Somewhere back in the beginning of fundamentalism (about two-thousand years ago, to hear them tell it) there was evidently a law made that if a fundamentalist church runs a Christians school, and if that school has a sports team it must bear the name Eagles, Crusaders, Knights, Warriors, or Conquerors.

Female teams will bear the name of their male counterparts with the word “Lady” affixed to the front to indicate the femininity of the players.

And these team shall bear one of the following colors: red-and-white, green-and-white, blue-and-white, or red-and-black. So shall it be without end, yea verily. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Fundamentalists may not care for Calvinists but they do tend to turn to them a lot for source material. One great example of a Presbyterian work that fundies adore is the McGuffey readers, published in the 1800’s by William Holmes McGuffey a “roving” teacher and Presbyterian Calvinist.

Look on fundamentalists’ bookshelves and more often than not there will appear the distinctive boxed set of the 1836 edition. It’s important to note the edition because the revised 1879 edition is a decidedly liberal revision of the text and considered to be an unclean thing. If the 1836 edition was good enough for Henry Ford, it’s good enough for every child!

Within these brown-backed tomes lie nuggets of truth in stories such as “The Greedy Girl”; “The Effects of Rashness”; and “Consequences of Bad Spelling.”

Considering the state of public education, maybe fundamentalists have something here. A lesson or two on spelling for modern children would certainly not come amiss.

Fundamentalists may not engrave the Scripture on the mantels of their doorposts but they do like to post it up just about everywhere else.

Nothing says “Howdy, neighbor!” like a big sign posted on the lawn bearing the message “BUT ALL THE WICKED WILL HE DESTROY” Or, if that isn’t forceful enough perhaps one with the words “THE WICKED SHALL BE TURNED INTO HELL” will get the point across.

In case you want to take your message on the go, these signs are also available as bumper stickers. Nothing will make someone think twice like a mini-van bearing the ominous message “PREPARE TO MEET THY GOD.”

Another option for those who just don’t have time to stop and chat is the ever-popular sandwich board Scripture verses which are a great witness while a fundamentalist is out protesting, street preaching, or just walking around the neighborhood.

Let your light so shine!

Have you heard that there was a rare red heifer born in Israel; the kind needed to sacrifice for the rebuilt Temple? We must be nearing the end times!

Did you know that Proctor and Gamble support the church of Satan and put a Satanic symbol on their products? We must be in the end times!

Are you aware that for a gang initiation guys drive back roads with their headlights off and shoot the first person in an oncoming car to flash their lights? Things are waxing worse and worse. It must be the end times!

Urban legends are a staple of fundamentalist lore. This is especially true of those wild tales that end up being repeated as sermon illustrations. Quasi-scientific anecdotes have an especially long life in this genre. Have you ever heard any of these gems?

• There was once a scientist who finds the “universe’s lost time” in the Bible’s accounts of Joshua and Hezekiah and becomes a Christian.
• The position of the earth is so precise that a few miles closer to the sun and we would all burn, a few miles further away and we would all freeze.
• Scientists dropped microphones into a deep hole and heard screams from the center of the earth.
• The hottest kind of fire burns pitch black.

Who could resist such compelling tales when they come from the mouth of a respected pastor or evangelist? And how could he possibly resist using such stories when they so easily illustrate the point of his sermon? So the urban legend continues, passed down from generation to generation.

However, the claim that sugar is only one molecule away from cocaine is almost certainly the truth. Surely a pastor wouldn’t just make that up, would he? One would certainly hope not…

The topic of hair (referred to by the great Dr. George Irving Barber as “Hairology“) is of great importance to fundamentalists. On men, hair is to remain short at all times without exception. Even if that means cutting it off with a rusty kitchen knife, it is a well known fact that a few errant strands of hair lapping over the ear or the collar will ruin your testimony and convince everyone that you are a dirty hippie.

There are a few exceptions. For example, if a namby-pamby fundamentalist college student is involved in historical theater, he may be required to wear a button proclaiming “I am in a dramatic production. My hair is not this length normally. I have special hair dispensation” (this is a very large button).

It’s not only the length that is important but the placement of the part as well. Hair parted in the middle is a likely sign of latent homosexuality. Hair not parted at all is liberal and slovenly. Only a side part will do to show that the wearer is a serious-minded and trustworthy sort.

In the words of the grand old song:

If your hair is on your ears, there’s sin in your heart.
Get it cut today and make a new start.
There’s no need for living in sin and dread
with a tangled mop upon your head.
If your hair is on your ears, there’s sin in your heart.

Before there were multi-media presentations, Veggie Tales DVDs and interactive flash-driven websites, there was…flannelgraph. Flannelgraph boards were simply scenes painted on a piece of flannel to which paper characters could be affixed. They were the height of visual aided storytelling.

