If you’ve ever heard an entire point of a sermon based on playing six seconds of a rock and roll records backwards, you have probably been a fundamentalist. Fundies are convinced that demonic messages are being secretly coded into…just about everything.

In the 1980’s various fundamentalists became convinced that subliminal messages were being hidden in rock music songs via “backmasking.” This inevitably led to a rush on pastors and youth leaders buying up record players that could play backwards, for use as sermon illustrations.

Of course, other than a few publicity stunts nobody has actually ever proved that there is backmasking in songs, nor that recording messages backwards into music has any effect on the listeners. Fundamentalists, however, are so convinced of the truth that they don’t allow themselves to be confused by the facts.

They also bear the dubious distinction of being the only people who have ever spent more time listening to rock music in played in reverse than played forward.

There are a few rules for those women who would be the wife of a fundamentalist pastor. They must look good in jean jumpers; they must have an aptitude for teaching children’s Sunday School; and they must play the piano.

One cannot over-emphasize how important that last requirement is. Not only does it give a church the chance to grab a two-for-one deal on church staff, but the church can also press the pastor’s wife into service as the music teacher at the ubiquitous Fundamentalist Christian School. Not to mention the many command performances at weddings, funerals, and church picnics as well. Free ministry labor is priceless.

On the other side of things, a pastor with a piano-playing wife can always be assured that his personal music standards will always be upheld in the services. “Honey, you need to tone down that left hand in Honey in the Rock. It’s getting a little carried away.”

Until fundamentalists break down and start using pre-recorded music or (horrors!) a band, there will always be a need for pianists. Until then, pastors wives will indubitably be asked to stand in the gap — or at least sit in it on a piano bench.

All music has rhythm and most cultural music around the world has a lot of syncopation. You’ll find the sin of syncopation is just about every kind of music including Middle Eastern music, Slavic music, Indian music, Chinese Music, Celtic Music, and Native American Music. However, fundamentalists have determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that rock music has come from evil witchcraft ceremonies in Africa.

How did they come to this conclusion? It’s not quite clear. Surely they didn’t just play on a preexisting racial prejudice and pick the homeland of the group of people who were least liked in society at the time to blame rock music on. One would not even dare to suggest it’s possible. On the other hand, if you ask fundies about what makes music evil it’s unlikely that you’ll be informed about the syncopation of Jewish music and how it makes the dance. Nope, the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Africa and for fundamentalists that’s where it will stay.

Just once I’d like to hear a sermon on those ‘dangerous Celtic beats’ that drive men into the depths of degradation. Ethnomusicology be hanged. Let’s blame the Africans.

A solider doesn’t just pick up any old weapon when going to war, neither does a fundamentalist pick up just any old Bible to fight the good fight. Some important considerations are required.

First of all the Bible must be large. It must be big enough to show that the bearer takes the Scripture seriously enough to risk a hernia when he totes it around. The Bible must be big enough so then when held aloft with one hand, the pages drape over to give thatt classic “This is My King James Bible” look.

The cover must also be leather to allow the holder to get that wonderful “THWACK” sound when he slaps his hand against the cover. This is especially important if preaching. “That’s not what this Bible right here says!!! THWACK! It says that women ought to be silent in the churches, amen? THWACK!”

Lastly, wide margins are a must. This is no sissy Bible. It must have space for notes, outlines, and autographs.

Let lesser Christians come to the battlefield with their pocket sized Bibles with cheap covers and tiny margins. The fundamentalist’s Bible will never be hidden away from view — nor carried without effort.

Ninety-nine percent of homes in America contain at least one television and most fundamentalists own a TV just like everyone else. The television watching experience in a fundy household is unique, however. For father (or sometimes mother) holds the remote in an iron fist and the mute button is his weapon of choice against the combined forces of bad language and worldly music.

Rock music is not to be tolerated in the fundamentalist home and the opening theme to the A-Team is no exception. With a flick of the thumb this temptation of the flesh is banished. Songs that are too peppy meet the same fate. No fundamentalist child ever makes it all the way through any Disney movie since Robin Hood without at least one song being either muted or fast-forwarded.

Likewise, bad language must be dealth with in the harshest of terms, lest children be tempted to say words such as “golly” and “dagnabit.’ Some fundamentalist go so far as to construct a “bleep book” complete with timestamps of the exact moments to mute and unmute the dialog. Purity must be maintained not matter what the cost to the plot.

One may be tempted to ask why fundametalists bother to watch shows at all if they find so much in them worthy of censoring.  But you’ll have to ask it later, we’re almost back from commercial break and the TV is about to regain its voice.

I’m sure there are fundies out there who will pay money for this:

“You could change someone’s life… at a traffic light!”

You step into a fundamentalist church and are immediately accosted by a greeter with a visitor’s card. Nothing says “Welcome!” to a visitor like a card asking your for Name, birth date, address, phone number, e-mail address, children’s names, and blood type. Ok, that’s stretching it a bit. Since when do fundies contact people by e-mail?

