls, pants, mixed bathing, Judging, cursing, Science, etc.” (Wait a minute…Science?) I, for one, can’t wait to get started reading.

While it’s unclear where the tradition began, it is now an accepted rule that every fundamentalist is required to come up with some passage of Scripture that they can claim as a “life verse.” The earlier this is done, the better. Not having a life verse by the time one enters high school is tantamount to a confession of being a reprobate. Although how exactly a sixteen-year-old is suppose to know which bit of the Bible is going to have the most relevance for the rest of their life is somewhat of a mystery.

Being without a life verse results in a great deal of awkwardness. There are few things worse for the unversed fundy then having a youth leader or pastor ask everyone in a group to share their life verse and what it means to them. The only solution at that point is to mumble Jeremiah 33:3 and stand in shame as the other kids rattle off much more spiritually obscure passages from the minor prophets.

Many questions surround the logistics of life verses. Is it cheating to steal the life verse of a famous pastor? Is one allowed to change their life verse if they grow up and find out the one they picked in kindergarten is actually a promise to national Israel to be carried out during the millennial reign? Can a person use a “life verse” that is only half a verse long? Is it too ostentatious of an aspiring preacher boy to have a “life paragraph” or “life chapter”?

As for me, my life verse is and will remain Matthew 19:12. It’s a great conversation starter at fundamentalist picnics.