If you’ve ever heard an entire point of a sermon based on playing six seconds of a rock and roll records backwards, you have probably been a fundamentalist. Fundies are convinced that demonic messages are being secretly coded into…just about everything. In the 1980′s various fundamentalists became convinced that subliminal messages were being hidden in [...]

There are a few rules for those women who would be the wife of a fundamentalist pastor. They must look good in jean jumpers; they must have an aptitude for teaching children’s Sunday School; and they must play the piano. One cannot over-emphasize how important that last requirement is. Not only does it give a [...]

All music has rhythm and most cultural music around the world has a lot of syncopation. You’ll find the sin of syncopation is just about every kind of music including Middle Eastern music, Slavic music, Indian music, Chinese Music, Celtic Music, and Native American Music. However, fundamentalists have determined beyond a shadow of a doubt [...]

A solider doesn’t just pick up any old weapon when going to war, neither does a fundamentalist pick up just any old Bible to fight the good fight. Some important considerations are required. First of all the Bible must be large. It must be big enough to show that the bearer takes the Scripture seriously [...]

Ninety-nine percent of homes in America contain at least one television and most fundamentalists own a TV just like everyone else. The television watching experience in a fundy household is unique, however. For father (or sometimes mother) holds the remote in an iron fist and the mute button is his weapon of choice against the [...]

I’m sure there are fundies out there who will pay money for this: “You could change someone’s life… at a traffic light!”

You step into a fundamentalist church and are immediately accosted by a greeter with a visitor’s card. Nothing says “Welcome!” to a visitor like a card asking your for Name, birth date, address, phone number, e-mail address, children’s names, and blood type. Ok, that’s stretching it a bit. Since when do fundies contact people by [...]

Not wanting to be outdone by the Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses, fundamentalists have long been fans of door-to-door outreach programs. Thursday evenings or Saturday mornings will find any number of fundamentalists about town giving a gospel soft-sell pitch. “Hi, my name is Rufus! We’re here from Lighthouse Completely and Totally Separated Baptist Temple and we [...]

For those fundamentalist sermon aficionados out there, here are a few sermon genres that grow better with age, like a fine old wine or a ripe old cheese. The Stump Speech: Religion and Politics are a great combination. Stir some verses into your political diatribe and shake well. Extra points if you can get a [...]

When the time rolls around for the Lord’s Supper, fundamentalist pull out the little plastic cups and the big bottle of Welch’s grape juice (making extra sure not to use the sparkling grape juice with the foil over the cap since this is most assuredly the appearance of evil) Now everybody in fundamentalists circles knows [...]