“Just drop this in the offering plate!” says the usher happily, leaving you to forage around for one of those little pencils that are stuck in the back of the pew. For a moment you consider leaving a fake address and phone number but isn’t it extra wrong to lie on a church questionnaire? With a sigh, you scratch the answer in.

And what’s this? At the top is a large garish sticker that reads “GUEST” in orange letters. The small print helpfully instructs “peel and affix to clothing.” Excellent! As if you didn’t already stand out like a sore thumb.

After the third hymn the same usher trips down the aisle with the offering plate. He knows you’ve got a visitors card and his lifted eyebrows tell you that burying it in your hymnbook is not an option. So into the offering plate the card goes. You idly wonder how much trouble it would be to sell your house and move three counties away…

Not wanting to be outdone by the Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses, fundamentalists have long been fans of door-to-door outreach programs. Thursday evenings or Saturday mornings will find any number of fundamentalists about town giving a gospel soft-sell pitch.

“Hi, my name is Rufus! We’re here from Lighthouse Completely and Totally Separated Baptist Temple and we were just wondering if you go to church anywhere.”

These are not randomly chosen words. The training for door-to-door outreach is very specific about the words used to draw the net around a potential convert. The spiel is tried and proven; the clothes are picked with care; even the number of times to knock on the door is carefully planned. If it’s good enough for encyclopedia salesmen, it’s good enough for the fundies.

It doesn’t matter whether or not door-to-door is culturally acceptable any more or even if anybody bothers to listen — just get out there every week and knock on those doors. 13 million Mormons can’t be wrong.

For those fundamentalist sermon aficionados out there, here are a few sermon genres that grow better with age, like a fine old wine or a ripe old cheese.

The Stump Speech: Religion and Politics are a great combination. Stir some verses into your political diatribe and shake well. Extra points if you can get a politician from your party to actually do the speaking.

The Guided Missile: There’s a person in the church who needs this sermon — that’s why you wrote it! Make sure to make eye contact with them while you preach it, especially during the yelling parts. Getting other church folks to glare with you will get you bonus points every time.

The Impromptu Concert: You’ve got a great singing voice…use it! Stop cold in the middle of a point and break into glorious song. People are just dying to hear you sing, so serve it up often.

The Linguistics Lesson: Let people know that the hours you spent in that church basement getting your education were not wasted! Make up entire points of your sermon telling the difference in the original language between the kinds of love. Extra points if you can find that in the original manuscripts, “thou shalt not wear pants” is clearly stated!

The Scientific Discourse: Make sure that everyone knows what a great mind you have by quoting scientific facts. If you don’t have good scientific facts to back up what you’re saying then just guess at some. After all, science is all THEORY anyway!

The Obscure Reference: Find thing in a passage that nobody else has ever thought about. Preach a message about the clasps on Jonah’s shoes. Or the beard on Daniel’s billy goat. Go ahead. Don’t just preach about the folks holding the ropes on Paul’s basket, talk about people who wove the rope and the builders who made the wall so that Paul could be lowered over it. The dynamite is in the details.

The Testimony Time: Why should only one person have all the fun of talking? Letting people break into the middle of the sermon to share their experiences on the subject is sure to help people relate. Make sure to have the tissues handy.

The Campfire Story: Spend most of the service involved in telling a really horrifying story. If the story can involve dismemberment, decapitation, or being eaten alive, so much the better. Best if used during a youth rally or chapel service.

The Springboard: Pick a verse, any verse. Read it with feelings. Then talk about anything you want to. Extra points if the verse is from a minor prophet.

The Cheer Leading Session: Make sure people are following along by asking “Amen?” at the end of every sentence. Sprinkle in a few “And all God’s people said?” lines as well. Be sure to chastise the crowd if not enough response is forthcoming.

When the time rolls around for the Lord’s Supper, fundamentalist pull out the little plastic cups and the big bottle of Welch’s grape juice (making extra sure not to use the sparkling grape juice with the foil over the cap since this is most assuredly the appearance of evil)

Now everybody in fundamentalists circles knows that Christians since the Apostles have all celebrated the Lord’s supper with grape juice. How they did this without refrigeration is a bit of mystery. It would seem that although our Lord turned water into wine, His followers spent a lot of their time miraculously turning wine back into water. Those Jews who were used to drinking fermented wine for Passover must have been in for quite a shock.

Moving forward in history, we can clearly see that all those tales about Luther and Calvin drinking beer and wine are just nonsense. It’s doubtless the devil’s lie to get the demon rum into our churches. Believing in a good American prohibitionist like Billy Sunday is better than following the examples of those beer-swilling foreigners any day.

Fundamentalists, lift those little cups high and be thankful that you are free from leaven of wine, if not the leaven of the Pharisees. All hail Welch’s.