Short Haircuts

regulationcuts

The topic of hair (referred to by the great Dr. George Irving Barber as “Hairology“) is of great importance to fundamentalists. On men, hair is to remain short at all times without exception. Even if that means cutting it off with a rusty kitchen knife, it is a well known fact that a few errant strands of hair lapping over the ear or the collar will ruin your testimony and convince everyone that you are a dirty hippie.

There are a few exceptions. For example, if a namby-pamby fundamentalist college student is involved in historical theater, he may be required to wear a button proclaiming “I am in a dramatic production. My hair is not this length normally. I have special hair dispensation” (this is a very large button).

It’s not only the length that is important but the placement of the part as well. Hair parted in the middle is a likely sign of latent homosexuality. Hair not parted at all is liberal and slovenly. Only a side part will do to show that the wearer is a serious-minded and trustworthy sort.

In the words of the grand old song:

If your hair is on your ears, there’s sin in your heart.
Get it cut today and make a new start.
There’s no need for living in sin and dread
with a tangled mop upon your head.
If your hair is on your ears, there’s sin in your heart.

26 thoughts on “Short Haircuts”

    1. Spiked hair!! That brings to mind the “last straw” for my wife and I (and our eight children) in leaving the ifb church that we served in for almost 20 years. Our oldest son had some gel in his (quite conservatively short) hair. He was eighteen old at the time. The music director rebuked him for trying to look like a worldly “boy band” member, and wouldn’t allow him to sing in the church until he had it parted on the side.
      I was ready to leave long before this, but my wife had more patience than I. Until this. Happy to report that after leaving, we found a small church that had no similar hyper-critical leanings, and joined, promptly tripling the size of the youth group in the process. Our children have flourished there over the past 6 years, and that little non-judge mental church with it’s friendly people and honest, unassuming pastor and staff, has been a refuge and a place to serve (willingly and sanely… Not through guilt or passive-aggressive coersion) for me and my family ever since.
      ****FALLOUT**** My mother-in-law, who regularly drank the Kool-Ade, remains at the ifb church, and publicly stated that she could just KILL me for leaving that church, and taking my family to a church that has !horrors! Contemporary Christian Music, is slowly coming to realize that we haven’t grown horns and that “The Kids Are Alright”.
      Meanwhile… Last month, the music director who had such a hard time with my son’s spiked hair, has been removed from the church when it became known that he had been sexually molesting young boys in the church for years. BTW, he came to our church after being “moved” from Hyles’ church in Hammond.
      Yeah, “spiked hair”….. Brings back memories.

      1. Such misplaced priorities, ironically in people who called themselves “fundamentalists”. These are not the fundamentals of the Gospel.

        Your MIL disregarded your status as head of your home as well as your individual priesthood as a believer, maligned you publicly, and declared her wish to kill you. And then the pervert music minister, hiding his perversion behind man-made, extra-Biblical issues like spiked hair?!!! What a travesty. What an utter disgrace.

        They quibble over nonessentials, deny the freedom Christ Himself gave us, yet violate the actual Biblical commands we are instructed to follow.

        I’m so glad you found a good church for your family!

  1. Haha! We pulled this whole trick on my friend a couple of years ago. His brother happened upon the 1 Cor 11:14 passage. And we all told him to cut his girly hair (which was in fact, at least close to his waist). But needless to say, I’m SO glad he cut it. It looked…not good…

  2. “If your hair is on your ears, there’s sin in your heart”? You mean it’s that easy to tell what’s in someone’s heart? The Bible says man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. Does God have it backwards?

  3. I remember the little ditty that Hal Webb and Theron Babcock used to sing:

    “First Corinthians eleven is still in the book,
    I know that it is ’cause I just took a look,
    It says that long hair on a man is a shame,
    So why bring disgrace to our dear savior’s name?”