These boards were very popular in fundy Sunday School classes because they were cheap and relatively low tech. As long as the children being told the story didn’t have much exposure to television, they worked like a charm.

Among the lessons learned from flannel were these

• Everyone in the Bible was white.
• Nobody in the Bible was overweight or ugly.
• Adam and Eve lived behind big green bushes.
• Jesus and the disciples never changed their clothes.
• Jesus had long hair until someone pointed it out and then by the next week Jesus had evidently been to a Galilean barber shop and gotten a hair cut.

According to unnoficial fundamentalist dogma, the height of perfection in hymn writing was reached somewhere around 1947 and any music written after that point is automatically suspect. Fundies view CCM artists as tools of Satan to tempt young people to turn the fellowship hall into a dance hall. CCM artists view fundamentalists as the musical equivilant of Elmer Fudd.

As the official collection of approved hymns has been canonized, however, there have crept in some strange  selections that can only be described as “absolutely awful.” These would include songs about honey coming out of rocks, boys wandering around, little brown churches in the valley, and holding a fort.

It can only assumed that these hymns were included because they were written by the General Editor’s brother-in-law or perhaps someone to whom he owed great sums of money.

Jesus may have come to bring a sword but most fundamentalists prefer the cold steel of a Colt .45. Throw a rock into any crowd of fundamentalists (if you dare!) and you’ll hit a gun aficionado with surprising frequency.

It’s not quite clear why God and Guns go together in fundy circles. But with things waxing worse and worse and the great whore of Babylon, the beast, and the false prophet predicted to show up any time to do some creative redecorating, it makes good sense to hedge your bets in case things get really hairy before the rapture. Even if nothing happens, you still get to play with things that make loud noises and can wipe out your neighborhood if needed. It’s a win-win.

Blessed are the Peacemakers.

You can keep your liberal CD’s full of CCM music and liberal preaching far away from fundamentalists. Yes, sir, fundy churches are still in the business of churning out cassette tapes in the ubiquitous “tape ministry” that graces the back table of many an Independent Baptist sanctuary.

As the preacher breathed the last “amen” (pronounced “ay-men” or sometimes “hay-men” but never “ah-men”) the tape ministry crew spring into action, preserving the service on cassettes so that all may enjoy the sounds of of the speaker’s breathing and stomach rumbling.

These tapes are often also sent to foreign missionaries as a ministry of encouragement, for nothing warms the cockles of a missionary’s heart like yet another sermon on sin and the many reason why the speaker is against it. This is assured to be more refreshing to a missionary than a raise in support and a month of vacation.

Salt and light on magnetic tape. Isn’t technology amazing?

Grace Livingston Hill lived from 1865-1947 and in that time she managed to write hundreds of “Christian Romance” novels which continue to grace the shelves of fundamentalists households everywhere.

The writing in these books is squeaky clean. The heroines never say a bad word, have a bad thought, or really do anything at all except be perfect nice and suffer indignities at the hands of unkind people. The heroine then inevitably apologizes for making the cruel person go to all the trouble of being unkind.

Also included in the stories is some sort of romance of this variety:

At last he spoke, interrupting her brooding over his roses.

“You are running away from me!” he charged.

“Well, and what if I am?” She looked at him with a loving defiance in her eyes.

“Don’t you know I love you?” he asked, sitting down beside her and talking low and almost fiercely. “Don’t you know I’ve been torn away from you, or you from me, twice before now, and that I cannot stand it any more? Say, don’t you know it? Answer, please,” The demand was kind, but peremptory.

“I was afraid so,” she murmured with drooping eyes, and cheeks from which all color had fled.

“Well, why do you do it? Why did you run away? Don’t you care for me? Tell me that. If you can’t ever love me, you are excusable; but I must know it all now.”

“Yes, I care as much as you,” she faltered, “but——”

“But what?” sharply.

“But you are going to be married this week,” she said in desperation, raising her miserable eyes to his.

He looked at her in astonishment.

“Am I?” said he. “Well, that’s news to me; but it’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time. When does the ceremony come off? I wish it was this morning. Make it this morning, will you? Let’s stop this blessed old train and go back to the Doctor. He’ll fix it so we can’t ever run away from each other again. Elizabeth, look at me!”

But Elizabeth hid her eyes now. They were full of tears.

Countless hearts of fundamentalist girls (and more than a few boys) thrill to lines such as these as they dream of someday meeting their own Prince Charming who they will mistakenly think is marrying someone else until the last ten pages of the story.

Chaste and awkward love makes the fundy world go ’round.