Is your church sluggish and listless? Having trouble packing folks into the pews? Need something to really fire up the congregation? A prophecy conference is just the thing to bring folks in to your church and set them ablaze! The end of the world is here again. Yes, sir, nothing will stir the fires of [...]

When C.H. Spurgeon was in his heyday, an Anglican minister penned these words: There was once a preacher named Spurgie Who hated the English liturgy. But his sermons are fine, I use them as mine, And so do the rest of the clergy Much like the Anglicans, fundamentalists also have no issue with using Spurgeon’s [...]

After a rousing sermon on the evils of drunkenness and vice, nothing is more satisfying than gorging at an old-fashioned fundamentalist covered dish supper. (Covered dish suppers are not to be confused with the liberal “pot luck dinner” since luck has no place the fundamentalist vocabulary.) A drop of alcohol that sneaks across ones lips [...]

Year End Salvation Report for the First Separated Blood, Book, And Blessed Hope Fundamental Baptist Church Number saved in revivals: 20 Number saved in door-to-door: 43 Number saved the day we gave out all those hot dogs and had the clowns: 400 Number saved again just to make sure: 5 Total Saved: 468. Number Baptized: [...]

Almost all fundamentalist services end with a plea to walk the aisle down to an “old-fashioned altar.” This is usually acompanied by standing with “your heads bowed and your eyes closed. Nobody looking around.” while singing approximately 347 verses of an invitation hymn such as Just as I Am or Jesus is Calling. In reality, [...]

If you meet a pastor who’s business card reads Evangelist Rev. Dr. Bro. Phil Armenik Moe.D., D.D., D.Min, D.I.P., Th.D., Ph.D., D.Litt, D.Hum., D.Miss.1 you may well be assured that you are in the presence of a fundamentalist who has been the recipient of a good many honorary degrees from fundamentalists Bible colleges. Gird your [...]

How did a non-church-attending, divorced, former-Democrat, Hollywood-insider politician become one of the most beloved icons of fundamentalists everywhere? It’s a good question. The only possible answer is that Ronald Wilson Reagan stood for something that was so universally good that even fundies were able to look past his flaws. (The cowboy hats may also have [...]

Sometime around September fundamentalists dig out the big plastic trunks of  sheet music and set to work on one of the largest outreach events of the year: The Annual Christmas Cantata. Unlike the Christmas pageants at other churches, wassailing and gay apparel are shunned in lieu of a much grander tradition — if the evening [...]

No man knows the day or hour when Christ will return but that doesn’t stop some fundamentalists from making predictions about the century or the decade. After all, saying Christ will mostly likely come back in “this generation” isn’t strictly date setting now is it? Never before have we seen such wickedness and persecution as [...]

Scene from a fundamentalist church near you during any given prayer meeting… As the notes of the second hymn die away, the pastor asks “Do we have any prayer requests this evening?” Up pops the hand of Sister Pearl in the second row. “Since my sister couldn’t get a cardiopulmonary bypass they had to perform [...]