  4. @phil: no, but I see how you could do that, lol. I mentioned on another post that you can sing the words of Amazing Grace to the tune of the Gilligan’s Island theme song.

  5. So…is it ok for the hair to be long on top so long as it is part of a comb-over? Shaving it all off isn’t an option, since someone might mistake you for a “skinhead.” This was an actual issue at BJU when my husband and several other Marine reservists were students. One haircheck prince always stopped then to the point of harassment because of their military regulation haircuts. They actually had to get a letter from their commanding officer stating that it was not a “skinhead” haircut, that it was in fact a US military regulation haircut, and to leave them alone. However, the university, even after harassing reservists, had no problem asking them for colorguards for events.

    1. I remember this. It was the run-up to Desert Storm. The hall monitors just wouldn’t stop. I had friends who told me that Tony Miller got a bit of a talking-to by some military brass, and then he finally backed off.

      They busted you for hair that was a shade longer than some pinhead Bible major liked, and they busted you for short hair, too. The certainly were busting guys for the haircuts depicted at the top of this post.

      Just think. Many those good-for-nothing hall monitors are out “pastoring” churches now (shudder). I happen to know that one of them is doing an outstanding job of destroying my parents’ church, thanks to the principles he learned at BJU and WCBC.

      I wonder if these “pastors” ever read Jeremiah 23:1-4?

      1. I left the military after six years just prior to desert storm and went on to BJU. The hair checks were no big deal. I usually covered my hair with a notebook to make the little ushers stop me. That was fun.

        But again, no big deal. I had bigger fish to fry, like that cute chickie-baby seated next to me in chapel.

        B.R.O.

    2. I shaved my head recently, right down to the bone. my hair was starting to disappear anyway so I decided to embrace my impending baldness. I kept my beard , though. I never thought I’d like being bald. I’ve only had about 3 negative reactions and 2 of those were ambiguous. The only person to react really negatively was a über-fundy, who believes Christians should be clean-shaven at the bottom half of their face, not the top.

  6. I love that song. Sang it to my husband after his dad lectured him on his hair length (we were poor and couldn’t afford to get it cut and didn’t have hair cuttery utensils). He nearly cried from laughter. When my family gets together with old friends, it’s a regular for us to sing (along with “Send Me To Glory in a Glad Bag”).

    Oh, my. Thank you.

  7. Dear lord, that’s a real song. 😮

    I literally facepalmed. I could see it being used in a skit to mock Fundy U hair check, but other than that, I can’t conceive any appropriate time or place…I can’t even.

  8. So glad to know that it’s not sinful to wear that terribly evil, ear-touching hair as long as you’re in a dramatic production. Do I smell a double standard? Surely not!

  9. Wow what nonsense ahahaha – maybe people should get over making assumptions and judgments about people’s hair? From a short haired. Seen plenty that have parted hair or spikes and straight.

  10. I used to havmuch long et hair and a long very full beard. About 12 years ago I decided to change my image when I saw the photo I had for my new passport. It had been a hot summer and I was very deeply tanned (my skin is normally no darker than a typical Irishman but given enough time inthe sun I can go as dark as any Middle Easterner) and with my long hair and beard and the slightly wild expression in my eyes I looked scary, like I belonged to Al Queda.

    1. My hair and beard are kept trimmed short now. Much easier to look after. Besides, when my hair gets long now, it tends to stick up and out sideways, and I look like the Jeff Daniels character in “Dumb and Dumber” (though probably not as smart)

  11. I’m growing Willie Nelson locks and a nice 19th century sailor beard when I retire. Out of policy to do it now, or I would. I’d like to walk into a fundy church sporting such facial hair and a ston-washed jean jacket. hehe

    B.R.1

    1. Nah, you’d need a biker vest – make sure you have your xian men’s motorcycle group patch both front and back. Maybe sport some ink on your exposed biceps. Wear a bandana. Show up on your Harley. The stone-wash doesn’t go with the long hair and sailor beard.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *